A reason to get up

[RubberDuck123]

Hi y'all

Long post ahead

I have a serious lack of self disciplin, and untop of that i have proplems initiating contact with other people. This highly volatile concoction blows any kind of self initiative to take action into oblivion. Unable to do anything that i planned. I needed outer motivation, i needed someone to depend om me taking action, unable to do anything meself.

This spiraling procrastinatin quickly got out of hand, and for a month, the only motivation i had to get out of bed was to buy food, so i would not starve

This is about 10 days ago, and i moved back with my dad, saving me from my lack of will.

Since then i have started to reach out to old contacts, trying to create plans for the week... and boy... to have something to look forward to is great. Picking up old hobbies to spend my time on, finding communities that share intrest.

I am slowly climbing myself out of the pit of lonely procrastination.

In the start i thougt everything was going to be rainbows and glitter all the way, now that i have a reason to get up. But sometimes i look back at those simpler times, i did not have to think of anyone but myself. And thats a pattern thats hard to drop, still i sometime walk past the foods i used to eat, and they reminded me of the safe choice.

Interacting with other people can be scary because you have to trust that they wont hurt you, but sometimes the "what if" can be to noisy and i cant do anything but flee...

There are also days where im just tired all the time, not able to do anything but procrastinate, and they remind me of my lonely days which make me think i havent done anything at all.

I cant feel the inner self disciplin working yet, but im sure with some help and work i can make my own day, and get out of bed because its my choice, because of inner motivation.

I belive it all comes down to that cliche... hard work and determination....

But: how long will i stay on the road? How many ditches do i have to kiss before i can move on? Will there come a time when you can relaxe and dont work that hard?

[Kat63]

I can relate somewhat. I’ve found I need external motivation from other people, or I won’t do a thing.

[crazychkinwa59]

Wow, I guess things will most likely change when you do not have a parent to run back too. Please, this is not to be mean, but then you have no choice but to stand on your own 2 feet, you are busy making things happen. Your mind that used to be busy with axiety clears and you are stronger than ever!! The future will be bright for you! I sent prayers..jewels

[Windy101]

Rubberduck, how smart you are to recognize that moving back in with your dad was a positive step. I'm so glad he was there for you and that this option was available. If he loves you and provides a safe place to get sorted out, then that is a good place to be.

My suggestion is to be patient with yourself. Ten days is not a long time. Reaching out to people is a great idea, but you may also need to give yourself permission to be alone and think, read, journal, meditate, listen to music,or whatever it is you like to do when alone, other than lying around, staring into space and ruminating on your so-called "failures."

My depression is very linked to stress and pressure, yet I also need a sense of accomplishment for my self-esteem. Often accomplishment = stress and pressure. I've had to be careful to whittle out a life in which I turned away from opportunities that I knew would be too much for me, Often I think that those of us with depression who somehow function out in the world deserve a freakin' medal.

You've been through hell, but it sounds like you've found a safe and soft place to land. Please don't put too much pressure on yourself. Sometimes setting small goals - lunch with a friend - can be a big gold star for the day. I wish you all the best in your recovery and many sunnier days ahead. Please keep writing here - you are far from alone, and I've also found this to be a kind and helpful group.

[mjlitl13]

I can also relate, especially since I'm retired. No need to get up for work makes me less likely to WANT to get up in the morning. I'm lucky in a way that I have a boyfriend who gets me up, but he too suffers from depression and a LOT of times, we get up, have breakfast and go back to sleep!!

So, I too need outside motivation to get out or even to get things done around the house. If someone needs me to help them, in a way that I can help, I can DO that. But, if it's something for myself, I tend to procrastinate. So, I hear you. Glad your dad helps to keep you motivated and hope you can bring that feeling back home with you when you're ready.

Depression and anxiety is a terrible thing to live through but it's nice to know you're not the only one.

Someone is also here to listen/read without judgement.

Let us know how it goes down the road, good or bad.

Hugs,

MJ

[Hollick in reply to mjlitl13]

its, true, it comforting to know we're not alone in this...it may feel like it, but we're not..

[colemanpm]

Glad you're here... thanks for the honesty. I too have struggled w/fatigue and not getting up on days when I didn't "have to"... and I still struggle on days I have to! Keep setting small goals, day by day, and don' t beat yourself up if you don't make all of them. None of us do. When you are ready, try for a bigger goal or challenge, something that connects to an interest/hobby/passion of yours (or an i/h/p you used to have before depression, etc.).

Keep us posted on how you are doing! Best wishes...