Feel like I’m failing

[Byelka]

Lately I just can’t shake the feeling like I’m failing everywhere. I don’t know where to go from here. Last year I finished school to try something new, while I’m trying it out part time I’m still at my old job. The new job doesn’t feel like I thought it would and I’m not doing as well as I’d hoped, my performance at my old job has suffered. I took a step back in my role there and feeling guilty about it. I’ve been way less active, and gained some weight. I’m feeling really overwhelmed. Me and my husband are good but I feel like I’m not doing enough their either.

I forgot my husbands birthday yesterday. I stayed home from work today because I just felt so tired this morning from not sleeping. Come to find out our office is having a surprise audit by the state (they do It randomly every couple years). They will be auditing what we’ve done this past year which is a lot of my responsibility and I’m in panic mode. I feel like I let everyone down this past year. I haven’t gone to therapy in a while because my therapist doesn’t take my insurance. I’ve been struggling to find a new one. Everyone I look up I can’t help but criticize their online picture, web site, their name, anything. None of them feel like a good fit.

I just feel lost. I was hoping this new job would give me a body but it hasn’t. Idk what to do.

[Humankind-BE_BOTH]

But you're self-aware enough to know that you need help and you are searching for solutions in addition to reaching out to the community!

I would say you're doing what you can with what you have where You Are! Don't be so hard on yourself!

[Hidden]

Byelka, I'm sorry life has been so hard this year. It sounds like you came here to the forum primarily for anxiety, but depression is raising it's ugly head. Depression tells us over and over and over that we are failing, first in one place, then another, until it beats us down to where we are sure that we are failing everyone. It's what this disease does. What it says is NOT true.

Memory issues are common with depression, too. Your mind is working so hard at telling you that you are a failure that there isn't room for other thoughts. What to do? Be compassionate with yourself. Give yourself some grace. Taking yesterday off was a great thing to do for yourself. Remind yourself of all you HAVE accomplished. Just from your post:

You finished school! You are planning for your future. You must be smart and very good with numbers if this audit is primarily your responsibility. You are working two jobs. You've learned that your second job isn't something you really like to do, but your are planning for your future. You have real skills that can be put to better use. That all sounds pretty amazing to me.