Need help coping with miscarriage

[Goldendoodle08]

I had a miscarriage with our first child four and half months ago on October 24. I have only ever wanted to be a mother, and to have that hope suddenly ripped away from me was devastating. We still have not had luck getting pregnant again, and each month of negative tests becomes more and more frustrating.

What's even more frustrating is going to work and seeing two women both pregnant and due in the month before and the month after I was supposed to be. I was supposed to be due in May. One of these women was a good friend of mine, but, long story short, she made my miscarriage about her. The silver lining in all of this is seeing how toxic she truly was, and no longer letting her stress me out. Anyway, I am really struggling with how to move past these emotions. I have been withdrawn, even from my own family, and I have really only been truly happy about twice since October.

I hate seeing pregnant women even though none of this is their fault, but I can't help but feel anger knowing that could have and should have been me, too. I don't want to hear the usual lines of "God has a plan" or "at least you can get pregnant." Those are all phrases that people who have no idea what I'm feeling and going through say. They're not helpful, and yes, I know most people have good intentions when they say them. The fact of the matter is, my baby was taken from me, and I would have loved and cared for him or her. If you're religious/Christian, I'm failing to see how it was "part of His plan" for me to lose my baby, but the child abuser down the street got to keep theirs. Where the hell is the fairness in that? If you have not had a miscarriage, please don't pretend to know what I'm feeling. This is especially true if you've had successful pregnancies and did not have a problem getting pregnant.

I am told I apologize too much, but I am sorry for sounding so angry. I am angry, and I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone I know about how I truly feel. What do I do? I can't talk to my husband because he is the king of "just get over it." I can't "just get over it", and I feel and love so so hard. This baby only ever knew love in their short 10 weeks. What are some things that helped you get through the time between miscarriage and getting pregnant again? I really appreciate you taking the time to listen and to offer advice if you have been where I have.

[Runningfargal]

Hi,

I don’t know how helpful I can be but I do want to send you support and love. I have 4 angel babies, all lost before 12 weeks. Every single one was heart wrenching to me, even with three successful births in between. As moms to be we start planning and dreaming the minute we find out we are pregnant. My husband too was very much a “get over it” type of guy. He mourned but after maybe a week he moved on and I was still in despair. One thing I wish I had done was talk to someone who understood and withheld judgement, maybe a therapist. My friends were also pregnant at the time and had babies while I lost mine. I was so jealous and sad, I was happy for them on the outside but crying so hard inside.

I can say what you are feeling is normal, that you have a right to be sad and your feelings are justified. You are not alone. ❤️. I won’t say right now that it will get better because it isn’t probably what you want to hear, but I will say to not give up hope on having another baby, get testing if it seems like it is taking too long and cry when you want to cry and be okay with that, let the grief come. If your husband is communicative, talk to him, tell him how you feel and why. Men don’t always get it and I wished I had spoken to mine more so he could have at least had the opportunity to support me even if he didn’t fully understand.

I’m not good with words, I don’t feel like I always have the right ones, but I know what you are going through and my heart aches for you. Sending a caring hug.

[Goldendoodle08 in reply to Runningfargal]

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm so sorry for your losses. Your words are just fine, and have helped me realize I'm not alone in feeling this way even months later. I tried seeing a therapist, but it was not a good fit. She was younger than I was, and it was clear she was using very "cookie cutter" responses. She was not judgemental, but I had a tough time talking to her. Anyway, I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience. Thank you.

[terriltwin2]

You have every right to feel the way you do. Losing a baby or a child at any point is the most painful thing people can go through. I lost one at 10 weeks. I went to the Doctor to have an ultrasound and they could not find the heart beat. I know the devastation that you feel. However, don't shut down to much. The best thing I could do is find a support group through the hospital on miscarriages and us women shared our feelings, stories and we cried together. That got me through. Just don't be hard on yourself about anything, and take time to mourn and grieve. This pain can last for a long time and just know its normal from one minute to the next to have your emotions all over the place. You will have one minute when things are ok and the next you may be screaming or crying. I would like to tell you things will get better fast, every one is different in their process of grief. But ,it is all a process. Just take time to grieve your child and know that it is ok not to be ok. Thinking of you.

[Goldendoodle08 in reply to terriltwin2]

I'm so sorry for your loss as well. I have tried looking to see if there are any groups in my area, but have been unsuccessful. I need to just call the hospital in hopes there is one. I was not keen on going to a support group when it first happened, but as time has moved on, I like the idea more and more. I'm glad that it was helpful for you. I wish others could understand that this is so so hard to go through, and that it will take a long time for me to feel somewhat back to normal. I'm a much different person than I was 4.5 months ago. I see women that have been through this multiple times, and i think to myself "how?" I don't know that my heart could handle it again. I guess it's one of those things where a person just goes through it the best they can because they have no other choice. Thank you for your support.

[terriltwin2 in reply to Goldendoodle08]

I am here to support you. Thank you for your support. It means so much. So many people were like " its time to get over this" or " move on" as they go on with their lives. I felt stuck. I know how you feel and I am here for you. I am going to leave you a phone number in hopes you will call. It will help its free of charge and there is a counselor on the other end of the phone, better yet, they maybe can get you some resources in your area that have a support group. It's comforting to know there are ladies that have gone through what we have and know how we feel. Prayers always. 1-855-382-5433.

[Jeff1943]

To lose a child you love, born or unborn, is an overwhelming tragedy. There is no love stronger than a mother's love for her child. But up to a point I can imagine a little of how you feel. I imagine how I would feel if one of my little great-grandsons was lost. I can't even bring myself to say the word. Then magnify that by 100 and maybe that gets close to how you feel.

I am so sorry you lost your little one. The only solace I can bring is to say that with time the pain will lessen. But it will never fade altogether. And I believe your unborn child could feel the love you felt whilst you were carrying him or her so it wasn't all in vain. And although you may be unconvinced I believe that a day will come when you will be reunited and will be able to converse in a meaningful way.

I am afraid that the truth does lie in the cliches you do not want to hear. You are young, you will have other children. Do not envy or feel bitterness to mothers who have carried their children to full term. Don't blame God, he gave the world free will for good or bad, He never claimed to be a social worker.

Reject anger and bitterness, they are no friends of yours. Mourn your loss, shed tears daily until you have no more to give, grieve all you want. You will instinctively know when it is time to move on though it may be a long time coming.

I am so sorry for your great loss. You won't always feel this way, you won't always feel it so keenly. I hope you find happiness in the years to come. You deserve to.

[Goldendoodle08 in reply to Jeff1943]

I appreciate your reply. I've really struggled with my faith through all of this, and just haven't been comfortable talking to anyone I know about it. I need to start praying again, but I just have a really tough time doing it sincerely. Christmas was awful, but I am hoping that Easter really brings me back around. I'm hoping that I can push through the hate and leave it behind. My mom's cousin died on Easter four years ago in his 40s (cause still unknown), and I think about his wife and three children often. Easter has always been a comforting day for me, and I hope that things finally start to hurt less. Again, thank you for your reply.

[JAYnLA]

You just sound very, very human to me.

[dore13]

Is your depression / Anxiety because of the miscarriage, or have you always had it? I am sorry you had a miscarriage, I had one too, but the way thinks happened in my life I was able to move on. I have treatment resistant depression, and other stuff, and when I was younger I wanted a kids too, but now I realize it might have been for the best. What I have I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, yet if I had children the odds wouldn't be in their favor. It would be likely if I had children, they would inherit my disorders..... And that is something that I couldn't do. Perhaps you should see a therapist so you have someone to talk too, and someone to teach you techniques to cope with your feelings. It worries me what you said about your husband. Even if he is the king of "get over it" , shouldn't a couple be able to support each other? How does he feel about having kids? Does he realize you need him? It just doesn't seem like a stable situation, and having a child doesn't take stress from a relationship, it adds to it. You need to make sure you are both on the same page.

[Goldendoodle08 in reply to dore13]

I'm sorry for your miscarriage. Thank you for sharing your story. I have had anxiety most of my young adult to my adult life. The depression was triggered by my car accident 6.5 years ago. To make a long story short, I almost died and was in ICU for ten days and the regular hospital for four. I was fortunate to find a counselor that I really clicked with, and I was getting better. Unfortunately, she retired almost four years ago. Oddly enough, my husband has helped me a lot with my anxiety, and working through things. I'm taking the generic form of Wellbutrin, and that is all at the moment. Someone above said that a pregnancy loss support group was helpful. I haven't found anything in my area yet, but I'm still looking.

I would not have married my husband if he didn't want kids, and we have talked about that we're ready. I'm not going to go into additional details about how we manage things between us, but I can say that we're both ready. I even told him last night that it'd be different if I were 25, but I turn 29 in two months. We both have jobs, health insurance etc. People have kids on a lot less. I've had other women tell me that their husbands were very little help after a certain amount of time had passed. In his defense, I bonded with the baby for ten weeks already at that point, and he hadn't. I'm just hoping for our rainbow baby soon.

[dore13 in reply to Goldendoodle08]

That must have been a terrible accident! Did you have brain trauma, because I was reading about depression due to brain trauma after an accident. I don't know if it is treated different. If you are able to have children, it will happen, but if you can't, would you and your husband look towards adoption? It is a viable option, but I think you will be able to have children. I think it will just take time. My cousin had one child, and then couldn't get pregnant, she went to a specialist and ending up have triplet boys!

[Hidden]

I had years of infertility and miscarriage before I had my one and only. I don't think you ever get over it. I thought of mine with each stage of my daughter's life so far. I told her about them when she was old enough. It's scary when you do get pregnant again because you know it could happen again. I didn't accept that I would hold mine until I was eight months pregnant. I was leaving the house alone to go to my baby shower and I lost it because it was the first time I let myself feel connected to her because I didn't want to hurt too bad if it happened again. Honestly nothing makes it hurt less. I'm sorry you are hurting. Big hugs to you.

[AuntBee]

Golden,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at 20 weeks gestation. I went in for an ultrasound and they couldn’t find the heartbeat but the dr wouldn’t confirm anything was wrong. He just said the equipment may be wrong. I had to go to the hospital the next day to repeat the ultrasound where it was confirmed the baby had died. The whole experience was awful. I went through grief just as it had been a full term baby. To me it was a loss just the same. It was the loss of a son, a loss of the dreams we had, a loss of a family member. Grief comes in waves. When it first happened it was a title wave. Eventually the waves came less often. Grief shows up as extreme sadness, tears and anger so I’m not talking about just waves of tears. It sounds like you are experiencing waves of anger so it’s really completely normal. Even after a year I’d be fine doing the dishes then all of a sudden the small wave would come and I’d be crying doing the dishes. It has been 28 years now. At Christmas we have a special teddy bear ornament with his name on it and “forever in our hearts”. It goes front and center on the tree each year. Do I tear up hanging that ornament every year? Sometimes. But that’s ok with me. Grief doesn’t have a time limit but it does get easier over time. I would suggest to you to get grief counseling. Just a few sessions may be all you need. It would be nice for you and your husband go together so he can understand and learn how to help you. The lack of support he is showing now can stick with you and you want to avoid future resentments.

[Ijustwanttofeelloved]

You have a right to feel anger. I think the important side of anger is the fact that its YOU trying to protect yourself. Just make sure that you don't turn that anger inward. What you are feeling is "normal" within the sphere of this kind of trauma. I lost my first too. The hardest part for me was telling my family I had lost it and then telling my college professors that I was struggling and why.

Give yourself time to heal literally and emotionally.