Hindsight is 20/20, right?
At the moment, I’m laying in bed with a stuffed elephant in my arms. I’m cuddling a stuffed animal at 21 years old. It might sound ridiculous, but 7 year old me was not holding any toys. Something as seemingly innocent as a stuffed elephant really shows [to me] how far I’ve come emotionally considering the fact that I was sleeping with a dart gun under my pillow back then.
Between the sexual abuse I endured, the not entirely safe neighborhood we lived in, my resentment/lack of trust I had in my parents. I developed this paranoia. I found a dart gun in our basement and stuffed it under my pillow. I would hang onto it all night. It was best sleep I remember having. But, my dad found it one day and took it away. My parents claimed they threw it away, but I doubt it. We never talked about it again, though. We probably should have tried to seek help for my mental state, but my parents aren’t exactly models for good parenting.
Now our lives are separate, I’m away from the abuse, and I’m VERY VERY slowly straightening out my mental health. No promises, but life might turn out pretty good.
As a kid, I slept with a dart gun. As an adult, I’m sleeping with a stuffed elephant. Life’s crazy sometimes.