At war with everything I say and do

[dingbatfivehundred]

sometimes it seems like my partner is 'at war' with everything I say or do- so much so that i am afraid to be near him for fear I will trigger some reaction in him. That said, I then find myself caught in a web with him- is this his anxiety at work?? He may not admit it but he finds it difficult when his sons come over as there are issues with parental arrangements etc, so when they are here, he seems highly strung, on edge, like he is on the front foot ready for any attack- and I use these warlike analogy's because that is what he is like- he does have a minor military background.

So, I just hide in the room, studying and joining these online chats for support- never done this but thanks for listening.

[maggief9812]

Hi dingbat, this is copied and pasted from a different reply of mine because I think it might apply here.

My darling dearest has GAD & social anxiety. He frequently snaps at me over things I had no idea I was doing “wrong”. For the longest time I had a running tally of rules and behaviors he didn’t like saved in my brain. So many times his reactions were so unexpected for me I just stopped trying to understand his mind and tried to memorize what not to do.

Until I realized that his nitpicking and desire to control/“correct” my behavior was his anxiety running all the way away with his mind. Since that day, I’ve made a conscious effort to think about what he’s going through internally when he gets snappish with me. When he’s trying to give me a list of acceptable conversation material before an outing it’s not because he wants to change who I am or control me- it’s his near crippling social anxiety rearing it’s head and making him feel insecure. Preparing conversations ahead of time soothes that panic for him. I listen supportively and try not to let it get to me. Sometimes when I think he needs to hear it, I say “it sounds like that’s your anxiety talking. Are you okay?” Most of the time this approach leads to some really good conversations between us.

This change in my thinking and reaction to his struggles have made mine easier to bear, and I think our communication is more open because of it. I hope even a little of this post helps you.

[fauxartist]

have you asked him why he is like this....always wearing a suit of armor ready for battle. and what battle is he fighting?... your not the enemy.... and nor should you live your life always on guard that your partner may blow.....that's no way to live.