Alone and desperate

[azantos]

Hi guys. I am brand new to this app and am desperately hoping that it will give me some people to talk and make me feel less alone. For a little background, I am only a teenager but already feel I can’t live like this any longer. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety, depression, ocd, and paranoid tendency at age 6. I’ve been to dozens of therapist been on countless amounts of meds but things only got worse with time. As I became a teenager I developed insomnia, incredibly low self esteem, agoraphobia, and an unhealthy relationship with food. I was never able to make friendships due to the fact that I am incapable to go over someone’s house, to the mall, or to the movies. Throughout middle school there would be days where I couldn’t get up or was too sick to my stomach to go to school but I always made it in the end. Also over the summers I would go without leaving my house for weeks having nowhere to go and no when to see. When I was 14 I got the point where I just couldn’t get up anymore. I dropped out of school and my parents made the decision to pay a team of people to take me out of my bed and send me to wilderness therapy. I lived in the woods for 98 days off of rice and in my own filth. When I finally made it out I was sent to a therapeutic boarding school where I struggled in an unstable environment where it was never guaranteed that you wouldn’t get sent back to the woods. I graduated in may after clawing my way through a very difficult year and a half. Unfortunately after the summer I went through a shattering experience that destroyed everything I had built for the last two years. I spent a week in the hospital before swallowing my pride and going back to my old school. I was doing okay for a month before I started severe panic attacks for no reason at all and it got the point where I didn’t think I could live another day. I came home for a thanksgiving and broke down when it was time to go back. I can’t. Now I’m in limbo. All day my mom calls schools, RTC, and inpatient programs. I’m tired of living on everyone else’s terms. I’m tired of being dragged around and drained of my will to live. I want to save myself. I am feeling incredibly alone and implore of anyone reading who relates to any of my story. If they have any questions or just want to talk. I need a friend.

[Agora1]

Hi azantos, you have found a friend in me as well as the other amazing people

on this forum. I'm glad you reached out to us. I can more than understand your

pain and your loneliness. I was agoraphobic myself and know what that fear is

like in just the thought of leaving the house. This happens to us azantos, when

stress and anxiety get so overwhelming that our mind convinces us the only safe

place is at home. Did something happen to you before the age of 6 that prompted

all these diagnoses? You're are too young to have seen so many therapist and be

on countless medications. Medication can be helpful to a point and then it can go

against you when over prescribed. I've seen it happen to myself at one time.

Sounds like your parents used tough love in order for you to overcome your issues.

That wilderness program had to be a traumatic journey for you. Therapeutic boarding

school as well? From the hospital to your old school and then your panic attacks start.

Is it any wonder? You don't feel safe or secure. Your life has been nothing but living on

the edge not knowing where you will be sent next. I am so truly sorry for this emotional

upheaval. I do believe you are living in a limbo.

Is your behavior so difficult that your parents feel you need to be out of the house?

As long as you are under the age of 18, your parents have the authority to do what

they feel is best for you. However, is there someone you can talk to and trust who

can intervene for you? A family member, a close friend's mother? If a psychiatrist

is involved with you case, it could be possible that a family meeting could be called

where you would get to relay how this is making you feel emotionally and physically.

I'm glad you want to save yourself. I want to see you SAFE.

My adopted daughter who started out as my foster child went through a lot of the

same issues as you did regarding school and not wanting to go. The stomach aches as well

as migraines that she had in middle school were numerous that she was out more than

in school. High school was a nightmare for her. After 6 months as a freshman, she dropped out, fearing to leave the house and her bed. Low self esteem, no friends...

I hope you are able to see a professional counselor who can advise you in what you can

do to regain some dignity and not lose yourself. With that said, we can support you through this and help you feel so not alone. It's going to be okay, you need someone who

can help guide you w/o feeling threatened or punished. Stay strong dear. xx

[azantos in reply to Agora1]

Hi Agora1,

Your are the first person to reach out to me on this app and I would just like to say thank for your kind words and your concerns. I was pretty nervous to be open to a bunch of strangers but you and everyone else understanding and interest has been really comforting and validating. To answer some of your questions, when I was 6 I was assaulted in my home. Due to my young age I blocked this from my memory and did not remember it till 6 months ago when it came out while exploring my childhood through guided visualization. Before that, the origin of my symptoms was very mysterious as my parents had no idea what caused me to have such a dramatic downward spiral as a kindergardener. I have very complicated feelings about my time in residential treatment as it did help with my social anxiety and got me credits for two years of high school. On the other hand, I was exposed to a lot of volatile people and situations that dramatically opened my eyes to some of the darkness of the world and showed me how naive I was growing up in a shelter small town. Thankfully, I never acted out or rebelled against my parents so I have a pretty good relationship with my Mom and I know that she trusts me. We only really arguing about treatment steps and loaded subjects like that. I consider myself a pretty good kid as I always clean the kitchen, cook for myself, and go to sleep by 10 o'clock. I think that my mom measures my success by how often I leave the house as it is something tangible that she can put down in her binders and filing cabinet about me. I trust her to listen to me and respect what I have to say. We are able to have mature conversations where I can rely my experience and opinions in a way she can understand even though she has never suffered from mental illness herself. We disagree a lot right now on my next step as her default is always just to send me to a new facility but I am hopeful that I am getting through to her. You mentioned that you suffer from agoraphobia too. Do you have any advice as to how you over came it? I am right now trying to start taking small steps to get me more comfortable going outside. Any advice you can share would be greatly appreciated.

[Agora1 in reply to azantos]

azantos, thank you for sharing some very personal information about your young past. I'm hoping your mother knows about that incident. Your issues are very complex

and I do hope that you eventually find the best treatment for yourself. I believe that

you are ready to take those steps forward in starting to go outside again.

I was not as brave as you and so I was agoraphobic for 5 years. There is no need for

that to happen to you. As I got into my fifth year of being homebound, I started working on myself through self help videos on YouTube. Using Mindfulness in Living

in the Moment Meditation. How to build self confidence by Michelle Phan.

Mindfulness-3 min meditation by the Honest guys. Spoken Affirmations for Anxiety to

calm down by Jason Stephenson.

I read the book by Dr. Claire Weekes "Hope & Help for your Nerves". I used acceptance

that anxiety was controlling me by the negative thoughts it was feeding my brain.

Once you learn to accept your fears as not harmful you will become unstuck and be able to move forward in life. I also used Deep Breathing Meditation which I used with

every step I took from that moment on. First getting out again, driving again, going to

the store and mall again etc etc. We each need to find what works best for us.

Right now azantos, you don't just have one thing going on. You have many things that

need to be addressed by a professional. They need to be the one to guide you onto

the right path. You cannot just sweep everything that happened to you, under the carpet. It needs to come out, it needs to be addressed and until it is, you will be in

this continuous cycle of uncertainty. Know that your fears of going out are coming

from something more deep and sinister than anxiety. You were hurt emotionally

and you need to heal from that. I will support you and listen to you but cannot give

advice as to what you and your mother do next in helping you.

Continue staying strong. xx

[Calm_mama]

HI azantos,

I am sorry that things have been so difficult for you. You are young to have gone through so much. I have a few questions! Perhaps you would be willing to answer and then I may have some thoughts/suggestions. What have you thought of your therapists? Have you clicked with any of those that you've had in the past? Are they experts in the things you struggle with? Have you ever been in a support group for kids going through similar challenges? Is there an advisor, guidance counselor or teacher you can talk to at school? Sometimes it's just that one connection that really helps someone stay afloat.

Hope to hear lots from you. Many people find that writing her is extremely therapeutic

[azantos in reply to Calm_mama]

Hi Calm_mama,

As a little kid I definitely was super distrustful of my therapists. My parents would force me to go or else I would be punished so, being the stubborn and defiant child I was, I would sit in my therapists office and not speak just to spite them. The therapist would eventually get frustrated and recommend me to someone else so that by the time I got to high school i had been to dozens of therapists. When I did speak, they would just put me on more medication which 6-12 year old me aggressively objected to as they did not tell me what they were and would just force me to take them. It wasn't until I was 14 that I really found a therapist at one of my programs that I trusted. She is a really nice a women but I feel like we've tried everything to no avail. I have done DBT, CBT, EDMR, and have talked over my entire life with her. She is at a loss as to what to do with me at this point because she has never seen anyone with such complicated somatic symptoms and engrained behavior. I have gone to experts in anxiety before but there are so many complicated layers involving PTSD, depression, and debilitating physical symptoms that they have found difficult to disentangle it all and directly treat their speciality. I recently have been searching for support groups for in Massachusetts but can't really find one that is still open or is in close enough proximity especially because I can't drive and I would need it to work with my mom's schedule. I am not in school right now and since I have been bounced around to different programs in different states for two years I do not have any friends that I am still in contact with. That is part of the reason I download this app is to find people to talk with. Thank you for your reply and your support

[Calm_mama in reply to azantos]

Hi azantos,

I have 2 teens, one with anxiety. She wouldn't talk for 4 years when I took her to therapists (panic attacks started in elementary school). At 14 she burst like a time bomb. I try to answer all younger people on this board because my heart goes out to them so fiercely. My daughter is doing well now, after residential care, then about a year of an IOP (we fashioned an IOP equivalent with various support groups, art therapy, and an excellent therapist who was willing to see her several times a week). She got all the therapies you did too. Not all the meds. She is now getting therapy once a week and just finished up a support group she probably is done with.

I'm telling you all this because while I'm the mom, I have a pretty good sense of some of the things you are going through. (and I also have anxiety.) My daughter finally opened up (it was explosive at first) but once that happened, she hasn't stopped, thank God. And it sounds like you already know this- but you shouldn't stop either. It sounds like you have a great therapist and a great mom, and now you have all the folks here so I hope you keep letting it all pour out like volcanic lava.

Here are some ideas/thoughts

- UBER. My daughter takes uber to a lot of places like support groups, therapy. It's just the reality of my family's busy life. If you find a support group can you get there by Uber/Lyft? A support group could be fantastic for you- support + others with similar concerns+ friends. Or, can you find a virtual support group (I mean live with Audio-visual, not a board like this).

- Rethink the layers. You sound very insightful- and your therapist is a pro, so I could be so wrong about this. But is everything really as complicated as it seems? Often, the simplest explanation for things is the right one. Perhaps you have processed your past trauma sufficiently (this happens) and it's simply that anxiety and depression have created a set of beliefs and a way of thinking that has become the norm. I don't know, you have people who really care about you looking out for you, and perhaps you have more work to do in this area, but at some point it will be time to move on from trauma recovery and move towards recovery from anxiety and depression, which can be more simple (not easy! but simple) in terms of recovery process. Agora has some serious wisdom about all this, so I'm so glad she shared her insight. I have my favorite resources for anxiety and depression which are on my profile- and you will see that many people here also have relied on Dr. Claire Weekes to get them beyond anxiety, panic, somatization, depression, OCD, and agoraphobia. Check those resources out and see if they speak to you. Even if you still do have trauma recovery to do, learning the effective approach towards anxiety recovery concurrently is absolutely something I recommend.With my daughter, I found the resources we found together to be as important, if not more so, than the therapy she was getting.

School- here I have a question: Have you completed high school?

Other activities: If you are able to get to therapy, and are considering a support group if one is accessible, then are you able to get to other activities? Anything that piques your interest, even a little bit?- art, music, theater, a sport, animals, any hobby or interest... Again, Uber/Lyft if you cannot get a ride from your mom, perhaps? I mention activities out in the real world because I think I understand some of the dread of going back to a therapeutic school, a RTC, and interacting with people there. Yes, they are people just like everyone. But there is a lot of intensity and chaos sometimes. And so much emphasis on the problems, the issues. Sometimes it's better to be amongst people who have less going on in their lives. Whose lives are more run-of-the-mill. It can help reestablish a sense of normalcy. I think that too much therapy can sometimes be as much of a problem as not enough sometimes. A toe into the world out there might be a huge step in the right direction.

Those are the rambling thoughts I have tonight

[Bird-67]

Well azantos what more can I say as Agora 1 has put it so well.

Just to tell you that I am here for you too dear xx ❤️

[tamka38]

Sorry to had to experience that at a very young age. I don’t know how old you’re but there’s a lot of help out there and I really hope u start feeling better I went through a lot at a very young age and it take years to get where am at now and I still struggling everyday just remember don’t matter how hard things get the feelings u feel will pass and please never give up on yourself and

I don’t know u but I love u and care about your wellbeing and I wish the best for u and you’re never alone when u use this app and if u ever need to talk to me am here for u and u can message me anytime

I would love to talk to u and try to help the best way I know how good luck on your recovery and hope u keep the strength u need to make it through the day and many more to come

[DaisyDexterMom]

Hi azantos,

You have gotten some very goodreplies and I don't have much to add except that I am praying for you and sending you hugs. Be proud of yourself, you are surviving such trials and tribulations. The days are far from perfect, but you are doing it. You are strong and courageous!! Keep posting...we are always here!

[Lazy_dog_lover]

Welcome. I hope you find comfort here.

I don't have experiences like yours, but we all carry our own baggage. When away at wilderness school, what was your "take away"? What were you to learn?

How do you want to be as a person?