I cannot stand when people assume things are just laziness.
Sometimes it isn’t just “being lazy.”
It’s laying in my bed crying and trying to catch my own breath. It’s trying to convince my minds thoughts and anxiety that the world isn’t crumbling all around me even though it feels like it is. It’s telling myself I have to stay strong because no one can save me but me and I know it’s the only stern thing I can say because I know how much I’m struggling to keep fighting. It’s not getting up for a cigarette, to turn on the heater, or to even turn off the light. Once I’m in these covers it’s like I’m in a game of twister and I’m on the losing end. It’s not doing my laundry for three weeks until I have two outfits left in my closet and when I finally find the strength to clean my room and do that laundry ... I can’t find it in me to put it all back up again. Sometimes it feels so pointless when my mind is such a mess.. why not just leave my room as my mind is.. a disaster. I don’t do art .. or listen to music and sing every song that plays .. I don’t dance anymore ... I’m just the shell of a person living like a clock just passing time. I am fighting so hard ... but I’m losing.