Severe Panic Disorder & Hypochondria (18 F)

[likachika]

i’m sorry, this is going to be long. thank you to anyone who took time out of their day to read this.

i don’t know how much more i can take. i’ve been having panic attacks since i was 8 years old; am now 18. i’ve also been a severe hypochondriac since the tender age of 3. i was compulsively washing my hands until they bled when i was 6. i had to drop out of high school sophomore year because i couldn’t control the illnesses.

recently i’ve been convinced there’s something wrong with my heart. last year i was put on a 30 day holter monitor, where someone was watching my ekg at all times. they found NOTHING wrong. i went to three different pulmonologists, convinced i couldn’t breathe but they all were surprised by how well my lungs functioned (i was a cross country runner and a swimmer). i probably go to the doctor realistically once every 3 months, where i get blood work done to check for anemia because i feel dizzy. on top of this, i buy expensive at home testers (pulse oximeters, blood glucose tests, peak flow meters). i even went as far as buying a new apple watch because they have an ekg monitor installed in them. whenever any of those are slightly off, i go into a horrific state of panic. for example, one time my SpO2 was at 92% because i had acrylics with dark nail polish. i freaked out so bad i rushed to my doctor. more recently, i did my ekg on my watch lying down, and it showed atrial fibrillation. i panicked for 3 hours, and redid the test 15 times— all came back normal. i ended up going to urgent care to have a real ekg, and was fine, of course.

the scariest part is the symptoms are so real. my heart beats up to 160 bpm, and my blood pressure rises to 150/90 (normal for me is 115/65). i actually feel like i can’t breathe, i have a lump in my throat and i’m convinced i’m going to die. sometimes it lasts for hours, even days (particularly on my menstrual cycle). it’s the worst feeling in the world. i can’t eat or sleep when i’m mid panic. i want to cry but crying makes me feel more breathless.

i have gone to three counselors, two psychiatrists, and one psychologist. i even attended group therapy, but was kicked out when i argued with the therapist because she was belittling one of the girls (i was not the only one who thought this). my psychiatrist told me he was running out of medications to give me. i must’ve tried 30 different kinds of pills. it left me feeling helpless.

i’ve completely stopped everything i used to love— running, hanging out with friends, going to school. i’ve enclosed myself in my house, and panic every time i leave. i also panic with exercise, as my heart beating fast and the feeling of not being able to breathe are so similar to those of an attack. i constantly think i have exercise intolerance, because i can’t breathe and my heart rate shoots up within minutes of cardio. i don’t know what to do anymore. i have panic attacks daily, and frequently think about ending my life. my once promising, bright future has turned into me secluding myself from the outside world. i was on the road to attending an ivy league school, but here i am, an agoraphobic with no future. i can’t do this anymore. i just want it to stop.

[RissaSue]

I experience these same symptoms and can confirm that yes it can be terrifying! But anxiety is such a tricky little monster. It can make you feel so terrible physically when in reality you are in tip top health. You just have to keep reminding yourself of that, that it’s ALL in your mind. It also comes and goes in waves. I’ve gone through phases where I didn’t leave my bed for weeks. Some days I was too scared to even get up to go to the restroom. It’s a miserable existence. But it’s just a phase. I always climb out of it eventually and you’ll do the same. Just keep pushing forward and taking baby steps until you’re an active member of society again lol Get mad at it. Anger is a better emotion than fear. That also helps me when I just get so annoyed by the anxiety that I get angry and just push through regardless of the consequences and it’s always worked out well for me. You’ll get through this! You only live once so don’t let anxiety ruin it for you!

[likachika in reply to RissaSue]

Thank you so much for your reply! I agree, panic does come and go in waves. Two weeks ago I was in a trade school (pharmacy tech) and about to enroll into full time college, when my panic attacks got bad again. Had to drop every single class, including the tech program. Now I’m struggling to even go out, let alone hang out with people. Have you found anything that helps reduce anxiety for you?

[RissaSue in reply to likachika]

Wine! Lol! I’ve been right where you are and had to quit a great job because I literally couldn’t even function it was so bad. I honestly would drink wine at night to calm my nerves and help me relax because most medication is too strong in my opinion. And during the day (when drinking is frowned upon lol) I would just keep my eyes on the prize and focus on the things that I really wanted to do that the anxiety was trying to keep me from doing and I would remind myself how silly I was being and that it was all in my head and not worth missing out on so much. I would also try to distract myself. The less you think about it the less it affects you. If you have a hobby that you can focus your attention on it helps. I like doing makeup so I would sit at my vanity and play with makeup and that helped keep my mind off of the anxiety. And then once I was all dolled up it would motivate me to try and leave the house because I couldn’t just waste a good makeup day! Lol You’ll get through this. It’s just a bump in the road. When you have one bad episode it’s like a chain reaction because all of the hormones that it produces in your body linger for a while causing the weird symptoms and triggering more attacks. You just need to try and stay relaxed until it all passes and you’ll be feeling a little more back to normal before you know it!

[RissaSue in reply to likachika]

And I just noticed that you’re not old enough for wine! Lol try chamomile tea Instead of lavender essential oils. Anything with relaxation factors

[likachika in reply to RissaSue]

Thank you for the advice(: I like doing makeup too! It is quite relaxing, kind of like drawing on your face, haha! I’ll definitely purchase some chamomile tea next time I’m at the drugstore. I also heard of GABA supplements and how they help people with panic disorder and anxiety. Definitely going to try that!

[Jeff1943]

No matter how long you have suffered you can recover.

But you can't cure yourself of an illness you don't have no matter how hard you try.

Instead of trying to heal yourself of the many illnesses you don't have, why not focus on healing yourself of the one illness you do have: anxiety disorder?

All the symptoms you have described are phantom illnesses. They don't show up in blood tests. They don't show up on x-rays and scans. And they're nowhere to be seen even with the most powerful microscope in the world. Why then be fearful of something that doesn't exist?

When we experience anxiety disorder our nervous system has become over sensitive. What caused this only you can say. If you can identify it and it's still troubling you deal with it ruthlessly. Maybe the original cause passed long ago and you are simply caught in a self-perpetuating cycle of symptoms causing fear causing more symptoms causing more fear causing more symptoms.

When we experience anxiety disorder everything seems ten times more serious than it is. A mild headache becomes a brain tumour. Chest pain caused by muscular tension becomes heart failure. And a tummy ache must be bowel cancer. The worst case scenario always wins!

When you overcome the illness you do have, anxiety disorder, all these fake illnesses will immediately resolve. But you must stop reacting instinctively to overcome your problem. Instinct is not a good ally in your campaign to regain your quiet mind.

For example, you must stop fighting your feelings of anxiety and that includes panic attacks. Fighting only causes tension and stress which only serves to keep your nervous system sensitised. Instead of fighting, do nothing when bad feelings, frightening thoughts and panic attack have you in their grip. Accept them all for the time being. Accept them all with less and less fear because you now know for certain all those phantom illnesses are fake. Fear is what has been fuelling your over sensitised nervous system: deny your anxiety that which it thrives on and it will resolve.

It may be your instinct to try to avoid panic attacks and suppress them. Do nothing of the sort. Pass through panic. You now know that panic can't kill, cripple or drive you crazy so fear no more even though it makes you feel uncomfortable. Instead of shunning your panic accept it for the moment instead.

Once you learn to live with anxiety you'll be able to live without it.

Btw the lump in the throat is a common symptom of anxiety, it even had a name: Globus Hystercus. I had it once. Like all anxiety symptoms the less you stress and obsess about it the sooner it will yield.

[RissaSue in reply to Jeff1943]

This was great insight. I had a bad episode recently and have a whole new slew of symptoms. Constant spots in my vision, ringing in my ears, and a tightness in my stomach that makes me feel lightheaded and numb and tingly like it’s cutting off my circulation. It’s very hard to ignore and try to relax, but I’m trying the best I can. It just takes time. I know one day I’ll look back and think “wow I can’t believe how dumb I was being back then. I’m glad that’s over.” Lol

[Jeff1943 in reply to RissaSue]

RissaSue, don't ignore the symptoms you describe, accept them (for the time being). Agree to coexist with them for the moment. That relieves you of the tremendous pressure of 'fighting' the symptoms, no more fighting, just accept every symptom. You see, you can't accept the symptoms and fear them. Acceptance overcomes fear. And fear is what has been driving your anxiety: without fear your mind calms and the natural healing process leading to recovery can begin.

This is if course the acceptance method for recovery as advocated by Claire Weekes as far back as the 1960s. I would say that no single psychiatrist has been responsible for more respite and recovery from anxiety and depression than the late Claire Weekes whose self help books continue to help so many towards recovery through understanding, reassurance and Acceptance.

[RissaSue in reply to Jeff1943]

This all makes sense. Thank you for the great advice and wish me luck!

[likachika in reply to RissaSue]

I have the constant spots in my eyes too! It is similar, for me, to television static in my eyes. It’s very uncomfortable and definitely makes anxiety worse, as it feels my vision is slighlty impaired.

[Jeff1943 in reply to likachika]

Do have your eyes examined for reassurance but I have had visual disturbances caused by anxiety for 40 years. They do not bother me as I know they are not organic in origin but are nerves on the blink due to stress.

[likachika in reply to Jeff1943]

Yes, I told my optometrist and they sent me to a neurologist. He preformed various expensive tests. I had a 24 hour portable EEG, and EEG that was done in office while I was forced to hyperventilate and have strobe lights in my eyes (which of course induced a panic attack), and an MRI. All came back clean. This was strange for me, as I was usually the one asking for tests, but I was nearly certain my brain was okay. After coming up all negative, he assumed it was migraine aura without the pain. However migraine aura is much more intense and impairs one eye for me, so I just linked it to anxiety.

[likachika in reply to Jeff1943]

Thank you for replying and for your advice! Allowing and sitting through panic is definitely difficult, but I will try it next time. I’ll try not to think so negatively as well, as the “what ifs” of anxiety make things so much worse. Logically, I need to know that what I’m experiencing is just stress, but the physical symptoms sweep away most logical thought. But I will definitely try, thank you

[Jeff1943 in reply to likachika]

Anxiety takes many forms but it is always just anxiety.

[likachika in reply to Jeff1943]

That’s true. As my dad always says “You haven’t died yet have you?”

[Jeff1943 in reply to likachika]

I too experience the migraine visual aura without the headache but I know them as scintillating scotomata, same thing. Nothing to do with the eyes themselves but the result of anxiety on the visual cortex at the back of the brain. Definitely stress related, no doubt about it, sometimes I get 2 in a week then nothing for a year.

I get other physical phenomena like black marks when I blink whilst looking at a white background like clouds or a white painted wall. They can last anything from a few hours to a few weeks. But I have to look for them. I have named this Sky Blinkers Syndrome. Yes, our eyes can be affected by benign symptoms just like the rest of our bodies.

[likachika in reply to Jeff1943]

That’s awful, I love the name though! Super cute:D.

I’m glad other people experience it, the symptoms really freaked me out, especially with how much the doctors urged me to get tests done. I now just live with it, but it’s definitely worse with anxiety. I have it all the time though, for some reason. Never goes away, just is worse during panic attacks.