Not rational

I know I'm dying I recently seperated from my wife with whom I have three kids, certain I'm going to have a heart attack or kill myself one day but realise I havent got any insurance. Tried to get insurance but cant apply until June this year as was in psych hospital june last year. Then the insurance documents say there's a one year suicide clause, even then they may not pay out as my docs and CMHT know that I am actively suicidal...I feel so trapped. I am in a constant fight or flight syndrome with thesse thoughts, sometimes when watching tv it feels like my heart is just going to stop and I'm terrified...

[Redheaded-girl]

I am so so sorry that you were going through this and you feel the way that you do. It is always hard for me to tell my story because it just brings up everything and I usually have another panic attack which I’ve been having every day for like a week or two now. So, you can go on to my page and see how much I relate to you. The only differences I was not married even though it felt like a common law marriage and I do not have any children. I know what it feels like to not want to be around though. I am 26 and it is scary to say that I am not scared to take a handful of pills or something and not be around. That terrifies me, because I use to have fears of not being around one day or my parents or people I love and my mental health is so bad, those fears kind of went away. There are days, that I too think if I don’t do it, certainly the amount of stress I am putting on myself, will. It is obvious that I don’t know who you are but it is also obvious to me that you are stronger than what you realize. If you weren’t strong, you wouldn’t have came on this site, asking for help and asking for someone to basically save you and help you, save yourself. The one thing I want you to put out of your mind is that you are selfish or you don’t care about your kids or whatever because a lot of times when you say that you do have suicidal thoughts that’s the first thing people say is that you’re selfish.

You’re obviously hurting and going through things and it isn’t really you that has these feelings, but yet that horrible demon inside of you that wants you to think it is you. I am sure that your kids would be absolutely lost without you and without your presence in their lives. I know you stated that you don’t have insurance right now, is there any type of program maybe you have looked up? I’m obviously not sure about a lot of things but I would imagine they would have to have some type of program or something out there to help you get into counseling or help you get into see a doctor and maybe consider taking medicine.

I have been on medicine for over two years and recently just got mine switched because I had a really rough patch. I also just switch Therapist and I’m going to see a new one next Friday and hopefully get into seeing her weekly. Nobody likes to openly talk about taking medicine or doing this or doing that, but I promise you, it is a lot more common than people make you to believe.

[Hidden in reply to Redheaded-girl]

Thanks. I do take medicine, Effexor 225mg and Mirtazapine 40mg at night. I have massive claustrophobia (work from home too) not the best, I constantly picture my own death and have already killed myself with these destructive thoughts. I'm feeling the pain of my kids losing their dad and I'm just terrified that my anxiety and depression will end me and they'll think i don't love them when i do. I just fear not waking up I guess and that I'm not acting rationally. I feel like I want to run away, constantly restless (agitated depression with psychotic episodes). I know I am very unwell (have even told my brother and parents without thinking what im saying that I am going to kill myself. I think it takes amazing courage to finally do it but I'm scared of going to hell and never seeing my kids grow up.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I feel I should be doing more. I hate myself and hate having these thoughts. Massive nervous breakdown....

[Redheaded-girl in reply to Hidden]

I actually just switched from taking Effexor. I was on two different does is 150 mg as well as 75 mg and I took them both together every morning. I know how you are feeling, I’ve been having horrible panic attacks every single morning and part of me thinks it’s because I’m so tired of waking up every morning and feeling this way that I too have thoughts of why don’t I just do it. The first thing I want you to do is take some really deep breaths..I know that is much easier said than done but regulating your breathing is going to help calm your mind as well as get that feeling out of your chest. I truly do believe in God and I pray every single day. I also have been told that if I were to make a decision to hurt myself that I would go to hell because it’s a sin, I honestly don’t believe that. I’m not telling you that it would be better with you gone I’m just trying to tell you that I know how you feel and I know that guilt, that comes along with it. How old are your kids? Do you have any favorite activities that you like to do with them?

[Hidden in reply to Redheaded-girl]

My kids are 7, 6 & 4. I went to the cinema with them last weekend and my ex. My ex knows I am suicidal. I couldn't even concentrate on the film and my daughter gave me a huge hug. I just sit and cry sometimes knowing that I won't see them grow up. I'm scared. I miss the routine of living with them and helping them get dressed and doing the school runs. I just feel like I'm existing now. I don't even see them without my wife and the babysitter looks after them because I can't (threatened to kill them when in psychosis last june).

[Redheaded-girl in reply to Hidden]

Once again I feel your pain on such a deep level because I also feel like I’m just waking up in the morning and going through the flow of life but I’m not actually living. I also know what it’s like to be afraid to open up to people and tell them how you are truthfully feeling because a lot of people don’t understand or a lot of people almost push you away because they don’t know how to deal with it. I know you are scared because trust me I’m scared every day but I honestly do not believe your kids would be better off without you. Your daughter gave you that big hug because she loves her daddy and you make her feel comfortable and you make her feel safe. You are always going to be somebody that they look up the to and somebody that they admire because I’m sure even though you’re going through this you are still very much there for them which just goes to show how much strength you truly do have

[Hidden in reply to Redheaded-girl]

Thanks. Just wish I feel like a Daddy and hate the thought of leaving them behind. I'm emotionally shot to shit and trapped in this living hell. Too tired of living, too afraid of dying. It's certainly not rational to be thinking of life insurance so they have money to get through life...

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Sounds like me quora.com/In-the-end-what-w...

[Redheaded-girl in reply to Hidden]

I really am sorry that you feel like this. I honestly do you know how it feels to be trapped and you’re hating life but you don’t know what to do about it. I honestly think that you should look into getting counseling or into therapy or maybe even Google if there are any support groups near you like ones that you can actually go to and see the person face-to-face. I sometimes think seeing other people and actually having the raw emotions that we all go through, I think it helps put stuff into perspective. I wish I could take your pain away because I wish I could take my pain away and I deal with the problems of wanting to take everybody’s pain away and that’s why sometimes I’m so unhappy. I always care about other peoples emotions and feelings more than I do my own. And it’s hurtful when you have so many people trying to help you but when they don’t live in your head they don’t really know what it feels like. Just know that even though it is extremely painful right now, your kids would be devastated without you. This world would be devastated without you.

[Celtic27]

Hi hambo your life has been difficult lately but you have three children how do you think they will feel that there father decided to leave them behind Iam sorry but you can't be selfish by doing this! Have you seen your doctor regarding how you feel you sound as someone with severe depression which you definately need to see the doctor about! I'm not being harsh just for the sake of it but for the people you would leave behind! Take care and seek help 🙏

[hypercat54]

Hi it must be very hard for you to be separated from the family home like this but you do have children which many don't so in some ways you are very lucky. It's true that if you take your life your pain would end for you but it would be a lifelong painful legacy for the children whom you leave behind. They would always blame themselves and think they weren't good enough. Do you want to do that to them?

Every morning when you wake up promise that you won't kill yourself today. This leaves you freer to live the day and see the positives. x