This is my first time posting here. I have been suffering from depression since the start of March when I had a surgical miscarriage and have been dealing with continuing related health issues. A very good friend of mine announced her pregnancy around the same time as my miscarriage and of course I am happy for her but am also having complicated feelings about it. Tomorrow is her baby shower and I really don’t know how I’m going to make it through the day. I need some words of encouragement and would love to reach out to anyone else who has had a pregnancy loss. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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natasha-romanova
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I never been to a baby shower. I am a guy so I don’t think they let men in. You asked for words of encouragement? Here goes. I think you are brave to go. It would be easy to say no I won’t go considering what happened. If things get overwhelming you can always step back, recompose yourself, and return. Besides their will be cake? Focus on the free cake! Maybe that is why men aren’t allowed? Always thinking with our stomachs.
Thank you for your encouragement! It’s going to be a co-ed shower so that should be interesting & I will look forward to the cake...and possibly wine? Hopefully there will be wine.
no fair! My sister didn’t tell me they could be coed. I missed out on cake and cookies! 😡
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This is such a sweet response and I agree 100%. You can control the situation on your terms if you decide to go (which I also think is very brave too!) My coworker can not conceive and she recently lost her baby. I've never been pregnant or desired kids, but I would imagine the pain is very great. Especially when you want children so desperately. I know she personally struggles with the same things you mentioned (her sister-in-law just had a baby and she's happy for her but equally feels awful because it's a reminder of what she does not have).
But I think by you giving yourself the chance to go, that's step one in the recovery process. And like the gentleman here mentioned, you can eat lots of cake and get drunk off wine
She's a close friend. I would try and go. You can leave at any time. Mayb don't stay for the gift opening if it's too much?
Drop in and out quickly to leave your gift?
Have you talked to your friend about this. I'm sure she will understand whatever you choose to do. If it's a surprise and you can't stay just talk to her later. I'm sure she understands how difficult this is for you.
I wish you peace as you continue your grieving process.
Thank you for your advice. My friend and I have spoken and she has been very respectful about giving me space. I want to support her and am anxious about doing something that will ruin her special day.
Hello i had the same thing happen to me in february at 13 weeks and it was such a shock and it brought back all my anxiety and depression. My friend also had a baby when mine was due and i didnt go to her baby shower as i wouldve found it too upsetting. Sending hugs as i know how hard it is x
I’m a survivor of multiple miscarriages but also a mom of three awesome kids that came in between them, two are teens so it’s been quite a few years since my losses but I understand what you are feeling. My friends too were having babies and pregnant during my miscarriages. It is very, very difficult to handle, the fact that you are trying and reaching out is amazing, so celebrate that a little. I agree with reaching out to your friend if you feel comfortable, if she is true, she will understand and maybe even make you feel better about either going or not going. Tell her how happy you are for her but also be honest about how much you are still suffering at the moment. If you feel up to it, go, stay for just a little while and have a plan to leave if needed. You can both celebrate your friend and take care of yourself, it doesn’t have to be one or the other. My best to you. You will heal, our little angels are never forgotten but our pain fades over time, but slowly so give yourself space to grieve and heal.
Thank you so much for your words and advice. It means so much to hear from other women who have gone through the same thing.
I had two in my late twenties, no kids then so I was very depressed thinking I would never have any. I divorced that man and dreamed of meeting a man with children I could love. I met him in my thirties and he had a six year old. During those years my sister who everyone sees as perfect had three babies. I felt worthless. I remember crying at her son's birthday party. After I married my new love, two months later I was pregnant but super stressed because I figured it would happen again. I didn't bond while pregnant for many months because I didn't want to hurt again if it happened. On the day of my baby shower, eight months pregnant, I cried leaving the house to go because I realized I might actually get to hold and love this one. Now she is 12!
What helped me was writing a letter to my lost babies, giving them names and telling the kids about them because they do matter even though we didn't meet them.
Just do things at your own pace. For a while you will notice every pregnant woman around. It hurts but in time the pain subsides, but they are never forgotten.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and your advice. I work at a popular tourist destination and see so many pregnant women and babies all the time; especially now as I should be 8 months pregnant. I am anxious about trying to get pregnant again because I bonded so quickly with my miscarried pregnancy and I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that again. It’s so helpful knowing I’m not alone in these feelings.
Your welcome. Next time just make sure you are months off of any birth control hormone like pills and plan it out with good diet etc. Not that you caused it but I think mine was birth control still in my system. Wait six to eight weeks if possible before telling people since that's the usual time frame for miscarriages. After that don't stress since it can cause trouble and try to enjoy it. I know it's real hard. I think women don't realize how common it is due to several reasons. Its the bodies way when there are problems so I believe it's meant to happen for the best when it does. The problem is now pregnancy tests can detect it so early and it's not a given for several weeks. Back then women didn't find out for months when it is usually gonna stick.
I’ve been off hormonal birth control for over a year. I had something called a molar pregnancy which is super rare, it happens when two sperm fertilize the same egg which is not viable but implants itself in the uterus. It feels like a normal pregnancy because it produces the hormones but grows like a tumor in your uterus. It looks normal at the beginning so we didn’t find out until 3 months. The chances of it happening again are very low but I’m still so anxious about it.
I am so sorry for your loss. I cant imagine the pain you must be feeling plus all the crazy hormonal changes your body is going thru. Im going to be different on saying it would be perfectly fine for you to skip the shower if you are not up for it. A baby shower is a happy, fun celebration. I know you want to feel those feelings and if you really think you can get thru it, then go. But if you go and find you cannot, and end up an emotional mess( I would be), then the event will be about them consoling you and your friend will feel badly because you feel badly. If you decide not to go, just call her and explain and she will totally understand. She might even feel relieved as it’s common for others to feel guilt when someone else suffers a tragedy. You be kind to you, do whats beat for you. Now isnt the time to push yourself with a fake happy face. You are grieving, allow yourself that time. 💜
Thank you ❤️ my friend is so special to me and she has always been there for me and I want to be there for her, too. I’m so anxious that I will have a panic attack or something and ruin her special day
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& I will look forward to the cake...and possibly wine? Hopefully there will be wine.
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