Struggles

[-Joyful-]

Keeping everything to yourself can become unbearable. Bottling up emotions, creating a facade, holding stories to yourself, crying yourself to sleep where no one can hear you. I’ve been doing this for much of my life. I haven’t been officially diagnosed with depression, or bipolar disorder, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I do actually have it. The problem is that I don’t know how to get help, how to pull myself from this pit I’ve dug myself. I can be fatigued, and I have trouble sleeping, unwanted thoughts, and I’m paranoid and have trust issues, a short attention span, and weight problems, no self-esteem at all, and I think that everyone sees me in a bad light. I’m afraid to reach out to those who can help me, partially because I fear they won’t listen or believe me, or not care about me. Part of me knows that my friends and family care about me, and that’s why I haven’t killed myself yet. I’m too afraid to hurt them. I want to escape this hellhole before I fall in too deep. Please, someone help me.

[LovelySnow]

Hi Joyful. Oh, gosh I was like you a lot. I did NOT want to talk to ANYONE. That was almost 20 years ago. I have since let people in and found that there are some extremely compassionate people out there who can and want to support you. Not everyone may be good to talk to or will understand you. But there ARE people out there. Please reach out.

[written]

Hi there joyful,

I feel like our situations are so similar. For me it was much easier to tell people over a message. Specifically two friends of mine who don’t live anywhere near me. Maybe this could work for you?

I haven’t told the people who could help me most. I’ve come very close lately though. I mentioned it to some friends of mine in a downplayed kind of way because I didn’t want to start bawling in front of them. They told me to go to the doctor. That medication and therapy would help. They knew because they’d done it years ago. I can’t even describe how relieved and hopeful I became just from talking with them. I honestly thought I didn’t know anyone else who was like this.

Things are still a bit rough because it’s only been about two weeks since I told them. The awful feelings are still there but now I feel like there’s some hope.

I still struggle with fully discussing what I feel and think during these awful attacks and I’m too worried and paranoid to cry in front of most people in real life. This forum is helping though I think.

Also I just want to mention that my insurance covers therapy through an app called Doctor on Demand and I think it’s much better for my anxiety than going into an office. Maybe you could try something like that?

Best of luck.

[mlj6019]

Thank you for reaching out on the forum. It is a good place to start, sharing your struggles, because you are not alone. You are absolutely right that bottling up everything and trying to suppress it only leads to further issues, including isolation and extreme sense of “aloneness”. The only way to heal and move forward is to face it and deal with it. It is good that you are concerned about how your family would be affected. No one wants to hurts their loved ones deep down.

I don’t know details about your situation but here is a link about depression you may find helpful. Keep sharing and opening up. Seeking a therapist would be an option as well. I wish you the best.

tinyurl.com/yxg3r9aw

(if the link doesn't work just copy and paste)