Long Time

[gleamx]

I’ve been depressed for a very long time due to multiple circumstances throughout most of my life. I came from an amazing family, two awesome parents and three sisters. The main thing is there was always something going on that just periodically chipped away at me. One sister was in multiple abusive relationships, another was a troubled child that regularly acted out until she had to be put in a facility, and the other sister had a pretty bad divorce. My oldest sister had both lungs collapse while I was hanging out with her, she was driving, she has been on oxygen every since. As long as I can remember, my dad was always sick, a slew of issues. Multiple heart attacks, strokes, amputations, etc., by the time he passed away he was taking 70+ pills a day. The only reason I know he was taking over 70 was because in middle school I helped prepare his weekly medications. My mom was supposed to be the healthier of my parents and for the most part she was, until around my 8th grade year she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. By my senior year my mom had passed away, five years later my dad passed. Most of my dads doctors said he was a medical miracle and that my mom should have easily outlived him. Fast forward to Christmas 2018, two days after my wife proceeds to tell me she wants a divorce and leaves me two weeks later and takes almost everything. On the exterior I have always been everyones rock, the strong one. Typically I am the happy go lucky, make others laugh and feel comfortable, and according the others the friendliest and kindest person they know. I’ve always been this way, but inside it I am dying. No one cares to see what actual lies beneath, and in the times I have suffered the most, it was in seclusion and silence. I didn’t impose the seclusion and silence on myself, others just seem to disappear or not want to see me in that state. Nowadays it almost isn’t worth letting those around me know because it falls on deaf ears. In the last year or so I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and Depression. As is the case with most medication I have taken, it didn’t work and when I sought counseling the few that I tried seemed more concerned with getting paid than listening or even trying to help. I’m at wits end for a lot of it, I could never be suicidal due to my moms struggle with cancer and how hard she fought to survive, but have become complacent with the idea of dying. I won’t go searching out methods, but have been in the rut so long that it doesn’t bother me, like if I die then I die. I honestly feel as though I have nowhere or no one to turn to. Even those closest to me don’t even listen.

[Hidden]

Hello,

Good grief, this is a lot for someone to take on and I'm very sorry to hear how things have went. I've felt this way a lot....having to be the rock when I'm the biggest mess in the world inside. I've stayed stoic for various people in my life at various points....death, sadness, or whatever was wrong for them. Even though, again, I'm just trying to hold myself together without causing issues for everyone else.

I'm sorry to hear about your ex-wife leaving you. I know that's a very bitter pill to swallow. You've been dealt a pretty rough deck of cards and I completely empathize with you when it comes to medication and therapy....some of it sort of worked, but it mostly did not work. Fortunately/unfortunately for me, I'm less okay with death, but I don't want to focus on that for your post.

I think right now is the perfect time to begin caring for yourself more. When I figured out that nothing I was doing for my anxiety/panic/depression was working, I Googled until I think Google just wanted me to stop already. I have found that a lot of different things have worked. Mindfulness audio sessions, exercise (though this has taken a back seat...I need to get my butt back in the gym), meditation, and acupuncture. Believe it or not, acupuncture has done wonders for me. It has shown a lot of promise for anxiety sufferers. As with any "help", I think you'll have to be stoic for yourself now. If a certain doctor or practitioner isn't working for you, move on. If this therapist isn't working for you, move on. I've tried supplements (even have a new one called Min-Chex - 5525 that I need to try) even. I just won't stop trying something because I just refuse to let what's beat me up inside win.

Don't think that the difficulties associated with anxiety is just the curtains drawing over your life. Please keep trying and keep posting here for support. There are tons of people like you here with TONS of different ideas that you may not have thought of. Keep trying, keep going....and let it be for yourself. You've done so much for others, it's time to do more for yourself....and that's perfectly okay.

[Hidden]

I’m sorry that you are going through a tough time at the moment. I can’t imagine having to go through all that when you were younger.

I understand that you tried counselling and it didn’t work but I would urge you to try again. I found counselling didn’t work for me but CBT therapy was very helpful. It’s all about finding a therapist that you like.

When I was depressed I found that starting new hobbies were great ways to pass time and occupy my mind. Have you tried hiking or exercising outdoors as it has been proven that exercise is great for treating depression. What about painting, singing, reading or writing. There are plenty hobbies out there you just have to find something that interests you.

Please don’t give up - we are all fighting the same battle here. ❤️

[hisipiki]

I will listen. U r not alone. Feel free to talk to me anything u want to!