Struggling…: Hi. I just signed up w... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

87,608 members82,294 posts

Struggling…

LostInNJ profile image
17 Replies

Hi. I just signed up w this group cause don’t really have anyone else to talk to.

I’m struggling w the longest deepest depression (and anxiety) episode I’ve had in a very long time. I was in the hospital 5 months but came out “ok”. I just moved into a house in NJ w my mother, sister and nephew. I haven’t been able to get it together since. Just gone downhill.

I’ve been off and on 5 medications in the last 3 weeks so idk whether I’m coming or going. I can hardly think or make a simple decision. I have so much anxiety I am a little afraid to leave the house. I take comfort and solace in my bedroom. I’ve been on a new combination of meds - Effexor and Remeron for the past 5 days. I take Ativan for the nervousness I feel all day. Idk if anyone can relate… but when I wake up - I look fwd to going to bed. Pretty pathetic huh? Im trying my best to get out of bed and join my family. My mother has been my biggest suppprt and I know I would not be here without her. My sister and nephew have that stigma - “just get up and go this or do that and you’ll feel fine”. It’s not that easy to do much of anything. And no one will truly understand unless you are in this.

I’ve stopped caring about myself. I wanna care. But I don’t. I wish I could get back to myself…when I was healthy, fit and content w my life. I used to run but I’ve gained all that weight back and that makes it 10x harder to get out of this.

Idk. Im just here to meet people who struggle with the same, maybe get some help in any way I can and try to get myself out of this. Get “me” back again.

Thanks for listening 🙏🏻

Aimee

Written by
LostInNJ profile image
LostInNJ
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Read more about...
17 Replies
Obscured profile image
Obscured

Hi LostInNJ. Welcome to the community. I'm really sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I totally relate to what you said about simply existing and not living. I just want to sleep or lie in bed all day and not face the dread of living. Most days I manage to get up and go through the motions, but I have completely lost myself and have no idea how to get "me" back. I'm not sure if it helps, but know that you are not alone.

LostInNJ profile image
LostInNJ in reply to Obscured

Thanks Obscured. I appreciate that. You know what I really can't stand during this depression? THE SUN. I actually look ahead for the cloudy days. I always wondered if anyone could relate to that.

So what is your living situation? Alone? I realized that I probably can never live alone. As much as "it" - I always say "it" cause depression takes "me" away. My personality goes, my smile, my interests - everything just disappears. I live with my mother, my older sister and her son. And much as it wants me to isolate and not speak to anyone I have no choice. I can either sit in my room all day, be totally wrapped up in myself and really let it fester or I can get out of my comfort zone and open the door and come out. Today is really the first day since I have been on these new meds that I got out of bed at 8:30 and came out. I don't have to talk to anyone but it shows I am trying ya know? It's extremely uncomfortable and I wanna go back to my room, put the TV on and just get lost, but I want to get back to myself more than anything. But IT seems so much bigger than me and much more powerful.

notanotter profile image
notanotter

Like you I used to be more active, and I felt much better because of it. I’m trying to just get back in a routine with exercise at least 4 days a week. That is my primary goal for now. It’s the first step to helping myself feel better.

LostInNJ profile image
LostInNJ in reply to notanotter

Good for you! That’s much more then I can say myself. We have a gym in our condo complex and I guess I’m waiting for that click of motivation to happen. But like “they” say - we gotta push through it as hard as it may seem. May I how you got to a routine of 4 days a week of exercise? Or is it simply just not thinking about it and just doing it?

notanotter profile image
notanotter in reply to LostInNJ

Well it’s a work in progress but I’m averaging 2 - 4 times a week now. Up from…0-1!

I have an online workout class I really like and feel good after. I love the instructor who is funny and keeps talking us through. That’s twice a week.

“I can do 10 minutes of anything.” Once I start, usually I will go longer. If not, fine, I did 10 minutes!

As you suggested, it works best if I don’t let myself think about it and just go like I told myself I would.

To avoid feeling rebellious, I tell myself that I have to start, but I can always leave if I want to. (So far I’ve only done that once or twice but it helps motivate me when it’s cold outside.)

UkyoCoanccy profile image
UkyoCoanccy

I like cloudy days too. Those are beautiful too. There is nothing bad about enjoying something different that probably you didn't before.There is beauty in almost everything we do but sometimes we do not see it. Now that you are in you bed most of the time because of your depression, try to use that time for yourself. I mean, watch funny or beautiful movies. Drink cups of tea or chocolate.

Imagine what places in the world would you like to know. Use the internet to know more about those beautiful places.

Pamper yourself. You deserve it.

Depression makes us to forget that there is beauty in this world.

It is too difficult to accept that you no longer feel as before, but you will do it.

Little by little you will feel better and a little bit of motivation.

I have been in your shoes a lot of times. I have ups and downs. I know that sometimes we do not care to try. Do not give up.

Hugs for you. 🤗

LostInNJ profile image
LostInNJ in reply to UkyoCoanccy

Thank you so much for giving me such a different perspective on things. I actually took my dog for a long walk today and did try to recognize the beauty along the trail we walked. I only wish I could see beauty in myself. I used to be beautiful, I used to be fit, I used to have friends, I used to have a personality, I used to smile and laugh and I used to see a purpose for myself. I always describe Depression as a dark wet heavy blanket wrapped around me that is extremely difficult to push off…making all those simple things so difficult to do. My mother always says “baby steps” but only wishing I could snap my fingers going back to who I used to be - who I am meant to be.

I thank you again and sending ((((hugs))))

A

notanotter profile image
notanotter in reply to LostInNJ

Me too! Same heavy blanket image.

I’m glad you have a dog and went for a long walk. I’m envious! We have cats haha.

I feel that if you “used to be [whatever], you have the capacity and skills in you. You might have to poke around, gently try new avenues, or think back to childhood to what used to work.

We can be those things again. I’ve had the stuffing knocked out of me too. Lately I find it helpful to think of the times I managed to overcome in the past.

MEZB profile image
MEZB

Dear LostIn NJ, you are definitely not alone, try to remember that. And also keep in mind that things will get better. My heart aches for you!My Effexor experience has been positive. I was on 150mg for 4 years and just went down to 75mg a few months ago. It's still working for me but of course you are a different person.

When I was in deep depression I forced myself to get out of the house and take a walk every day at the same time.

This helped me in multiple ways: getting dressed, experiencing the season, made me legitimately tired and improved my appetite.The best of all is that mild exercise like walking became as habitual for me as wanting to sleep all day. I know sounds overwhelming and impossible but if you can bring yourself to do it, I believe it will help you.

Talk therapy and crying are very helpful too! Seeing hugs. XXOO

LostInNJ profile image
LostInNJ in reply to MEZB

Thank you so much MEZB for the advice. Routine is the most important thing we can do for ourselves. As hard and gut wrenching it can feel to get up and do anything - and since being on the Effexor (just 37.5 for now) I’m trying to do just that; having a routine. So far it’s getting out of bed each morning at the same time. Walking my dog around noon.

I also suffer with anxiety. I take Ativan to help with the extreme nervousness and paralyzed feeling I get too often. Can I ask if Effexor ever felt too “speedy”?

abc30 profile image
abc30

Hi,

I take remeron for many years. It is a good antidepressant, it allow you to sleep better. Between 2 and 4 weeks you should see an improvement of your depression, if not you should go back to psychiatrist for reevaluation.

The most important thing is to not stay too long with depression, you must go or call to doctor each time you feel bad.

It is not normal to stay and wait. Depression will not disappear by itself, no matter if you watch movies, no matter the weather.

My advice is to talk with a doctor for every bad feeling you have.

LostInNJ profile image
LostInNJ in reply to abc30

Thanks so much for taking the time for the advice. I’m working hard to do what I can to push myself as there’s no magic pill right? I have “refractory depression” so most antidepressants don’t help. I’m also going for ECT every other week and have heard personal triumphs from the Ketamine treatment. My doctor seems to think ECT and a couple Ketamine treatments might be the way to go to help pull me out of this. I’d love to be off all these meds cause sometimes idk whether I’m coming or going. Thank you so much 🌹

Hi, thank you for being so open and honest on here. I'm really struggling myself, I'm 51 and living with my parents. About 3 years ago I had an apartment and a car and I lost both of those things. I have bipolar disorder and I'm on disability. I don't know if I can recover from anything anymore. I just want to hide in my bedroom too. I feel for you and if I was doing better I'd probably try to say something more to cheer you up but these are really rough times. I do hope you eventually make an effort to get out more and possibly get some therapy. 💖

LostInNJ profile image
LostInNJ in reply to

Don’t feel bad. I appreciate everything you said and relate to all of it. I lost everything too due to my depression. I too Amon disability. Since 2009. It’s been a life saver is a positive thing I can say. I’ll be 46 in a couple weeks and also live with my mother, older sister and her son. My father died last year from COVID.

May I ask if your parents are supportive? Do they understand you?

in reply to LostInNJ

There is some friction between us, however in a lot of ways they are supportive. I have not been well lately, I'm scheduled to start seeing a case manager at least once a month in a couple of weeks. I do pay my parents rent money.

samack profile image
samack

Hi Aimee. I relate to your despair. The last 3 years have been a dark hole of depression. I look forward to bedtime, its so peaceful, which I never am otherwise. I live alone. That being said to say you're not alone in this. I try to have faith things will come together soon. Each day has its possibilities for meds and therapy to take hold. Its hard, but maybe we can all walk this journey with each others support. Here's to better days ahead.

LostInNJ profile image
LostInNJ in reply to samack

Thanks Samack. I relate and appreciate your response. Stay positive and I’m here for you.Amy

You may also like...

Struggling struggling struggling

Hope everyone’s had a great Friday. I myself am struggling so much lately. Nothings changed in my

struggling

life is the worst it’s ever been. i’ve been in a terrible accident, i’ve disappointed my whole...

Struggling

Every day I make the effort to help myself but it just gets worse. I’m exhausted. Thanks for...

Struggling

time. Currently in one and it sucks. Hard to get out of bed and even work consistently to make a...

struggling

and It’s also my time of the month. I’ve been eating normal and don’t really feel nauseous but...