Sorry for the vagueness of the original post. I was dealing with some stuff mentally and didn't feel up to explaining myself fully. But i will do the now. Thanks for the encouragement by the way.
Explanation:
I have intrusive thoughts and am totally numb. This has been happening since the end of 2017; getting worse as time goes on. I have done some terrible things and the guilt attacks me almost everyday, should i forgive myself?
I hope this helps.
Thanks again
PS: i am getting help, its just i have to wait so much and its not great atm
Written by
Jordisbored
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Why are you giving up - is it the monotony of sameness - you are stuck in limbo and can't move on because you so emotionally exhausted? What are the demons playing havoc with your mind so you just want to sleep or have given you pain? We've been in the same place as you - so we can listen.
You know what guilt feelings you have and what they are to do with.
If you've said something hurtful and broken a relationship and you've shut the door with no contact - then we have all done this unintentionally flying off the handle if we are under pressure. If you are having intrusive thoughts which seem to be telling you to do something which you know would be violent or to be manipulative
then may be you need re assessment. If you have had sleep deprivation this can lead to confused thought. If you have been drinking, or taking other stuff this can affect your mental health if you are on medication. As you are busy having tasks to do then this is a start to getting your mind off your thoughts. May be you are being too hard on yourself? If you have hurt someone, and they are in regular contact with your other contacts you could try to apologise by sending a text to ask them how they are. If you get no reply - then leave it alone. You don't want to re open a door if it leads to you hurting someone all over again.
Ugh. The guilt. I can so relate. I have plenty to feel guilty about, not to mention all the guilt that's there for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. I feel guilty almost every second of every day if I'm honest with myself. But I try to just block it out bc it's the only way. Do you have kids? A lot of mine is related to my children. It's gotten so bad I hardly have any clothes besides my work uniforms because I can't deal with the guilt of buying myself something. If you find a solution I'd love to hear it. Otherwise, I'm around if you need to commiserate.
I am just the opposite! I keep buying to fill in a hole! I don’t know what my worth is! I did raise 3 girls and helped with 2 grandsons but now I am retired and they don’t stop in to see me very often! Too old I guess! They are all so busy too!
You will not always feel this way, Jordisbored, live for that time in the future when you will be able to enjoy life again.
If you are seriously thinking of self harming you must go straight away to the A&E or ER of your nearest hospital and tell them how you feel. They will give you the help you need.
Before you reach that stage you should make it known how you feel to as many people around you as possible: relatives, friends, partners and your doctor.
Just as Spring always follows Winter so good thoughts and good times will return to you - but you must go discuss this with your doctor. And there are always people here to share how you feel with and be given good advice.
This...lol. I had to tone myself down because I realized...you're also going to run into a lot of narcissists, borderline, etc, on a mental health forum.
That's funny positive with this shit life with things to do. It's when you leave everything piling up from washing up to doing th washing and shopping - you feel you want to crawl back to bed and let it go!
Hey, I know how you feel. I had numb myself to all feelings for 40 years. That is what Anorexics do. They numb. I have recently recovered from 40 years of Anorexia. The most fatal of all mental illness. I have recently recovered. I know it will be a daily process forever in order to stay recovered. I had repressed every childhood memory of the reason why I had been ill since 14. I only begin to remember anything 2 years ago. I am still in doctors care and would not be here today if I had not checked myself into treatment 6 years ago. I would be under the ground. That is how close to death Anorexia made me. I am dealing the best I can with PTSD from rape as a child. The violence I have been through as a small child. I am told by my mental doctors to process each memory as they come. Then release them. This is hard. I must do it though. It is healing the mind. I have forgiven each one in my life or in my past in my heart for the wrong they done to me. This is for me. To be free of the hurt and to move on and keep recovering from all the issues I have encountered. Yes, we all here have issues or would not be on this site. We are here to support one another and lift them up. We all want to help. A support group is a great way to share your pain. We have been there in similar situations. Intrusive thoughts I know way too well. Anorexics have had intrusive thoughts 24/7. The lies the voices in our head puts in there. I have learnt to drown them out. I fight daily. I am a true warrior and it takes a very strong person to conquer Anorexia war. I have done it and will daily. My problem is learning how to live without Anorexia. I am though. After 40 years of mental illness it is tough. I will conquer it. I have trouble with emotions. Emotions are normal. Hate, anger, love, compassion. Since my recent recovery, I am having feeling now. I am human. I am not a robot just existing anymore. Recovery is wonderful. My hardest emotion is anger. I am not a mean abusive person at all. I had a very violent father. Now I recall the rape he did to me at 5-11 years of age. The rape he did to my mother(the best wonderful mother ever) and my 3 siblings. The loaded gun to mother's head and butcher knives to her throat for forty 40. The memories of watching my sister being thrown on the floor and jumping on her and trying to kill her. I have these painful memories now and trying to process each one. I have done a lot of healing this winter. The long winter has allowed these. Not so sure that I like it. I suppose it is healing the mind. To be able to move on and live. Anger is normal. Why wouldn't I be angry at dad who make me mentally ill for all those years. For trying to kill my precious mother and my siblings. I recall him choking me. Many times mom had to pull him off. Anger is all normal. What to do with the anger is our choice. I hate violence so would never harm anyone except in self-defense. Violence is what I hate. I seen way too much as a small child and teenage years as well. I am an artist so I put my anger into use by drawing beautiful pictures. I love to work. I put my frustrations into work. I have feelings now not numb. I love, anger, compassion and all normal emotions that we as humans have. Numbing emotions is numbing pain. I know way to well. You can not mentally heal and live happily without confronting those intrusive thoughts. If they are painful process them and release them. It is tough but possible. I know. I see memories of knives lately during my healing. Those knives are memories of what I recall dad using on mom. I as a small child had thought of taking a knife and hiding it under my bed to kill dad when he came to rape me at night. To kill him so my family could not be tortured by him anymore. I have processed and released them. To heal. Why did I never take that knife to be? I am not a murderer. I knew as a child that I did not want to be anything like my dad. I have stuck by that too. I hate the intrusive memories when I think of guns and knives. It is called healing the mind. I am a very loving and compassionate person. I suppose my past has made me this way. We want to help. Love you and feelings of many different kinds are very normal. I keep telling myself this as well.
Hi, can I ask a question? I have a lot of interest in the repression of memories for personal reasons. Did you not remember any of these things you're describing until you went through therapy?
No, I did not remember anything all those 50 years but one tiny thing. I recalled a few times my dad touching me in the private area. It was too painful so my mind would shift to thinking and obsessing over food. Anorexia people like I was for forty years think and obsess over food 24/7. Anorexia was my ill all these years due to my trauma of the rape and violence as a child. I did not recall my memories for 3 and a half years into recovery for Anorexia. The brain was starved and the memories were still repressed. Two years ago my memories came one by one. I know everything now. My memories are very clear. Although the memories are horrible. It is far better to remember them and let them go. I would not have recovered from Anorexia if I had not started at the basement and worked my way upstairs. I was dying from Anorexia. In Nov. 2012 was the final straw. I laid there to die. I have recently recovered and doing great. Thank you. You can ask me anything. I am in full control of my life now. I will answer anything you want to know.
I do know that I could keep recalling my painful memories of my past. I have to in order to heal. I can not allow those memories to keep on coming after releasing them. It would only set me back into a severe depression and become a tormented person. I had severe depression all my life. I will not keep on remembering my abuse. It is not healing if I should daily remember and be bitter. I have to forgive and forget to move on and be happy. I am very glad that you ask about my memories. It has been so helpful in recognizing what could happen to me. If I keep remembering each day and not really letting them go. It will destroy me. Remembering and forgetting is not that easy. Since I only begin to recall my past 2 years ago. Those memories locked up in my head for fifty years. I find it hard. Like it just happened. I am grateful for this web. It has been so helpful. I feel for all of you who have struggled. No one is perfect and being able to speak is a great accomplishment. Love you and everyone here. I thank each one for helping me as well. We all need to be strong. Life is not always easy. We as a team can win. With the winter hard and long it has given more time to remember the past. I am healing though. I must let them go one by one to live happy and free. Thank you. You truly have helped me.
Everyone has intrusive thoughts. People like us have unwanted ones. Learning to deal with them is great. We can not change our past. Learn from it and move one. We will never be too old to learn. I suppose one reason I am upset now and memories of guns that dad used on mom are so in my head is the healing. It also has to do with triggers the mind. My son has been in prison for 6 years now. He is planning his release. He robbed a bank and mama did not teach him that. He will in his thirties. He is a man. Responsible for his own actions. The robbery was a loaded gun to bank teller's head. I can not imagine what was going through his mind. He was on meth. I do not know him. I love him so much but he was pushing me over the edge. I had to break loose. I have had so many issues of my own after 6 years of sending him money and all. I am done. You do not give other inmates mama's phone number as he did. He used me and was robbing from everyone before he was incarcerated. He must suffer for his actions. You break the law you pay. I want to cry. I know it is good. I have cried so many tears over him I do not think I have any more left. I had to let to go to keep what sanity I have left. LOL! Is he like his grandpa my dad? OMG NO! Grandpa died many years ago with a massive heart attack. I hope he is getting his just dues no. Sorry, but he was evil.
I know that I feel my deceased father should be getting his just dues as what he put his family though. I never want anyone to suffer. I am just upset about the violence he put on us. I loved and still do my father. I am just angry with him. I have forgiven to free my soul and move forward. I am such a forgiving and loving person. My dad suffered himself from his childhood. I do not truly wish he is getting any just dues. He had mental issues and never got help. Yes, even though he is dead. I still loved and love him. BE STRONG. WE ALL DO CARE ABOUT YOU.
Try picking up a journal and writing the intrusive thoughts out on paper, and continue to do this each time a thought you don't like enters your mind. As we try to suppress thoughts that bother us, that suppression actually causes that thought to re-surface more and more. Journaling can take the "fear" out of the thought. So even in the future you have these thoughts (which will prob happen), they will not disrupt you because you do not fear them. Acceptance is key.
As for your past mistakes, I cannot help you there. All I can say that will help here is begin a daily gratitude practice, writing down 4 things each morning you are grateful for. Also practice gratitude outwardly. Tell the banker at the bank how much you appreciate their work, or wave to the Police Officer who is directing traffic. At some point, this will begin to lighten up your disposition and you will feel more positive. And when you begin to have guilty feelings of past mistakes, just write them down in your journal.
I like the idea of writing the thoughts in a journal. I can see how it would be therapeutic because they're no longer just floating around in your head.
Dear Jordisbored, what is going on that you feel it's time to die. Do you have medical issues in addition to suffering depression, anxiety and panic? Please feel free to contact me through this site. I will pray for you. Peace
If I ever say anything about my past that is upsetting for you. Please forgive me. I am not posting my issues to harm you nor anyone else. I am only trying to help. I never want to hurt anyone ever. Love you. I hope my childhood memories do not hurt anyone. It is just healing for me. Never want to hurt anyone. I AM TOO KIND AND LOVING FOR THAT.
Hi is there any chance you would like to pm me? I promise I will try to help you out in any way.
I have updated the post if you would like to reread
You must forgive yourself....otherwise it will be very difficult for you to move forward.....None of us can say we haven't goofed up! Wrap your arms around yourself and hug...that's me hugging you!
ive had bad feelings of guilt all my life.i doubt most of the people I hurt have given it any space in there thoughts for years.please don't keep punishing yourself.here anytime.
I’m really sorry you feel like this. Just know that you are not alone, just keep talking to us on here and it will help to get your thoughts out. Forgive yourself, you’re human we make mistakes, your self worth is more important than anything so believe that you are worthy enough to feel better and be happy. Just say ‘I am worthy’ again and again as much as you feel like through the day. Believe the words. I hope this helps.
I have things in my past and I still carry the guilt with me to this very moment. I was raised Roman Catholic, educated in Catholic school from first grade til graduating. I turned 68 yrs old last September.I had Catholocism drilled into my brain. I had been away from church for over 40 yrs and my partner and I moved back to our hometown. One day after a therapy session I decided to go to confession thinking maybe that's what I need. To confess to the priest, as God's proxy. I examined my conscience and made an honest confession. I was absolved and said my penance. That didn't keep my brain and heart from still feeling the guilt I carry to this moment. I made amends to those I hurt, some have died, to the best of my abilities. Even writing pen to paper to all 3 of my children. 2 have accepted and forgiven me, but my oldest Son has not. So here I sit, thinking and begging God to allow my Son to forgive me for what I did. Hope this helps you. Peace
I believe mental help is the best thing you need as well as us here to help. A mental doctor will help sort out your thoughts and work through them. You can not undo the past but can make you accept yourself and love you. We grow as we learn. We are human and make mistakes. That is how we learn. Numbing yourself will only cause you more grief. We need to confront our pains to heal. My pains are from what others have done to me. I have to deal with the pain to heal. I forgive my dad for raping me. In my heart I forgave him. He is dead. He died in 2005 with a massive heart attack. That forgiveness is for me.
I know it hurts to do so but it's a healing and growth process. I think we must learn what we need to understand fully before moving on to our next lesson, which to me seems like a test of how well we learned the last. It's very empowering to be able to see and understand your growth because it's hard. You have announced all publicly and that the first step please let life take it course. I am speaking from experience of having suicide thoughts an anxiety on a daily basis, but I fight. I am determined to see MY story till its end. I rather stand than coward in defeat. Be well.
I do believe a daily journal is great for healing like others have said. I do it also. Putting thoughts in writing is more healing than not. I believe that you can heal the mind. I have. It takes time. It is possible. I heal mine each day. You do not need to share any of the painful things that you have done in the past. You know what you did. That is why a mental doctor can help you. Part of you is your conscience is working on you. That their shows that you are a normal human being. You have a conscience and know right from wrong. Allow the past to educate your future. Mental help is totally what you need to heal. I know it is rough. I was numb for 40 years during my Anorexic years. Dealing with emotions is all new to me. I am learning. Anorexics have no emotions. Now since my recent recovery, I am having all kinds of emotions. WOW! We all here do care. Please let us help we will not judge. Remember you do not need to share with us the things you did in the past that haunt you. You know them. We are a support group and not mental doctors. We only share our issues to help one another. Love you and you do have self-worth. It took me 56 years to find mine. That is one thing that is mine and no one can take it from me.
I have seen the updated post. I am proud of you for reaching the level of getting help. We all deserve to live and not carry a thousand pounds of guilt forever. The doctors can help you as well as us if you choose. We all here have issues. We are your friends, not your enemy. I love you and want you to be a strong fighter in the war of the mind. I could not have recovered from my 40 years of Anorexia if I had not been a great warrior. Make peace with yourself. It is possible. Your mind can heal just as mine has.
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