NOTE: THIS MAY CAUSE TRIGGERS, IF YOU SUFFER FROM ADHD/ADDICTIONS/DEPRESSION/INSOMNIA/ETC.
Ok, I have a loved family member that has suffered through ADHD and their own self-medicating, now, for about 18 years, steadily. I always show them my love, but I also try never to enable them in these actions; but I also feel like I am not doing my loving best, to try and help them, in this sad decline.
My and our parents' past attempts to bring this person to AA/medical/emotional counseling have gone flop-bot--the latter stuff, mostly because of insurance restrictions. My parents didn't let this stop them from trying, in spite of the financial dent...but, no success. We weren't surprised, or even disappointed, but we were hopeful that this loved-one would try, again, someday, even if they were doubtful that treatment would work. We wanted them to know that we loved them and were behind them, all the way. And we knew, re-entry into rehabilitiation is the norm... none of us were naiive enough to believe that one visit would ever be enough for someone suffering from multiple ailments.
Well, both of our parents are gone, now, and they left each of us with enough to really try and reach around the system, financially, for any help that we couldn't obtain before...but, this loved-one no longer wants to try...yet, they are so sad and physically despondent...yet, just as fierce to not want to talk about the past/present issues, or dealing to deal with them, in the present, or future.
Also, this person who is dear to me is way more intelligent and can argue out of a situation and shut down any reasoning in a flash--as well as have a flashpoint that can lead to physical force...I don't want them going there...the next time that happens and the police have to be called, this person may go to prison, with their record.
And, they will probably not survive that...going into convulsions, without having access to what their body needs now to survive is no answer.
..neither of us, in this situation, would find that acceptable!
So, rather than ask: what should I do? I want to hear from others who suffer from ADHD/depression/addiction/insomnia, to ask: WHAT SHOULD I NOT DO, from where I am standing, so that I don't make things worse.
If you have ever been in the same situation as this family member, what was the last thing you wanted to hear--or have suggestsed to you, to do?
I just need a different perspective...I love this person and want them to look into themselves and still see the value, there, that everyone tells them still exists!
Myself, I have already been through ALANON/psychiatry/friends/religious & spiritual groups, for support, over the years. To my surprise, all were such nice people--and my psychiatrist really helped me see that life was still worth getting out of bed for-- but overall, I feel the perspective from a "knowing" point of view would be so much more valuable for both of us...and since the loved-one won't discuss, I'm pleading with you folks, out there, for any insights...
I thank you, more than you shall ever know...light and love.
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6ixtyon1
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I just recommenced ACOA to another member here....and it is pretty good group open to dealing with dysfunctional family members who are all effected by someones issues so you might want to look into them. I have been down the yellow brick road many many many times trying to talk to some members here who have claimed to be getting sober , but have also heard my share of 'drunken babble' where nothing works, they tried everything for like 10 minutes and can't understand why it won't help them or someone wont' help them. Nobody can fix anyone. there is no easy answer or quick fix either. It's hard work, which in todays society seems to be unpopular....and it takes dedication and again in todays society everyone wants everything resolved yesterday..... it's not the movies but real life and the whole family is effected and not just the addict or person with mental health issues. If the person who is sick does not want to get better....then that's on them and your beating a dead horse trying to change them....we cannot change people they have to. And they will lie and tell you anything they think you want to hear to get you off their back. Tough love at one point is the only option for the chronic abuser, and you have to distance yourself and your family from someone who isn't will to help themselves. You can tell them you love them always, but if they are drinking or using, you don't want them over. Don't lend them money, don't loan them your car, and don't let them move in with you. You have to live your life and not be drug down by their inability to make the choice to help themselves.
Thank you, so much! The situation is a little complicated...we both have equal share in our parents' home, now, and this person is still very much cogent, when sober. As our parents left us with equal shares, they also have enough to survive...and except for their private "needs," the means to get--or, not obtain--what they wish, how they wish. Ironically, they spend far less than I do, personally, and they are always fiscally ready to split home expenditures/emergencies, when necessary.
But, I am privately very worried because I know the human body can only take so much, when splitting its time between regular maintenance and inclusion of other substances...especially, as we age. Bottom line, I'm the older one...when I go, the younger shouldn't have preceded me, unnecessarily.
I will look into the ACOA, at once, and see what I can learn from them--thank you, so much, for your time and for caring! Blessings!
I was very happy to share what I know, and hope it works out for you to at least get more information as knowledge is power and that's what helps me take the power out of my issues when I have a better understanding of what is going on. Best wishes to you.
Thank you! We just came out of a trough, recently...I was very concerned, but it seems to have cleared up, with patience...it's left us both drained, but we are both still here, and so much is to be said for love and patience!
I was suffering from depression brought on by being sexually violated in college. I dont think I was blaming myself, I dont think I fully grasped what had happened, and I dont think I dealt with it in a healthy way. I self medicated with recreational drugs and copious amounts of alcohol. I would always fly into fits of rage when my mother would ask me "what is wrong with you" and to be perfectly honest i didnt see anything wrong with what I was doing at the time. It would infuriate me when others insisted I had a problem. I came to the realization on my own. My mom still invited me to things, didnt treat me different, and quit telling me i had issues. I think it was having that unconditional love that made me realize that if I didnt stop what I was doing that I could loose that unconditional love. I locked myself in the bathroom and was ready to end it all. I wanted out. I thought that I couldnt stop and that was my only way out. My mother found a way to get into the bathroom. She held me as we cried, she expressed her love for me, and told me that no matter what she would be there for me to help my overcome anything. Everyone is different and everyone processes things differently. Best of luck to you and your loved one. If you need to message me please feel free. I am here to help with the best of my abilities.
_Bai_, thank you! We just came out of a bad 6 days...I just held my breath and kept up that unconditional love and acceptance. I think this loved-one went through similar things...but, again, it's never been openly discussed, and obviously, it's too painful, yet, to bring out into the open. But everything that you described is what's going on, here; my late mom went through similar experiences with this loved-one, trying to understand, as well...guess I am continuing to keep the path open. THANK YOU for your invaluable sharing! Blessings!
There is a very fine line with enabling and unconditional love/acceptance. Its difficult at times to recognize it and to realize that you are not enabling them and making their behavior or actions okay but letting them know that you dont agree with them but you love them anyway. Its tricky and i remember the constant battle my mother fought trying to fine the balance. I wish you nothing but luck, love, and happiness!
Sadly, no, and this loved-one has discovered the Fred Meyer (Kroger) "click-it" grocery pickup service...they can now take a cab down to the store to pick up their necessaries, under the guise of providing items for the household. My heart sank when I learned that alcohol can be included in the pickup services. Loved-has their own funds, out of the estate from last year, and has legal free will to do as they like...I don't know how it is in other states, but unless this person breaks the law at home/abroad, there is no way the police can intervene...they are always just controlled enough to not "go there" (though, there have been incidents in the past that resulted in incarceration)... Currently, they are consuming a liter-like bottle of vodka & I think they have another in their part of the house. I despair, because the times between these sessions are as short as 4 - 5 days, now. I cannot get them to see any medical people, b/c they know these activities will be brought up and they cannot face any criticisms/termination of said-activities. Best I can do is make sure they don't have an accident, hurting themselves, or the house...
But, thank you, so much,, Bai_ for caring...I am praying, too...there aren't any cures, here--it would take surviving a nuclear disaster, resulting in the cutoff of sources, to start to bring this person around...even then, I don't know if their body could take the withdrawals, now, without heart attack/strokes/convulsions.
Such a shame...this person is so bright and still quite charming...just doesn't want to try, anymore...just wants out...
I wish I could talk to this person. It seems like they know that they have a problem but they do not care to fix it. given up. Why? maybe thats something you can try and figure out. Just sit down and try and have a normal conversation with them. Ask them about their day for starters. Maybe later in the conversation share something with them that might incline them to open up. Be genuinely interested in no just this person's well being but try and understand their heart and why it is so broken. Dont offer help or solutions, offer comfort.
Alot of the time when we dont share things out of shame its because we are embarrassed or afraid of what the other person might think or say. I didnt share a very large aspect of my life with my parents because i was terrified of their reaction. I internalized this one secret and it lead me to hide more and more. It made me feel like I had to be secretive from everyone who loved me. So I was, because I was afraid. I drank alot and smoked alot of pot. It was how i coped with feeling like i had to shut everyone out.
I finally sat down with my dad and told him and his reaction was far from what I even imagined. He just simply told me he loved me irregardless. He told me something that I will hold on to for the rest of my life, "if this is who you are, own it."
Im not saying this person might be secretly in the closet like I was but it is possible that they might feel like they have to hide something and these vices might be their only coping mechanism.
Odds are they will not open up right away. If they chose to shut down, let them. Try again another day. Just dont dive right into the deep in. Show them that you are interested in their life. Hopefully once they recognize your love for them they will feel comfortable to open up. Its a long and tedious process but I believe that if you stick with it and show them that unconditional love that it could change how they think your reaction or anyone else's will be.
IDEA!!!!: Maybe cook dinner one night and "make a little extra" invite them to sit down and eat with you. Great way to get the ball rolling into some small talk!
You are so right...and, I think there is not only a lot of shame but even terror in what's happened to this loved-one, many years back...I can't prove it in a court of law, but when they returned from another state, after working there for about 3 years, they were totally changed...that's when the drinking began in earnest...they talked a lot in their sleep, crying out that they were sorry--not in a mournful way, but in a panicked please-don't-attack-me, sort of way. This person had dropped one romantic suitor & picked up one closer (I think) to their age; well, they brought that suitor to our part of the states to "meet the folks & everyone." My blood ran cold when I met this person, and our loved-one was fluttery and almost panicky that everything go right around this "suitor." I kept my eyes and ears open, but said nothing, because nothing overt had happened, yet. However, my boyfriend--who despises gossip/rumors and first-impression "prejudices" actually pulled me over, by my arm and said, "Is this guy really safe? Are you sure they should be with him?" That has never happened with my boyfriend, before, or since; my heart sank and went cold...we knew our first impressions were correct.
Well, 2 years later, our loved-one returned, totally "whipped," compared to their former confident attitude; I could never get them to tell me what really happened, but I pieced together from the nightmare "talking in the sleep" that they had at least been very physically assaulted; possibly, sexually, and not just by the suitor, but possibly his father, as well (they owned a home computer repair shop that our loved-one worked with them in...though, we could never learn truly where/who...assumed names). After being back in our part of the country, for about a month with me, I finally "coerced" this loved-one into seeing a counselor--a very good one; but, no soap. The counselor was just "eyeing them for romance" and nothing professional. I recommended another; same result. Now, I was getting panicky at this point; our parents were having their own marital/health issues & I didn't want to let them know how "bad" things had gotten with this loved-one (my mother had an alcoholic father and a very unwell, emotionally, mother...I knew as tough as my mother was, that these could be bad triggers for her, although no one used that term that much 30 years ago). Eventually, though, 3 homes later and without work, this loved-one did wind up moving back in with the folks. For health reasons, I followed a year later.
So...now we are all at home. My mother was wise, by now, to this loved-one's issues & was trying her darndest to make them go to counseling; my dad forked over a lot of $, but to no avail; this loved-one left, before they were half-way through the program (no surprise to any of us; we all knew that this can happen a lot)...acc. to our loved-one, they were not like "thoses losers" trying to get help, plus, the counselor was only eyeing them "for sex." (Yes, we saw the sad pattern, too). For a year and a half, my mother really leaned on our loved-one to stay dry and sober, and it worked for that period, but never, again, after that...their body shame/sexual shame/nightmares/lack of counseling would not leave them in peace.
It all culminated in the fall of '12; my mother was very crippled by then & could hardly get up from the table and walk, without assistance; but one morning, she asked this loved-one to help her put the oven on automatic clean; instead, because they turned out to be very inebriated (with otc meds, by then, as well as alcohol), they somehow set the oven on fire. Our dad was in the hospital, due to a fall off of a ladder, 4 days earlier; in fact, I was up and getting dressed to go pick him up from the hospital and bring him home, when I smelled smoke and heard the fire alarm...long story short, fire was finally out, and my mother and said-loved-one were in a really heated argument; my mother was no doormat, due to her past, so she didn't back down; to make her be quiet, said-loved-one picked up a meat tenderizer in the kitchen and went to swing it; if I hadn't been there, my mother would be dead/brain damaged, and the loved-one would probably have vanished out of the house; as it was, I had to physically intervene; a cell phone I was trying to call the police on was also taken away from me and broken; loved-one pushed me into our antique sideboard (which weighed about as much as our full-size pickup, out front), and I fell funny and twisted my knee; but, I did get up, again. By then, the loved-one had temporarily exhausted themselves and had collapsed back on our couch, sitting there and saying nothing; police came and hauled them away; my mother and I filled out police reports and requested a protection order; I was more upset than my mother, because she'd been through this so many times as a youngster, with her father...she'd just never spoken about it, much. Well, I gimped to the hospital, got my dad, who was on pain meds & couldn't really tell what was going on, & tried to see sense of it all, as I was driving back.
The loved-one was in jail for 6 mo., then remanded to some friends who took them in (though, my folks paid all of the utilities, groceries, etc., while they were there); eventually, though, my mother caved and invited the loved-one back over, violating the order; I was on high alert, because they weren't "well" & I didn't want to see a replay; my dad was kind of on my side in this, but my mother couldn't stand to not forgive--this was how her own family had broken up & she couldn't live through another repeat...
Well, both of the folks are gone, now, so here we are, about 7 years later...I am ashamed to say, I don't know any more about how to truly help this person (who has always had bad adhd, but can't get insurance to cover the cost of treatment) than what I'm doing now....just trying to be a loving friend and family member. I try very hard to never bring up the past, be cheerful and helpful, yet try never to assist in their "illness"...I have brought up the fact that since our insurance has changed, yet again, there is a good chance that they can go to counseling, if they need a life...bait is not taken. I can lead the horse to water, but cannot make them drink...instead, I might go back to counseling, again--not on a hit-and-miss basis, this time, but long-term, if I can afford it and find a good person); if one of us has to be supported by the other, that means one of us has to be strong. Much as I love this loved-one, I cannot depend upon them, to lean too heavily...even when I am very dispirited...I do not know what might get triggered, then...better safe than sorry.
Thank you, for caring--i still think this person needs a trip to a very beautiful place, to forget about reality (which, they have more than commented upon hating and having to live in) and realize their feelings can be as beautiful, again, as their surroundings...not a cure, not even a good idea, maybe, but in my gut, I feel I have to try...so, I am crawling towards that goal.
If I was just as Mensa as this person is, I could hold a decent argument and "persuade" them to take better care of themselves, because I love them...as it is, it's all a lot of "poor persuading." I get the sharpish-smile, sometimes & am told nothing's wrong and not to worry about it...yes, "denial" is more than a river in Egypt, so they told me in Al-Anon.
And, yes, I could be pretty angry about it all, if I thought too long about it; but, I know that I have to pick and choose those battles...and, why, in God's name, do they always have to be battles/challenges/goals? I just want to be a normal person and live an ok life....
But, it's not about me; it's about how I can best protect this person I care so much about.
Thank you for listening, and I hope that this didn't trigger anything for you. I appreciate your sound thoughts! Blessings!
Don't retell them everything that has gone wrong in their life in an effort to get them to go to rehab. Acknowledge their difficulties but don't bring up the things that are constantly haunting them every waking moment. Or at least that's what I'd want
777sigh, I can't thank you, enough! We all have hunches "not to go" to certain places in conflicts, as tempting as it may feel. This person I love isn't ready to go there, yet, obviously, so after our last 6 days, I think things have leveled out, for now...
Fingers crossed, and THANK YOU for sharing with me...onward, we go...blessings to you!
6ixtyon1 I am sorry to hear about your situation. I believe everyone has had addiction, dysfunction or mental illness touch their lives one way or another. Unfortunately, what works for one may not work for another. However, I have learned from my own recovery and that of others, a family just seems to be unable to do anything but be a support system. You can talk until your blue in the face and they won’t listen, someone else comes along says the same thing and they follow their word. You really just need to let him/her know you are there for support. You, then need to keep doing what will make you healthy all the way around. I know this may be not what you wanted to hear, but I have rarely heard of a family is the main turning point. Interventions from family and friends can help but as in my case, it took some time to let the words of loved ones sink in. Hoping you find your answer and take care of yourself. You cannot help anyone until you help yourself. Beautyoutofashes54
beautyoutofashes54, that is the truth, as I've seen and felt, so far. We just came out of another difficult period, so I hope that some day, this person will go back and hear that their case isn't hopeless, and then heed the words of someone else. It's my gift for them, to realize this... THANK YOU for sharing your invaluable advice, and I will just stay the path, as we go on. Blessings, always!
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