This is my first post (and will definitely not be my last) to this group. I won’t go in to deep right now but I suffer from childhood trauma that developed into anxiety and depression into my teenage years, and got worse when I lost my mother to an accidental overdose my senior year of high school. I’ve been good about handling both my depression when I can feel it closing in around me and I start not feeling like myself, and also my anxiety when I do finally have the energy to get out of bed to function. Lately not so much, I feel like there is this hole in me I can’t close and this anxiety... it feels like I’m drowning and the only way to not drown is to let it out. I’m typically not a cryer and I’ve been a faucet lately. I feel broken even though I know I not, but I still worry that I am. Even with all of this I find myself putting on a act for friends and family. I’m the girl who smiles and will be there for anyone else but often I feel utterly alone.
The Girl Who Smiles: This is my first... - Anxiety and Depre...
The Girl Who Smiles
Welcome to HU.
I wish you hope, peace, and understanding.
You matter.
Thank you, I am for each every day, even if I fall short.
I am going through something simular. It is very difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to anxiety/depression. It is also more difficult knowing we have the power to change how we feel, yet not being able to as fast as we want. Every day you are closer to getting better. I know this is little comfort, but it is what gets me through the tough times, and hope it may help you. Try falling to sleep to Michael Seallys sleep anxiety hypnosis at night. It really does relax and is free on YouTube. Good luck in your journey, you WILL succeed.
"It is also more difficult knowing we have the power to change how we feel". I wish that were true for me. I lack confidence, don't feel I have anything to talk about and therefore have social anxiety. Consequently don't have any "real friends" and I don't even know what to say to my family. I wish I could get back the cocky, cheeky chappie that used to bounce around in his 20s before the Depression/Anxiety set in...;
I am sorry, I did not mean to sound as if we are full of confidence. I believe all who have anxiety issues lack confidence, definitely myself included! Remember, you are not alone. I wish you the best in your journey as well!
That's no problem. I just lack confidence as my wife finished with me in March after 9 years. I treated here like shit verbally so it's no wonder. It's hard being alone again, I realise that I told a lot of lies to make my past sound interesting when in fact it's always been a bit dull, I just wish I had friends to go out with now to comedy clubs, I went to one a few weeks ago by myself and felt really conscious that I was the only 1 man band there, paranoid that everyone was looking at me as if to say who's that sad loser...No one talked to me and I didn't talk to anyone else as they were mainly couples or groups of workmates I guess, just reinforced my loneliness, but at the same time I did have a giggle. No one was talking when the acts were on...
I am sorry to hear that. It is so hard going through the bad times with no support system. I tend to shut what little people I have out when I am like this. It is fear of rejection and being told " just get over it". I am really glad that this site exists and I joined today. It is really good to talk to people with simular struggles. Thank you all!
Not sure where you live, but I'm in Cornwall, moved here with the ex-wife and kids and always worked from home. My wife did always tell me to get out and make some friends or join some clubs. I never listened to here as she and the kids were my social support network. Now they're gone I've never felt so alone.
All my old school mates are back in Essex. They check in by phone occasionally saying stuff like just checking to see whether you've killed yourself or anyone else yet? I know it's they're way of making light of the situation but still....I wish I was there to have a beer and a laugh/game of pool and beer with them in person. Phone calls are great but nothing like human face to face contact...
I know what you mean, I’m Houston. I used to be in Delaware myself. I’m sorry you are alone, I’m afraid my husband will leave me sometimes when I feel like this. I hope me won’t, and I’m the back of my mind I know I shouldn’t worry about that. Just another thing your brain wants your to worry about. And I totally get that, people staring and judging thing. Sometimes I can manage to get myself to go out alone, because I don’t like being home all day when I’m off. It makes the feelings of anxiety and isolation worse. But when I do go out I’m super self aware and aware of people around me who are looking at me. It’s like I can feel them looking at me and it makes my skin crawl.
Yes, it is very scary. I always have to remind myself," those people don't give a shit" or " I shouldn't give a shot what they think lol. Excuse the language please.
It’s okay, I don’t mind. I may not curse a lot but it has value in conversation haha. One of the hardest things to remind myself is not to give a flying “f” what other people think of me, but we are so conditioned to be people pleasers. Just some of our brains hyper focus on the wrong stuff...
Ah, I lived in Cornwall for a bit a few years ago. I'm back in the state's now though. Again little comfort, you will find friends. What is meant for you will not pass you by.
My friend group is limited as well, honestly I would say I have two friends. One is across the country and the other is my husband. My husband has his own struggles and he tries to understand what I feel. And honestly, what helps a lot to is a pet. My cat, Ava, helps me get through rough patches at home when I am alone. I have no family here, they are across the country as well.
Do you have any pets?
I have a dog, though I don't know how to look after him, the depression makes me want to rehome him asap incase I don't wake up tomorrow...
That is a scary thought, but I don’t want you to think that either. You will wake up tomorrow, it has promise I promise you.
Have you considered a dog feeder that you can load with food to help you on especially hard days? I know them make them for water too
I know it’s hard taking care of a pet when you get depressed. Honestly Ava has been the only reason I got out of bed sometimes. My husband travels a lot for work so I’m home weeks at a time alone in a state where I moved in a year ago. I was working so much I didn’t really make friends here yet. I hope to try soon.
It’s hard making friends when your older. When we are kids we can walk up to anothe kid and just ask,”Can we be friends?”. Should still be that simple but it isn’t.
I once thought about setting up a mating/dating site which I was gonna call mateoradate.com! I put a post out on my local community Facebook page saying I was driving to the comedy club and has space free for 3 people to join me for a free taxi ride there and back. No one got back to me. I half considered not going alone, but glad I did. I wish I had a proper job and didn't work for myself....
Have you considered doing ride share apps? You can drive for Uber, Postmates, and tons of companies on your own time but kind of force yourself to have social interactions. I make myself anxious sometimes doing Uber Eats but it’s forces me to go out to explore/meet new people. They may not be friends, but it helps My antisocial self keep my communication skills sharp. I’ve found some cool places because of it too
I started using Meetup.com a while back so I had somwhere to go out and play board games with a bunch of other people i the group. Was good fun, but I find it weird as they are not my "friends" and know nothing about me. I guess it's stretching your comfort zone to avoid isolation....I just find it odd going out and coming home to no-one..
True at the essence of it all humans crave interactions. The desire to have another person desire you and your company. To share life with and communicate. Without connections with other people it’s hard to truly experience life in all that it has to offer. It may not happen today or tomorrow but someone will come into your life that you can share it with on a more personal level. And for all the people who are no longer in your life, I believe there is a reason for it.
Yes, sadly there is. My mental health worker told me that humans are social beings and weren't designed to live in isolation or caves as I do. It freaks me out to think I could have a heart attack in my home and no-one would know. I just don't feel settled anywhere or comfortable in my own company. There's some dark shit in my head and It feels like I'm serving a life sentence...
I get what you mean about that dark stuff and serving a life sentence. We are in our own thoughts all day, day after day, so it can feel that way. One way I do try to help myself is trying to insert positive things when I can. Telling myself I did enough today, that I should be easier on myself, that I’m not the only person who feels this way. That’s why I wanted to join this group. To hopefully connect with people like you. I hope you post every day so I don’t have to worry about you having a heart attack now. Does heart disease run in your family?
no. my dad has high blood pressure, but I know that isolation can increase heart issues. I'm going to see my doc on wednesday and let them know I have been getting irregular heart rhytms. Not sure if it's me being more conscious of my breathing, wish I could shut my brain off from having weird thoughts and be able to actually focus and concentrate on a movie, just really miss even the small talk with someone like saying hey what film shall we watch or ive got some popcorn in etc. It's the silence that is killing me, just wish my dog could talk:)_
I talk to my cat, she meows back sometimes. I can count that as talking right >.< but I get what you mean, I’ve been more aware too. I know my irregular rhythms are in my head though, because when I think my heart is racing I will look at my Fitbit that tracks my heartbeat and it’s in a safe range. I’m glad your going to doctor for your though if it’s making you worry.
I completely understand, and I know I should be easier on myself and more patient. But that’s that lovely anxiety telling me I need to be better faster, I should be better faster, why am I not better faster... I will definitely give that a listen. I’ve been depending too much on zzzquil to fall asleep because I have a hard time shutting my thoughts off at night. I know I’ve had success in the past with Native American Flute tracks (grew up going to PowWows before my moms mental and physical health declined).
Absolutely, is a vicious cycle with anxiety. Honestly I find myself going round in circles in my head, and have to tell myself to stfu lol. It is so difficult.
Music is an excellent coping mechanism.
I agree, I usually listen to more music than I have been. Another clue I’ve been out of my normal behaviors. Sometimes car rides help too, but not all the time. People here drive crazier than I’m used to.
I agree with the vicious cycle too. I do sometimes catch myself, and think,”Really now, you know better than that.”
Lol, same here with the drivers. I'm going to try and force myself outside tomorrow for a quick walk. And slowly build up from there. I am just so bored and tired of being afraid.
That's funny. do you take the car out without actually having anywhere to go? Or do you just drive around. I used to do that when my kids were babies to get em off to sleep. Worked and then they woke up as soon as I got home
Sometimes I have a destination in mind and sometimes I just drive. It’s helps me get to know my new city. That’s when I typically will put on a playlist I made and try to cheer myself up. At my peek I will sing in the car and carry on cheerfully, but that hasn’t been happening. Most I’ve been mustering is finger taps and maybe the occasional hand wave to the flow of music.
I can put on the radio and then a song wil come on that reminds me of my ex. Also used to sing along with the kid in the car to frozen etc, but now no kids so no singing 
Stay away from the radio, I would try to make my own CD or playlist so you don’t have any of those emotional triggers. And honestly I should probably go through a lot of my stuff from my past that I have packed away to do almost a purging of items with emotional baggage.
Yeah, have been clearing out my garage (moving house this week) It's weird as I'm just chucking loads of stuff down the dump or charity shop, the in my f*ked up mind, it's like I'm clearing out the stuff and giving things away to stop my family having to do it if I did die. I'm just to caught up overthinking and questioning what the fk I'm doing. Let's just say i've become acutely aware of my own mortality and that you take nothing to the grave...
I'm considering getting a will stating that I wish to be cremated and ashes scattered at sea so kids could visit me and talk to me at the coast...it's proper morbid sht.
That’s not morbid haha, I already know I want to be cremated and planted with a rose bush. Gives you a goal, even if a slightly morbid one in your mind
A caterpillar must undergo a complete transformation before it turns into a butterfly. And not just transformation, but literally destruction of what it was so that it’s body can go through the necessary exchanges of energy to transform into that butterfly. You are that caterpillar right now, not really sure what your going to turn into. Uncertainty for tomorrow and the future. Take it one day at a time and be easy on yourself. Your going through a lot of changes. And yeah we are mortal, but we can be mortal with meaningful and happy lives too. Even if we have to fight hard for that happiness 
youtu.be/hvOgpzRJxJg here is a link to the hypnosis.
What's zzzquil? Is that a prescription med? I have metazapine 40mg?
ZQuil is an over the counter sleep-aid. Basically liquid benadryl.
Thanks. May give that a go and drop my metazapine (black box warning). Just found it, vicks.com/en-us/safety-and-...
It’s says you shouldn’t take more than two weeks and for occasional drowsiness, but I’ve definitely been taking it for longer 😅
I use it when melatonin doesn't help.
My son is a pharmacist and suggested alternating at least evety 2 weeks to avoid building up a tolerance.
As the other user suggested, the meditation vids (I just pull them off youtube) do help.
I take it you use the liquid (acohol version) and not the tabs? Does it work well then? May have to give it a go...can't do any more harm than healthline.com/health/mirta...
I take the two tabs every night with a bottle of water. And yeah... super great when doctors prescribe medicine for depression with a side effect like “suicidal thoughts”. As if I wasn’t already depressed enough, I’m over hear thinking about ways to end it all now... thanks. Heavy heavy sarcasm at “and yeah...”
It’s just over the counter, but I don’t even like depending on that. I have a strong aversion to medication, my mom developed a dependency on pain killers due to a deteriorating spine. She sought more pain killers illegally and that ending up causing her heart to fail. Didn’t help she took about ten other prescriptions for her own struggles with mental illness.
Have you tried passion flower, or velarian root?
Honestly no, I’ve tried some things like ashwagandha root (helps my general anxiety). What do you suggest more?
To be honest I would suggest the passion flower during the day, it can still make you a bit groggy. I would take Valerien root at night. Infact, if you are not allergic to any plants in the daisy family you may want to try sleepytime extra tea. Usually can find it at walmart. It has chamomile, lemongrass, and Valerien root. As for my experience, it works really well. Sorry for the late reply!
Hi BePeace,
Thank you for sharing. I just want to encourage you that there is Hope that someday soon your smile will be genuine through & through. I know because I’ve made it there & so know you can too & by the power of my words I irreversibly cancel anything that pushes people into that dark place to make you or anyone else think they cannot!
The other day I was with a customer & I was singing a Christmas song. He said to me, “You’re so joyful! What’s happening that you’re that way?”
I was at a loss for words but eventually shared that it was the joy I had on the inside of me. Why did I respond that way? Because, as we all do periodically no matter who we are, I myself am going through a bit of a hardship. So, I hadn’t much good to say about what was happening around me. But, due to some things I’ve learned to depend on since my deep dark days of depression, I have a joy in my heart that doesn’t get shaken by what’s happening around me. This doesn’t mean I don’t get sad or frustrated at times but it means I no longer allow it to take me deep down & keep me there.
I share this story not to brag but simply to give you & others who read it Hope that it is possible. It is available. It is findable, if you seek.😉
It’s funny, not too long ago at work I had a fellow employee tell me,”(My name), I just don’t know how you do it. You come in here every day smiling, it’s light your the sun. You just light up the center and are so chipper.” I started to try to argue and tell him I have my bad days, and he stopped me and said,”I know, I know, but you still shine bright.” I want to get back to that, it’s really only been really bad for a few weeks. I try to fake it some days, and some days I feel better for awhile, but then I don’t know why the black hole just opens back up and consumes the little bit of light I start to reignite. It feels like this tug of war with myself emotionally. I’ve already started reading some of your posts and I follow you. Your messages are beautiful and I think you are wonderful for sharing your strength. Thank you <3 I will keep on trying to smile until it’s real again.
Thank you for your kind comments. And, I truly hope you find what your heart is seeking.
Yes, I get what you’re saying. And, what I forgot to mention is that joy can be genuine where it’s not only there when others are around. But also when you’re alone. As it is with me when I sing Christmas songs with the same joy alone.
I don’t know the details of your battle , but know though there is a war between light & dark, the darkness can never overcome the Light. So, what I want to ask you for own reflection (you don’t have to answer them here) is:
~~ Where is your Source of Light?
~~ What comes to mind when hearing: in darkness resides lies & in Light lives Truth?
~~ What Armor do you wear/carry to fight these battles?
Because where there is Truth about who you are, what you’re here to do, & what really matters, tools are provided to put & keep you lifted on the right Way, towards a joyful Life.
my darkness is in the realisation that I have lied alot in my life. I was also the victim of a substantial fraud which I stupidly got drawn into so I've even lost trust in myself. If you can't trust yourself, who else will trust you. I know my father has said that..."he can't be trusted"
I’m sorry he said that, I can emphasize with you on a parent negatively reinforcing ideas about yourself. It’s hard to break free of those chains but possible, I’m still trying myself. And trust me I don’t always trust myself, but the thing is I know that I’m not perfect. I wish I was and I hate that I’m not, but I know at the end of the day I’m not. To think otherwise would be delusional. I just accept the fact I make mistakes and so does everyone else. It doesn’t make me less than, it doesn’t make me less trustable. Same goes for you.
Hi hambo5,
I’m glad you brought this up. So, I will clarify, and in my trying to read most of the replies to this post, I happened to read another one of yours above which I will address something you mentioned in a bit.
When I said that within darkness resides lies, originally in that context I was referring to what gets us down into the pits of darkness. Usually, they are lies about ourselves that we’ve developed or that has been spoken into us by others. And, until we understand, embrace, and live the truth about who we really are, we often believe those lies. Now...
You mentioned that you have lied a lot in your life, which somewhat shifts what I said into another context. One that implies that there’s a darkness within you that causes you to lie. Now here me out before you get upset with what I’m about to say, which is: that is true. But why?
Most people lie out of fear; fear caused by the lies we believe about ourselves. And, here’s where one of your replies above gave a perfect example:
“I realise that I told a lot of lies to make my past sound interesting when in fact it's always been a bit dull...”
You did that by believing a lie that says something to the affect of; a non-exciting life makes you undesirable. When that is simply not true. I was having a conversation with someone on this past Friday with a person who is a home body and she was describing her husband as a socialite. She prefers not to party all the time, yet he likes to go to event after event. There are people out there who’d greatly appreciate the fact that you may not like to do adventurous things, but just lay back and read a book by the pool instead. (**Truth is...**) there’s nothing wrong with preferring to do that.
I take you have taken to heart what your father said; “He can’t be trusted...” to heart. Even if he got to that conclusion because of lies you’ve told in the past, it’s still something you can change with Truth. And, as you begin to combat your fears that causes you to lie, you can express & live authentically. And, that trust you seek to have within yourself and from others will gradually build because trust is something that is built in relationships as we move forward with them, including relationships with ourselves.
Ive lied a lot also and other things and it makes me feel bad about myself and less self confident....but I am learning that every bad thing I ever did was result of feeling so unhappy and empty, alone and so on and not because I wanted to do bad things. Usually my lies were literally a false description of me and my accomplishments so others would be in awe and want to be my friend...but now I really want to be my authentic self and the lies are not happening as often as they once were....I used to pretend I was talking to friends on the phone whenever I was out in public because I was so lonely and wanted to appear to have it all going for me....all of those things numbed the pain....
I forgot to add. Knowing your Source of Light helps you to find the Sun, which always rises, even if the clouds try to hide its rays, it’s still there. Imagine the clouds as life’s problems but the Sun is still there. Faking it til you make it is like using a light bulb; eventually it burns out.
I say all this to say there is Hope in just the pursuit of discovering that Source of Light, so you don’t have to settle for less.
How did you find your light?
Hi BePeace,
For me, my testimony might be a bit too controversial for HealthUnlocked. If you’ve read through some of my posts, you may have seen that a few were deleted by admins due to talking about Faith. If you’d like more details, please PM me.
But, essentially, to keep it neutral, I got curious; about what the heck was happening to me; about what I was supposed to do with my life now that all I had ever known seemed to fall apart, and nothing was as I originally thought for so many years. And nothing I tried on my own could make it better. Little did I understand at that time is that what I thought was falling apart, was me being put on a new track for the next stage of my life. Think of it this way; every time you move, you have to take apart your home (at least inside possessions: furniture, decor, storage spaces, etc.) to build anew in a new & better one elsewhere. This is often how it is with stages of our lives, but because we’re creatures of comfort, we don’t always think that change is pleasant since many times we may not be “personally aware”, and thus usually unwilling, to make that change. So, there’s an unfulfillment, an unhappiness where we are, because we’re not understanding what’s happening.
As I coach others through similar, I encourage them and now you not to settle because where you are in life isn’t where you have to stay. And, the way things may seem doesn’t have to remain that way. What you’re experiencing right now isn’t all there is to life.
Well said.
Hey there! Welcome to the site. There are so many people on here that can relate to how you feel, including myself. I'm glad that you've joined us. I look forward to reading more of your posts in the future. I hope that this site benefits you in some way. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to. <3
So sorry about your depression and anxiety.
I wonder if maybe it’s a good thing that you’re crying lately even though it may seem out of character for you.
My guess is that maybe all of those thoughts and feelings that come with the anxiety and depression are building up too much and the crying is a sort of release valve.
Imagine if you were holding all of that in instead. My guess is that it would probably find some other way to manifest itself.Just a thought.
I seem to go through spells with one and then the other. I’ll go through a spell where the anxiety builds and builds and I start having panic attacks. After weeks-months, who knows, I’ll fall into a deep deep depression. Sometimes it’s combined though.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in the past. I had it all my life really- but lately I wonder if it’s more than that because it’s never seemed to respond to the meds that treat anxiety and depression. Anyway it’s gotten much worse since about June of this year and somehow triggered the self harming again. I’m just now starting back with counseling so who knows what’ll come out of it.
It’s really hard to hide the worst of what I’m going through from my children.
They are what makes me want to get better so I have to keep trucking along somehow.
Hang in there though-you CAN get through this because you are tough- you’ve put anxiety and depression in its place in the past. It may be strong this time but you are stronger.
By the way I like your kitty profile pic- looks a lot like my cat Ripley (hence my username on this site).
It seems like him having such a super laidback calm demeanor, it helps me get through some of the times when I feel like the anxiety is about to overwhelm me.
Wishing you love light and joy. I am talking to myself here too... We all get stuck in the past, we can feel paralyzed by it sometimes. It is a real effort to move forward and look ahead. It takes courage to leave it behind and allow for something new and something healthy. The past is known and there is comfort in that even if it is painful. But we must persevere. You’ve been through a lot and so young. Healing trauma is intense and takes a long time. You’re not alone. But it is ok to ask for help too.
I am sorry to hear this.. it is never easy to lose a parent..and in such a way
I will say that I have had my days with depression and anxiety etx. What has hlpee immensely is painting!! And writing Esspecially poetry. I hope you give these to creative outlets a try. Sometimes you just need to do things for you.. to see the light. Create something. Be proud of something. Lose yourself in art.
Xo
A
Don't be ashamed of crying, it releases the weight you hold in, and sometimes we hold the weight far too long.
It hurts and its always there and we are always fighting it...its a wound and it hasn't healed...and we have to acknowledge it, go through it in detail with someone trained and feel all the feelings and discuss the effects of this on our lives and those around us...and we have to accept we will never be the same again and go through the grief and loss, and then we need to understand how this changed us...then we need some options to dig our ways to the surface and look over the edge to a life, and then we may need to forgive ourselves and others...and then we need a life plan and a way to take some small focused steps forward and then we keep taking a step and then take another until it isnt the end all of every day and we stat feeling better about us and everyone else.....and then we can make ourselves do things and not deal with the excruciating impossibility of making ourselves do things which we cannot...
Look online for Dr. Stephen Ilardi who wrote " The Depression Cure". I was diagnosed for depressive disorder a few years ago and it never hit home until I saw his Ted talk. He lays out a six step protocol to stand the best chance at overcoming depressive disorder once and all. I'm putting his system, Therapeutic Lifestyle Change, to work in my life and although not out of the woods, I feel its my best chance for a cure. Good luck.
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