This sucks

[Lulu02]

You might want to read my post ‘help me’ for more context

So I completely cut my ex boyfriend out of my life, after I had talked to my psychologist for a bit, I blocked almost all contacts to him. At first it was the best feeling, I felt free and alive. Then I went to work straight after and found out that he was there 5 minutes ago and had asked a girl to be his girlfriend. Previously we had both worked there until he quit 3 months ago so it wasn’t strange that he would have there except for the fact that this time he is asking out some random girl. I was hurt by this but I tried to hide it thinking it was for the best whilst my friend at work was showing me pictures saying ‘tbh she really doesn’t even look that great’ and ‘you deserve better’.

I didn’t block his Facebook at the time because he didn’t do anything with it so I figured that there was no point. Although this next month included me checking up on his Facebook plus he’s new girlfriend’s social media’s almost everyday trying to keep as in touch with his life as possible.

He also drove a motorcycle and wore a very distinctive helmet, which meant whenever in the car I was constantly looking out for him hoping to get some glimpse of him.

This is where it gets tricky for me though to understand. Since he previously use to work where I worked he’d come over to visit a lot. And where I worked was a restaurant/pick up food place so he could just walk in like any customer. But it also so happened that he would visit almost every time I was working. Regardless of that though, very time I saw him I’d go into a straight panic attack which would ruin the rest of the night for me and really took a toll on my work. I couldn’t understand (and still don’t), for someone who ruined me,

1. Why am I trying so hard to get him out of my life when all I do till this day is crave his existence?

2. Why do I have panic attacks every time I see him even though I love him?

3. Why do I still love him? I was the one that broke up with him in the first place.

Eventually after talking to my psychologist I block his Facebook and all social media’s I had of his girlfriend. I guess I’m living a happier life? I don’t know, but I miss him like HELL. I ended quitting that job (because of him but also other reasons) and did not see him for a while until this weekend when I was ordering food from the place. Luckily this time I held my ground and didn’t panic. I don’t know if he is still with that girl and it takes so much strength to not unblock him on everything so I can talk to him again. It all sucks because I broke up with him so long ago (beginning of November) when we had only been dating 2 months and I still think about him everyday.

Sorry this is sooo long, I had to get most of it out. (Yes this is literally only a fifth of the story.)

[brokenlight]

I’m sorry for your pain & suffering.