Looking for happiness

[Aj3333]

Hi everyone, I’m a 21 year old woman who has been battling depression since I was a teen. Now that I have gotten older it still is there and it’s starting to affect my relationship with my mom. I’ve noticed a change in myself in the past few months. I feel like my mom and dad don’t love me and are ashamed of me. Not sure what the next steps should be...

[Humankind-BE_BOTH]

We've all experienced similar circumstances.

Have you talked about the way you're feeling with them?

Have you given them a reason to think that or feel that way?

Do you have a counselor or therapist or is medication a possibility?

[Aj3333 in reply to Humankind-BE_BOTH]

I’ve talked with my mom. She brings up how she has been a good mom to me and has financially always been there. But I’ve felt this way since I was a teen. Me and my dad rarely speak and I haven’t seen him in 6 years. ( he just sends me money and ask how I’m doing every now and then). Since I’ve delt with depression I think my mom looks at me differently but she says she loves me and I have yet to speak with a counselor.

[Humankind-BE_BOTH in reply to Aj3333]

Pro help is essential and I found out the hard way you can't go it alone. You need to worry about you and hope that mom and others will follow where you lead. You will need support on this very unique journey.

[Aj3333 in reply to Humankind-BE_BOTH]

Thank you so much. This is really helping being able to put my feelings out there

[Oneseedatatime]

Aj3333, I am a mother of a 19 year old daughter who is about to be 20 next month and she too has battled MH issues for years now. I do not know what your exact situation is but I will share my experience as a mother in hopes that my challenges may give you some perspective or understanding of the other side of the coin.

It has caused quite a rift in our lives. Years ago I took her to see a therapist, she did not want to go, but went because she was a minor. She did not engage much and after about 3 sessions refused to go back. She would spend time in isolation in her room, would get angry if I did not do everything she wanted (still does), believes/stated and states that I have never done anything for her, told me/tells me that she hates me, never wants to see me again, and much more. I have done everything in my power to help her. She even moved out earlier this year and put herself through horrible living situations and domestic violence with a boyfriend until it got so bad she looked for me to help her. I of course helped her get out of that situation, took her back in now, and while she sought therapy while she was out of my home twice, she does not follow through maintaining services so her mH issues have only become worse. As a mother it hurts deeply to watch this, to endure its consequences because we do, and not have the ability to change it for our child. In fact, as you brought to light, it is even worse to know that a child thinks that their parent does not love them because we do. See, you cannot understand this yet because you are not a parent but by your statement, " I feel like my mom and dad don't love me", I gather that it is your self talk and yes real rift that is a byproduct of the circumstances leading you to that feeling. Sweetheart, feelings are ever changing, fickle, and betray us. You are obviously a young woman with the insight to know that you should seek support which is why you have come to this site and for that I will say that I am proud of you and hope you are too! Keep that motivation going. Seek therapy, be vulnerable/open/honest, and fully engage as often as you go. Depression is not who you are, it is just something happening to you, and you have the power to control it and not let it control you! Don't let something that is happening to you breakdown your relationship with your parents. Please know that as a parent myself, age 41 with 2 daughters about to be 20 and 22, who "grew up" raising them, no parent is perfect. We try, we love, we fail, and we keep trying. Please do the same. If you need resources for counseling please let me know. You will be in my prayers along with my daughter.

[Jae5 in reply to Oneseedatatime]

I too have a 19 yo daughter who lives with me and has some mh issues that she will not seek therapy or meds for. I live on egg shells in my own home. Its affecting other relationships in my life. My guilt for the past keeps me indulging her. I do find this forum very helpful and hope you do too.

[Oneseedatatime in reply to Jae5]

Ahh yes! I know those shells very well in my own home. Most certainly it affects almost every aspect of your life as her mother because we love and care! You hit in on the head...guilt. That is Satan's trap which I fell for but God was and is so good that He opened my eyes to the lies I was believing and I put an end to my responses out of guilt. I analyzed what I was doing and it was wrong! God is my judge, my redeemer, not my daughter or anyone else. I was doing more harm than good. I have remained in prayer, with God's help I have done very well in standing true to my parenting regardless of the outcome you see because we cannot control the outcome even though we would like to and think that we can but we CANNOT. Every human being including our beloved children have choices that they will make, our job is to love, support, assist, offer, forgive, and parent no matter what. God will take care of the rest.

[Aj3333 in reply to Oneseedatatime]

Thank you for the kind words. I do love my mom and she is the only person in my family who knows that i am battling depression. It’s been an on and off thing since I was in junior high. She says when I was younger I use to be so happy. My mom is a calm person but when I get upset it seems to make her not herself. I don’t want to lose my mom. Sometimes I feel that she will not want to be around me and not love me anymore .

[Oneseedatatime in reply to Aj3333]

Oh Aj3333, I understand. Funny, it feels like you are writing about me! My daughter's behavior has improved somewhat over the last 3 weeks (I consider it an answer to my prayers because she has not resumed counseling nor does she communicate with me about her issues). However today, for a brief moment she had an episode and I internally lose my calm and in fact I prayed that she would just become independent so that she does not drag me into her negativity anymore. I cried, I asked God to continue to give me patience while He works in her. I love her with all my heart and certainly not because of her behavior but in spite of. That does not mean that I am always happy with her or want to be around her. Would you? I pray for her continually, I am gentle with her for the most part but she does need to accept support in order to cope and seek positive change as you too. Your Mom loves you, don't confuse frustration (she is human ) with her love for you! Talk to her, open up to her, tell her when you are feeling depressed, and seek her support in finding ways to cope and manage.