Sorting my thoughts...

[Entity]

Today was rough. 😓 If anyone reads this and has some motivation to give me, please do.

The day before today led me to wake up feeling upset... I had ‘relapsed’ yesterday. I’m getting really frustrated at myself for doing so. I have a plan to follow for when I’m going to relapse and I haven’t used it. I really need to. I will. I just have to remember to think about it when I actually need it. Anyways, I tried to tell myself I can make today a good day. Which, I can. But I didn’t try hard enough.. I suppose if built up because I didn’t address my negative feelings. Classes today were exhausting and stressful. I’ve been very emotional today. Exams are coming up and my slacking off has caught up to me. I plan on spending a few more hours tonight to catch up some more. I’m struggling to motivate myself. I’ve finished my notes for the chapter... now I need to finish the formative assessment. I should also be studying while I complete the work... I also need to work on other chapter notes. Yknow, now that I’m typing this out it isn’t so bad. Sure it’s out of my comfort zone, but I can do it. Well, ah... I just remembered I have three packets to do... well, I have time. I have two days to finish two of em. The larger of the two is due next week Monday I believe? I’ll be fine... I’ll just work on it a little each day. Damn how lazy I’ve become. I can’t blame it all on depression. Something I heard on a YouTube video earlier was that we must train our brains like we work out our muscles. I thought that was inspiring, eye-opening. Goodness gracious math class is being one pain in he ass. I like math. But lately I haven’t understood it. At all. And I’ve almost given up on trying to keep up in class. I’m going to try and teach myself at home. Perhaps I could do tutoring. I’m tired. Negative feelings have clouded my better judgement today. I nearly cried a few times, a little stressed. A lot stressed. I’m bad at managing stress. How do I manage stress? Meditation... writing this... relaxing... music... not food. Food doesn’t help. Speaking to people has been awful difficult. Anxious today today. I guess it goes hand in hand with my depressed mood. I didn’t eat for most of today. I keep wanting to just not eat at all. Reasoning for that is because food makes me feel uncomfortable, gross, guilty because of my relationship with it and how I’ve eaten in the past and now. I feel good when I don’t eat, but I also can’t help but eat sometimes. I’m making this sound like I don’t ever eat, which is the opposite. I eat too much most of the time. For example, a bag of chocolate. Or a big bowel of pasta and a sandwich and two bananas and an apple all at the same time (that was today). But I do that on days where I don’t skip meals as well. I eat until it hurts or I feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to, but it’s kind of like an addiction.. an addictive behavior. Ah, I’m just going to end this here. I need to get to my studying before I get too tired. It’s only 8pm. Oooh boy, wish me luck.

If you happened to read my frenzy of thoughts... thanks.

[Entity]

actually.. I need to add to this. it’s not just those things I mentioned that are stressing and upsetting me. my relationship with the people at home isn’t great. The relationship with people at school isn’t great. My relationship with myself and my body isn’t great. I feel tired nearly all of the time. I thought my depressive episodes were gone. Hah. Nope. But they are less. I keep saying to myself wouldn’t it be nice to be dead? I don’t mean it ofcourse. I know that I have a good life and my depressive feelings are making it seem like less. My homework that I mentioned, that was just one class. I have much more. Going to school is a struggle. Getting out of bed... a struggle.. okay. I’m done. Now, off to homework

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to Entity]

i understand you so well

[Sister33]

Remember to not worry about the future and don't dwell in the past. Here and now is what you have control over. Here and now you can be grateful to be alive and getting another chance. You are doing well, don't forget to celebrate the small wins. "relapse" is a learning experience. Find out what triggered. Find ways to prepare for those triggers. You got this. One step at a time. My support is with you. **Hugs**

[Entity in reply to Sister33]

thanks, Love

[Hidden]

I truly enjoyed reading your posts. It was amazing to see you talk yourself away from the edge. Good job, Entity! And good luck on your exams!