Hello:
During this time last year, I remember checking this site on a daily basis just to make it seem like someone is rooting for me at the end of the tunnel, or to get myself through the day. I have stared death in the eyes. I have suffered from anxiety and depression. I know how terrible the holidays can feel when you are hurting and socially difficult family members are exacerbating your plight. I know how it feels to have access to no professional help during the holidays, only to be scheduled a month after clinics are back in session. I have been in a mental hospital. I have seen other people's struggles. However, I want everyone to know that there is hope for peace of mind.
Here is my story: I was as fresh as any college freshman could be. I was ready to pursue my studies; I was recognized as a freshman who had an edge above the other freshman, even some of the upperclassmen. Furthermore, I was ready to try to get it on with the women at my college. After talking to a few, I found someone who put a twinkle in my eyes. She very willingly spent time with me, we had so much in common, and our conversations seemed to flow so smoothly. I eventually got the nerve to confess to her my feelings, but she did not feel the same way. I was shocked because, up until that point in my life, no one other than my family wanted to be so involved in my life. However, I was mature, and I adapted as I should.
At the start of my sophomore year, we spent some more time together. Feelings did not redevelop until four weeks into the semester. At this point in my studies, I was very overwhelmed. Also during this time, I had resentment going on in my mind about my family and wishing that things were different for me. This girl is christian, and I remember going to church when I was a child (not anymore), so I thought "why not try out her religion." So throughout the whole semester, we talked about existentialism and what not, and although the conversations were friendly at one point, there was a point, when it got a bit combative, particularly a few days after I found out how she says she became Christian through being a "filthy sinner." What she told me practically shook me, particularly because I thought that she seemed so innocent and modest that she would not do what she told me she did.
So, as mentioned before, we got a bit defensive in arguing about belief systems. In the end, though, I adopted Christianity. I wanted to not only feel like I am siding with my best friend and, not so willing to admit at the time, crush. I wanted to know what it would be like to not "sin," to not have desires, to not have hatred, etc. Quite frankly, this worked for me. I forgave the people in my past who hurt me, and I felt like my life was going to good. However, when I went home for Thanksgiving break, I started to overthink Christianity, the bible, and, of course, the reason for being. This is when I started to have suicidal thoughts. I felt like I should not live in this world if I were to question it. When I went back to school after Thanksgiving, the anxiety worsened. However, it temporarily got better, and I got through the end of the semester, and I went back home. However, the anxiety came back the next day.
I felt incapable of doing anything, even though I was able to do what I usually do a few days ago. Things only got worse, with existential thoughts and suicidal tendencies coming back. I remember talking to a friend for an hour-and-a-half just to try to calm myself down. It did not work. At all. I talked to all of my immediate family members, and that did not work either. Along with developing sensory-motor obsessions, I thought that there was no hope for me; I thought that it would be a matter of days before I became completely insane. I felt like a dead man walking in the couple days approaching Christmas and afterwards. Two days after Christmas, I was sent to a mental hospital because I told a therapist of my suicidal thoughts. I then went to group counseling sessions three times a week. It helped a bit, but some symptoms still persisted. I then went to a therapist who was talking to me like I was someone who was not doing anything with my life, and I got mad because I remember waking up at 9 AM and going to bed at 1 AM every day at college during that semester working my tail off. Eventually, I found someone who knew what exactly what I was dealing with. He referred me to a psychiatrist who seemed to be open to my symptoms. After meeting with my psychiatrist, I got some diagnoses, and I was referred to a psychologist to work out my OCD and depression symptoms. I still see my therapist biweekly, and I take medication on a moderate dose. However, my life has since drastically improved, and I am thankful for not giving up on myself when I felt like I was in hell.
I have learned a lot in 2018, so I will list some lessons as they come to mind: It is okay to be uncertain with how life works and what not. I am still spiritually working myself out, and that is okay as well. Allow other people to have their own belief systems, and allow yourself to have yours. No thought is forbidden to think. Once you help yourself just a little bit, other people can start helping you. It may be helpful to keep a journal and write down your thoughts as if you were your own therapist. You don't have to actively search out romantic partners to increase your chances. Go out in nature. Exercise and eat healthy foods. You don't need a romantic partner to feel complete. It is okay to feel whatever it is that you feel. Be honest with yourself, no matter how painful that may be. Talk to people; it is okay to ask for help. It is okay to have desires; that's what makes life exciting (though it is your responsibility to know how much is too much).
The list goes on, but if there is one lesson that I have learned, it is that everyone is worthy of each one's life and love. I know the path to peace may be light years long, but all you have to conquer is today. Today. There is, as said several times in the musical RENT, "No Day but Today." I personally recommend listening to the Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack. I was able to relate to the instant I listened to the first song.
That is all I have for you tonight. I am willing to talk to anyone in the next few days, so I will check this site a few times a day. Otherwise, take care.
I know you can do this.
Side note: I am not trying to void Christianity, and neither do I think Christianity is a "bad" religion. These have just been my experiences with trying to practice it. I also cut out some stuff just to get to the point about my post, so this is jot 100% my story.
Living a Nightmare
Update/checking in
Checkpoint
Looking for people who can relate.
I'm new here and feeling alone
