I have wanted to put this into words, but I have been unsure how so I apologize if this is crazy and long-winded. At the beginning of September, my husband and I discovered that I was pregnant with our first child. Naturally, I was ecstatic, but husband had some reservations mainly pertaining to money. He came around and started to talk about baby more and more as the weeks went on. I went to my first appointment earlier in October where I gave my health history to the nurse practitioner, but I wasn't scheduled for my first u/s for another month when I would be 12 weeks along.
We hit week 10, and I was getting more and more excited as we would be seeing our baby in just a couple of short weeks! I woke up at about 4 AM last Tuesday morning with some cramping, which had been normal for me, but I couldn't get back to sleep. Finally, I got up at around 5 to use the bathroom. I discovered blood, and I immediately started crying and yelling for my husband. I put in for a sub at school (since I'm a teacher), and we rushed to the emergency room. At the end of my ER visit, the doctor came and told us that I should be ten weeks along, but the baby was only measuring at six weeks. On top of this, they could not find a heartbeat. My husband and I were devastated. We went home and started the grieving process for the loss of our first child.
The next day, I started to have some MAJOR bleeding and went back to the ER. That day I had a D&C, and stayed home for the third day in a row. I felt so much better physically, but mentally and emotionally, I was drained. I have never hurt so much in my entire life. I forced myself to go to school on Friday since I knew my students (who are 8th graders) would be asking all sorts of questions that middle schoolers ask. They were also having a tough time with me being gone for so long unexpectedly. Anyway, while each day has gotten a little easier, I know that I will be up and down for a long time. To top everything off, one of my good friends at school is pregnant and was only a month ahead of me. She is well into her second trimester now. I am selfishly angry that she got to keep her baby, and I didn't. I haven't talked to her since I texted her what was happening last Tuesday. She knows that I will be angry and upset for a while, and I know it's not her fault, but seriously? I now get to watch her be pregnant for most of the school year.
I know that I am not the only woman to have experienced this, but this is literally the most heartbreak I have ever experienced in my life. For those of you that are members of the unfortunate club, how have you worked through it? What were things you were thinking and feeling? I've talked to more women than I expected to in my life about this as they, too, have had at least one miscarriage. Again, I apologize for the lengthy post. If you made it this far, I really really appreciate you taking the time to listen.
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Goldendoodle08
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I'm sorry. I just lost my little cousin yesterday who was 11 so I know the grieving part. As for a miscarriage, I haven't made it that far in life being a 16 year old and all. Um, the only thing I can think to say is I know its going to be hard and I know I can't imagine what your going through but I love children so thinking of being pregnant and losing one, I can only imagine the pain must be 10 times worse for you, but just keep pushing through, don't get lost in that anger and sadness. And if you ever need to talk, you can talk about to anyone on here you feel combatable with. Its always better to talk about when your ready. I have slowly figured that out myself. I wish you the best and I hope things start to get better for you.
I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin. Losing anyone at any age is absolutely awful. It has helped going back to work to keep my mind off of it during the day. Thank you for your encouraging words.
I’m sorry for your loss; I know your pain (3 times). It does get better; some days are better than others. Seeing everyone else pregnant and having babies is really hard. Don’t beat yourself up - feel however you feel. It’s the only way to just keep swimming. Grief is complicated - anger, sadness, jealousy that others have what we lost are all normal reactions. I’m here for you.
I'm so sorry for your losses. My heart breaks for you. Others that I have talked to with similar experiences have all said the same thing that it does get easier. It already has to a certain degree, but damn. I loved someone so so much without ever having met them. I will always remember our first child. ❤ Thank you for listening.
I’m here to listen any time. It is so hard to say goodbye to someone you never got a chance to meet. Finding your own way to memorialize your baby also helps; there are many ways - whatever makes you feel better. My personal choice was a tattoo - 3 black roses for my grief and I’m adding 3 beautiful butterflies for my angel babies.
I love that idea. I have thought about a tattoo. I've wanted another one anyway, but wasn't sure what to get.
First of all, I want to welcome you to the site. I also want to take this time to tell you I am so, so sorry about losing your baby. Please know that what happened isn’t your fault & you never know, you may get this baby back one day. <3 Take however long you need to mourn during this time. I lost a baby at the beginning of this year in a very traumatic way. I was 15 weeks, 3 days along. I ended up trying to commit suicide after the loss. Please make sure to reach out to your husband & other family/friends to comfort you. You shouldn’t go through this alone. Please know that even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, & it may not for quite some time, you will find a day where the pain is less than it was before. I’m here for you through this, sister. Your baby will always be loved & remembered. <3
I am incredibly sorry for the loss of your baby as well. The feelings that are associated with this after the fact are close to unbearable. I am going to call today to set up time for me to start meeting with a counselor. I am hoping this will help me to better process everything. One thing that I am really struggling with currently is that I did not reach out to one of my best friends here at school. The main reason being that she is only a month ahead of where I was in pregnancy. She is now upset with me, but I also don't want her to make this about her. I feel like it is my decision as to when I will be ready to talk to her. I have tried reaching out to her, but she typically ignores my messages. If she cannot understand why it would be hard for me to talk to her, I really do not feel this is my problem. This is probably incredibly selfish of me, but she gets to keep her baby, and I did not.
I have been so tempted to take more time off of work, but I know that I need to start moving on. I designed and ordered personalized ornaments for my husband and our parents. My husband doesn't know that I did this, and I am excited to surprise him with it. Anyway, I really appreciate you listening and you are in my thoughts and prayers as you continue through the grieving process. I am so glad that you are still with us. <3
I too am so very very sorry for your loss...and have been where you are. I had 2 miscarriages around the same time as you and had a 24 week pregnancy end and had to go through labor and delivery knowing our baby was already dead. You are right, it is the worst heartbreak I too have experienced so far in my life. It does get easier as time goes on but you will never forget your precious little one. For me, attending an in person support group helped tremendously - it was held at our local hospital for those who experienced miscarriage or infant loss up to age 1. Knowing I wasn't alone made it easier.
My husband and I have special Christmas ornaments for each little one - an angel with a birthstone of the month they were due for the first two and the month of the stillbirth for the 3rd. At first I had these out all year long but one year I packed them away with the other Christmas ornaments until the following year. When we moved into our house we planted a special rosebush for our little ones in heaven too. It is a beautiful reminder that life does go on.
I realize now that especially after my last loss I should have gone to see a counselor - I wish I had because I know I was experiencing depression. I didn't but I think it would have helped to have someone besides my DH to talk to also. So I'd suggest that as a help also.
Take the time you need too from your job -- I totally understand not wanting to let your students down (I was a teacher at one time too and my DH still is) but, at the same time, you need to make sure you're taking care of YOUR needs so that you can be the best teacher possible for them too.
Saying a prayer for you - and if you'd like to chat or ask more questions feel free.
I am so sorry for your losses. Your angels are so dearly loved. One of my high school classmates this past spring had a child that was still born at full term. My heart aches for him and his wife, and it even aches even more now that I have experienced my own loss.
I absolutely love the ornament idea. I just ordered some last night. I also purchased them for my parents and in-laws. My goal is to call our local clinic to start meeting with a counselor. I already struggle with anxiety and have talked with a counselor before. It greatly helped me, and I know that it is the right decision for me again. I greatly appreciate your advice and willingness to share your experience. I opened up on Facebook yesterday and discovered even more mamas that have been through this. Best of luck to you on your journey. <3
Golden I'm SO glad that you found the ornament idea helpful and found some to order! I pray they bring you the same peace as they did to my DH and I. What a great idea to have gotten them for your parents and in-laws as well. I hope too that you are able to meet with a counselor again soon.
How was school the rest of the week? Try to relax and rest this weekend.
Yes, I loved the idea! I was actually able to get in a see a counselor already tomorrow. I am really looking forward to it. School was okay, thank you for asking. I only left my classroom once, but could have easily left a half dozen more times. I was able to stay home yesterday and sleep/grade essays. Got to hang out with our dog, Max. I had two other teachers in our district reach out to me Friday and we met for coffee after school and then the other Saturday morning. It is so much easier for me to talk to people who have been through it, and I am guessing that is the same for others. Also found out a good friend at church had five plus a stillborn. I had no idea.
SO glad you were able to see a counselor so soon - and I hope it went well today! Sounds like you had a good weekend too which is good and you have some good supportive friends -- that will help too as you begin to take small steps forward. You're definitely not alone in your experience -- and one day you'll find you are able to reach out and begin to comfort others who will, sadly, come behind you. Hang in there - because it DOES get easier....
Thank you! It was just routine "about me" stuff for that first day so she knows what she's working with. It just doesn't feel real sometimes. I am very glad to hear that it gets better. It has already gotten a little better, but I know that there's a long way to go. I really appreciate your comforting words of wisdom. I know that things will get better, but it sure is hard to see it right now.
I also suffered from miscarriage 2 years back and after that anxiety attacks started. I was unable to cope with the loss. I used to remain sad. But time heals everything. Dont worry u will heal soon mentally as well.
I am so sorry for your loss. Others that I have talked to have said that it gets easier everyday, but the pain never really does go away. It literally pains me when I see how common miscarriage truly is. I am so glad that you have been able to find healing, and I hope that one day I am able to, too.
But not healed completely still trying everyday to cope with anxiety attacks. But i have made promise to myself that i will not lose no matter what. But dnt lose hope my dear u can and u will be able to heal inshaallah.
Been a bit since I last posted on this thread. Just curious if the feeling of anger ever goes away. I'm angry at God, I'm angry when I see others are pregnant....I'm just angry, and I know it's not good, believe me. I have to physically talk myself down from getting/staying angry. Does that subside?
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I had two other teachers in our district reach out to me Friday and we met for coffee after school and then the other Saturday morning. It is so much easier for me to talk to people who have been through it, and I am guessing that is the same for others. Also found out a good friend at church had five plus a stillborn. I had no idea. 
Suffering in Silence 
suffering in silence 
Escaping the Labyrinth of Suffering
25 year old male. Anxiety sufferer but something isn't right.
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