I'm new...

[Aymara]

Hi, I'm here after searching for a support group i my country that I would feel comfortable with, but I was sadly unsuccessful. I was diagnosed with Depression, Avoidant Personality Disorder and have traits of Borderline Disorder as well. There are days when the most mundane tasks seem impossible to deal with, even though I have been under prescribed medication for a whole uninterrupted year now. From the outside, there is no real problem, I have 2 jobs that provide well for myself, have no dependant people to support and can make decisions freely.But , on the inside I feel like a failure, It may seem stupid, but when I see the joy of younger people everything ahead I wonder what happened to the last 20 years of my life? I'm 39 now and I didn't have anything remotely close to a youth. I know I built a profession, but otherwise I really feel empty.

[Hidden]

Hi.

I wanted to say welcome to you. Hope it helps being here ..

It helps me to write things down for sure xx

[vanessi]

Hello I feel very empty too. It has been more than a year already. I feel so empty and alone. Different from you I have nothing in life. A breakup led me to this point and not only for the breakup, I lost trust in who I am. I see people around me doing their life but nothing makes me happy. All my dreams are there for me maybe but they don't make happy anymore. I feel deeply sad and the only thing I want is to feel peace with myself. I feel betrayed, I have lost contact with everybody except my family.

I'm 24 and I feel so anxious and I'm very antisocial.

[Aymara in reply to vanessi]

I felt like I had all the time in the world... but it's not like that. Time does truly fly. I can't tell you what to do, because I've failed. I no longer feel any hopes and can't find myself to find a new horizon to walk towards to. I have what I need, but I might as well be a stray cat, I feel my life has no meaning. You still have time, there must be some kind of free or cheap health care system near your area where you may find some kind of help. I've been attending sessions at the public mental hospital for a year now. Don't let things get too far out of hands. I wished somebody had told me this when I was 24... maybe I would have done something then. Seek free help if you need to, it's always better than no help at all.

[vanessi in reply to Aymara]

Thank you. Sometimes I think when I'm older I'm gonna remember this age like the worst. I don't want that. My life has no meaning and I'm here in this nightmare. I feel I'm gonna be like this forever. I'm gonna search for free help. Hope it works

[Aymara in reply to vanessi]

There must be some health care center, it may not be easy, remember... free public health care systems are never like private one, but persevere. You may still find new dreams to pursue easily in your life and new rewarding relationships too. It'll be different when you're near 40.

[vanessi in reply to Aymara]

I hope so. To be honest I'm not into having a relationship. I just wanna feel ok being alone. That is the only I want

[Aymara in reply to vanessi]

That's a good place where to start... you know, feel ok with who you are... I support that idea, but in the long run, you'll need like minded people around (these may and may not be your family) otherwise the road gets too bumpy to carry al the baggage by yourself. Whether you have a relationship or not, it's up to you, but a close-knit group that shares your vision of life will make the mundane part of it more tolerable.

[pinkday13]

Wow, we sound like the same person. I'm 39 too. I was diagnosed with severe, chronic depression and anxiety when I was 17, but it started when I was 13. I know I suffer with avoidant and borderline personality as well. Lately things have been worse than ever. I began to have physical health problems about 2.5 years ago and things have been a downward spiral ever since. I've been on meds since I was 17. I don't even know why I go in to my psychiatrist anymore, because I have been on practically every combination of drugs imaginable, and currently am at the highest does of three different meds I take. Things have been especially rough since Christmas. I can't stand to be around my family or do anything social whatsoever. If I didn't have to work, I don't think I'd ever leave the house. And lately, I have an incredibly quick temper. I feel like my employees are afraid of me, and I don't blame them. I feel like I'm wasting away physically and mentally, and am scared because as I get older, I am very aware I have no one to take care of me.

[Aymara in reply to pinkday13]

I'm surprised to hear from someone so similar.... I don't know what to say. I've been struggling since adolescence with myself and don't have the support of my family... they tend to think that I'm just exaggerating. Sometimes I wonder if the whole struggling is worth anything at all. But I am very stubborn, just don't want to give up just yet.

[pinkday13]

My family is not supportive either. No one understands it's an illness. It makes me so angry because if I had cancer, people would know I'm sick. My aunt told me the other day I'm just feeling sorry for myself. No one understands. That makes it so much worse.

[Aymara]

I don't talk to my family... they are aggressors to me.... can't see them in any other way. I rely on my friends, but if I lived in Japan, I would be a hikikomori without a doubt... I leave the house because I have to and that makes me resent my work environment. It's been better lately, but I still feel I would rather be at home, behind 7 locks.