Bad day

Today I found out that my father had been cheating on my mother. It hurt a lot and don't know who to talk to. I don't even know how to feel.

[hypercat54]

Oh dear not good. I can see two ways of dealing with this. You can ignore it, or you can tell your father that you know. You could say unless he tells your mother you would feel you have no choice but to tell her yourself. x

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

Both parents know now. My mother says it is no big deal. I just don't know how to move on with this information.

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Well if they are both fine with it then that's ok. Your relationship with your father might change but that's a different issue. x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

You mom is wrong- It does matter. Marriage without sexual fidelity is ......not marriage. Don’t you follow her example and let men cheat on you. May as well spit in your face.

If Dad has money why not divorce him and get hers? If he’s broke, well that’s two strikes against him.

But whatever your parent’s relationship is, they will always be your mom and dad. That is what you have to work out- how to relate to them now.

[IChoose]

Are you enmeshed? I realize it's your parents, but it's their relationship and their problem. You should know it has absolutely nothing to do with you, and they really are toxic if they are dumping their nonsense on you. Really, it's none of your business and I'm so sad you found out about it.

Are they going to divorce, work through their problems in counseling, or just live in denial that nothing's wrong?

So sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you will learn from their bad marriage and make a good one. If you feel that this is driving you into counseling, by all means go, and gain the relationship tools that your parents don't seem to have.

Let's hope everything works out for the best and your family is strengthened, not torn apart. Love really can conquer all, but it takes a lot of work and humility.

[Lazy_dog_lover]

This is a tough one...but it is not yours to own. You feel whatever you feel. That comes from tour heart, not your head.

[HearYou]

Know this is hard to accept, but this your parent's business. Not yours. You are hurting because this probably scares you. But you can't change anything and you need to keep yourself well. That's your business. People are not perfect, not even parents who break promises to one another. It's ok for you to emotionally walk away from this. People who break promises sometimes manage to put the pieces back together. Maybe you could give them the privacy and space and time to do that. We're here for you.

[Hidden]

Tell father what you think of his conduct. Then let it go. He’s not your husband. My father was the same way. I would t speak to him for over 20 years. Then I emailed him my feelings; in his response he did not own his actions- but it didn’t matter. I got to say my piece. We’ve slowly rebuilt a relationship of some sort and I’m glad. He’s 80 now.

[B4andafter]

I don't have much to add. I agree with the previous comments. I think Meow2018 is right-tell your father what you are feeling. Don't count on him reacting well or apologizing but he has to know his actions affect you. It's too bad your mother accept his cheating; sometimes it's because they'd rather live with the devil they know than experience the fear and anxiety of the unknown.

[Ann10]

I am sorry that your father was unfaithful to your mother. Have you considered counseling for yourself? Therapists can teach you coping skills so that you can process your feelings and thoughts.

[Hidden]

As you get older your perspective may shift. Unfaithfulness doesn't have to be a relationship ender. People are flawed, relationships are complicated, there are lots of gray areas. I would stay focused on what brings joy and meaning to your life.

[IChoose]

I'm not sure if in the terrific comments anyone mentioned seeking out a support group. There is a group, I think it's alanon, for families of alcoholcs. I mention a group like this because it's free and open and an opportunity to listen and share about dysfunction within the family.

I like free support groups a lot. If there is any alcoholism in your family, or if you feel like this situation is driving you to drink, there are tons of free and open aa ( alcoholics anonymous) groups. Attendance is anonymous and you never have to tell anyone you're going.

Something that has come with middle age, I have come to understand that the vocation to marriage and raising children does not presuppose perfect people. We cannot choose our parents, we can choose our friends.

Everything hurts so much when it's our parents, but in the end they are perhaps doing the best they can right now. Yes, our parents have tremendous weaknesses and faults. Yes, sometimes they set a terrible example. The odd thing about it is, the more unresolved issues we have about them, I think the more likely we are to repeat or act out their behavior. Then we have only ourselves to blame, which is terribly painful.

[Mary-intussuception]

Was this before your Mom left?

Was this the reason your Mom left?

Or is it a new relationship for your father since your parents have been living apart?