Christmas has never been an easy time for me. I've lost several family members right around the holiday, including an aunt the day after my birthday and my father 2 days before Christmas. I am now living several hours from the scant family that are still alive, but I was never truly close to them anyway. Add on my decade of retail work and I start dreading this month well before anyone else even thinks of Christmas.
The last 4 months, I've had what feels like severe mood swings and changes to how I respond to stressful situations. This time last year, I wouldn't dream of leaving my job. Now, I've quit 2 this year alone. Most days I just want to be left alone.
I've been trying to be my old self. I sat down on Christmas eve and sent out holiday greetings to people I haven't spoken to in years, members of family, to people I truly care about. It felt great, I was up beat, I greeted my girlfriend with a genuine hug and a merry Christmas, I thought maybe I can have a decent Christmas for a change.
I agreed to go with her to her family's for Christmas despite disliking being there. That's what you do when you care for someone, you take care of them. I sat in silence for 6 hours, letting everyone enjoy themselves and hoping this was what she needed from me.
I was looking at my phone when her father read aloud from my screen to the whole room. I froze, shut off my phone (which got a laugh) and physically turned away from everyone and started at a wall until my girlfriend said it was time to go home.
Maybe next year.
I am a shitty person 
Anxiety and depression
Beyond Depressed
New here. Generalized Anxiety Disorder, when loved ones aren't supportive.
“Just because one person's problem is less traumatic than another's doesn't mean they're required to hurt less” ― J.A. Redmerski
