Lost with no hope

[Redheaded-girl]

I don’t really want to retype my whole story, but it is on my profile thing. I have started going to a new therapist and she diagnosed me as severely depressed and I don’t like anything anymore. Simple tasks, such as taking a shower or even making food, seem to be impossible. I don’t ever feel like I want to be around anymore. The feelings of hopelessness and possibly never being happy again, are too much to bare. My boyfriend is closing on a house tomorrow. He was so excited for me to live with him in the beginning and then when I found out my ex proposed to the girl he basically left me for, I went into a deep depression. I try to act like myself around him, even when I’m not myself inside. He thinks we should wait a little to move in together, and said he would like to get settled with the house and then we can talk about it again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I know it isn’t a big deal if we don’t live together right away and I know he isn’t saying never, but it makes me question what I am doing wrong. I took care of my ex and did everything for him, for over 8 years. I tried to be my absolute best and he still broke up with me. My therapist says I am dealing with irrational guilt, where nothing that happened was my fault, but yet I blame myself. It makes me feel like I’m forever going to be the girl who loves too much and wants everyone to be okay, but yet I’m dying inside and nobody is trying to save me. I need help.

[Kat63]

I hate that it can take so long to process trauma in our minds. I hate being mentally messed-up, and I just want to be healthy again. Like, NOW.

[Redheaded-girl in reply to Kat63]

My ex broke up with me over two years ago but it still feels like yesterday and I think it’s because I’m still trying to heal and I never actually took the proper steps to help myself. I would always shut down and pretend those emotions and depression wasn’t there because I wanted to be normal but in reality I didn’t deal with anything and it really shows now. It hurts so badly to know that my boyfriend was once excited about living with me and he couldn’t wait to live with me and now he thinks that we should wait a little and I just feel like I am messing everything up in my life and I can’t gain control of it. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to make the decision not to be around anymore because nobody knows what it’s like to deal with the stuff that’s in my head on a daily basis

[Kat63 in reply to Redheaded-girl]

Are you in therapy? Or on meds? Those things can help you heal from the past.

[Redheaded-girl in reply to Kat63]

I have been on medicine for over two years now and just recently got it switched because of everything going on and I also just started seeing a therapist who I’m going to be seeing weekly but unfortunately my schedule and her schedule didn’t work this week so I wasn’t able to see her this week. My ex was my high school sweetheart and he was my very first boyfriend and my very first everything and so I’ve never had to deal with heartbreak before and it’s really hard when you come from a small town and you were pretty much told that you were going to marry this boy since you were like 16. Your heart and your brain and everything else doesn’t heal that fast unfortunately