I Feel Lonely: What To Do When You’re Feeling Alone
PsychAlive
DEFENSES, ISOLATION AND LONELINESS, RELATIONSHIPS, SELF DEVELOPMENT
By PsychAlive
“Why do I feel alone?”
Human beings are instinctively social animals. It is natural for us to feel alone or lonely when we are isolated from others. As a tribal species, our brains adapted to rely on social connections as a means to survive. In fact, according to neuroscientist John Cacioppo, who has made a career out of studying loneliness, “The absence of social connection triggers the same, primal alarm bells as hunger, thirst and physical pain.”
Put simply, “Humans don’t do well if they’re alone.”
However, modern life, with all of its conveniences, has led to a sharp increase in isolation. As a result, loneliness is on the rise. According to Cacioppo, “The percentage of Americans who responded that they regularly or frequently felt lonely was between 11% and 20% in the 1970s and 1980s… The American Association of Retired Persons(AARP) did a nationally representative study in 2010 and found it was closer to 40% to 45%.”
When we find ourselves becoming isolated, we should take that as a warning sign that we may turning against ourselves in some basic way. The path of isolation leads to loneliness, despair, and even depression.
“I feel lonely? What’s wrong with me?”
When we feel lonely, we often tend to beat ourselves up and think that something is just wrong with us. The more alone we feel, the more we start to have thoughts of not belonging or of feeling rejected by others. Left alone with our thoughts, we become our own worst enemy. An isolated space is the perfect breeding ground for negative, self-critical thoughts. These thought patterns make up the “critical inner voice (CIV),” an internalized enemy that leads to self-destructive thought processes and behaviors. This inner critic feeds into our feelings of isolation, encouraging us to avoid others and remain in a lonely state.
Although our critical inner voices may tell us otherwise, in reality, there is nothing inherently wrong with us that leads us to be lonely. It is a common misconception that people are lonely because they have poor social skills. In fact, new research shows that lonely people have perfectly adequate social skills and even out perform non-lonely individuals when it comes to reading social cues. However, when “social pressure” is introduced to social skills tests, lonely people often begin to choke. They start to feel very anxious or fear failure. In essence, their self-limiting beliefs or critical inner voices interfere with their natural social abilities.
Loneliness is not quantified by the amount of time we spend alone, but rather by how we feel about the time we spend alone. Cacioppo defines loneliness, as “perceived social isolation, or the discrepancy between what you want from your social relationships and your perception of those relationships.” Feeling lonely can trigger thoughts that we are unloved or unlikeable. Your critical inner voice will come up with a nasty list of reasons that you are lonely, viciously attacking you and the people around you. For example, you may attack yourself for being “awkward” or “creepy” and then act quiet in a group of people. Subsequently, you may then attack yourself for not talking enough. These thoughts reflect a hostile and unfriendly point of view toward yourself. Treat these thoughts like they were coming from an external enemy, and do not tolerate them.
“What causes loneliness?”
There are several factors that lead individuals to feel lonely. The main causes of loneliness being:
Heredity – According to John Cacioppo, “Loneliness is about 50% heritable, but this does not mean loneliness is determined by genes. What appears to be heritable is the intensity of pain felt when one feels socially isolated.” Depending on their genes, some people are more likely to feel more pain or perceive themselves as more alone when they are out of touch from others.
Environment – Loneliness is often triggered by one’s environment. If one lives in an isolated area or has recently moved to a new location, they are more susceptible to loneliness. Furthermore, moving to a new country or studying abroad, where language or cultural barriers can complicate social interactions can also lead people to feel more alone.
Circumstances – Painful life circumstances, such as divorce or loss, can increase feelings of loneliness.
Thoughts & Attitudes – The way we think and feel about ourselves and the world around us can also trigger loneliness.
There are other psychological and developmental factors that can lead to feeling alone. Severely lonely individuals often report:
History of abuse
Hostile/intrusive or withdrawn/misattuned parents
Disorganized or anxious ambivalent attachment style and problems with communication
Internalization of parent/ attachment figures
Feelings of hostility or helplessness
I feel lonely
“Is loneliness serious?”
Although, temporary times of loneliness are common and can pass quickly, loneliness can be a chronic condition with serious, harmful effects on both one’s physical and mental health. The effects of long-term loneliness on psychical health include, diminished sleep quality, weakened health, and even increased mortality. While the effects on one’s mental health include depression, timidity, misremembering, and focus on exclusion rather than inclusion (which perpetuates the critical inner voice).
Studies are now showing that a lonely brain is structurally and biochemically different. The neural response to positive events and images get suppressed, so the world is perceived through a negative filter. When we are lonely, we are more likely to see things as hopeless. We may feel that the world around us is threatening or beyond our control. This makes it difficult to summon up the energy and courage to find happiness and change.
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