I have wanted to put this into words, but I have been unsure how so I apologize if this is crazy and long-winded. At the beginning of September, my husband and I discovered that I was pregnant with our first child. Naturally, I was ecstatic, but husband had some reservations mainly pertaining to money. He came around and started to talk about baby more and more as the weeks went on. I went to my first appointment earlier in October where I gave my health history to the nurse practitioner, but I wasn't scheduled for my first u/s for another month when I would be 12 weeks along.
We hit week 10, and I was getting more and more excited as we would be seeing our baby in just a couple of short weeks! I woke up at about 4 AM last Tuesday morning with some cramping, which had been normal for me, but I couldn't get back to sleep. Finally, I got up at around 5 to use the bathroom. I discovered blood, and I immediately started crying and yelling for my husband. I put in for a sub at school (since I'm a teacher), and we rushed to the emergency room. At the end of my ER visit, the doctor came and told us that I should be ten weeks along, but the baby was only measuring at six weeks. On top of this, they could not find a heartbeat. My husband and I were devastated. We went home and started the grieving process for the loss of our first child.
The next day, I started to have some MAJOR bleeding and went back to the ER. That day I had a D&C, and stayed home for the third day in a row. I felt so much better physically, but mentally and emotionally, I was drained. I have never hurt so much in my entire life. I forced myself to go to school on Friday since I knew my students (who are 8th graders) would be asking all sorts of questions that middle schoolers ask. They were also having a tough time with me being gone for so long unexpectedly. Anyway, while each day has gotten a little easier, I know that I will be up and down for a long time. To top everything off, one of my good friends at school is pregnant and was only a month ahead of me. She is well into her second trimester now. I am selfishly angry that she got to keep her baby, and I didn't. I haven't talked to her since I texted her what was happening last Tuesday. She knows that I will be angry and upset for a while, and I know it's not her fault, but seriously? I now get to watch her be pregnant for most of the school year.
I know that I am not the only woman to have experienced this, but this is literally the most heartbreak I have ever experienced in my life. For those of you that are members of the unfortunate club, how have you worked through it? What were things you were thinking and feeling? I've talked to more women than I expected to in my life about this as they, too, have had at least one miscarriage. Again, I apologize for the lengthy post. If you made it this far, I really really appreciate you taking the time to listen.
I had two other teachers in our district reach out to me Friday and we met for coffee after school and then the other Saturday morning. It is so much easier for me to talk to people who have been through it, and I am guessing that is the same for others. Also found out a good friend at church had five plus a stillborn. I had no idea. 
