It's tough getting people to truly understand what you're going through. Especially if they've never gone through it themselves. I would try and talk to people about the thoughts going through my head and the torment I felt. I quickly realized most people prefer to not hear about your problems or they don’t know how to respond. So, I did my best to mask my pain. Fake smiles and humor gave the illusion everything was fine. It kept people from trying to pretend they cared with their halfhearted act of concern.
Little by little I began to withdraw from the outside world. I stopped responding to friends until they stopped contacting me altogether. I found myself constantly alone with nothing but my thoughts. Spending most days not speaking a single word. I slowly became completely anti-social. The thought of doing anything gave me horrible anxiety. I began to attack my self-worth until I believed I deserved all the pain I was feeling.
All the while my family watched, not fully realizing the inner battle I was fighting. I did my best to keep up the appearance of “normal”. It became exhausting keeping the illusion going. It’s hard to smile when you feel dead inside. From time to time I would collapse under the weight of it all. I was unable to function at all. I would sleep for days. Rarely moving at all or speaking to anyone. To my family I was purposely acting this way.
My father has never understood the demons I struggle to overcome. To him I'm just being lazy, and I should just suck it up. It's not that he doesn't care. It's that he has gone his whole life just stuffing everything down. I've tried to explain to him how I feel and that at times all I want is to end my suffering. After years of talking to him about my thoughts he opened up to me. With tears in his eyes he told me "Don't you think I want to put a gun in my mouth. It's not the answer". I had never seen my dad in this light. It was heartbreaking. He still doesn't understand how crippling my depression is, but he is a little more understanding. To him men should just bury these feelings and push through. It hurts to know that he blames himself for the way I am. He feels like he failed at raising me.
I've been struggling with addiction and depression around 10 years. I've watched as the love of my life grew to resent me until she couldn't take it anymore. She left me when I needed help the most. It took years, but I don’t blame her anymore. I realize I was causing her to be unhappy. If it took leaving me to find happiness again then I’m truly happy for her. At the time I was heartbroken and bitter. Her leaving caused me to self-destruct and give up on life altogether. I've been struggling to claw my way out of the hole I dug myself in ever since. I come close at times but always end up at rock bottom. After years of trying to fix things on my own I finally accepted I need help. I'm in the process of finding a therapist. I've been self-medicating to numb myself from the world and to run from my problems. But no matter how far you think you get. Every issue is always waiting for you when you finally stop running.
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UnbackedMuffin
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Thank you for sharing. Sending lots of love to you in your recovery. There are definitely trying times, but just hang in there because things will get better! <3
You will find love again, and the right love will not leave you but instead understand how to be patient and WANT to be patient and do everything they can to go through things with you so you feel less alone. Being unhealthy mentally is nothing less than being unhealthy physically. Let’s say you have a broken arm and can’t use it until it heals. Does this give your partner the right to leave because they don’t feel like “dealing with it?” No, the right person will encourage you to want to heal, help you heal, and be patient until you do so. Just something to think about
I appreciate the kind words. There's more to the story I didn't fully delve into. We had been together for 10 years. We started dating in high school and basically grew up together. We moved in together after we both got out of high school. I started working full time and trying to go to college. All while trying to pay a majority of the bills so she could focus on college. I worked overnights then would try and go to class all day. Needless to say it took a toll on me. I started taking things to be able to keep up. All the while our relationship began to suffer. We rarely saw one another due to our schedules. I started to become extremely unhappy with my life. I started using drugs more frequently and soon formed a habit. With heavy drug use come a wave of psychological issues. I became completely void of emotion. I felt nothing and to my gf she thought I didn't care about her anymore. The drugs began changing me. When I was not on the drug I didn't wan't to be touched and was distant. I was pushing her away and didn't even realize it. I lost my sex drive almost completely which she took personally. She thought I wasn't attracted to her anymore. The deeper my addiction got the more depressed I became from hiding this problem from everyone. After several years I began to lose control and it started to become obvious something was going on. She began filming me while I was high and then showing me later. I became aggressively defensive and would deny everything. Until one day I came home high around 4am from a friends house. I lived in an apartment complex and pulled into a parking spot between two cars. I was blacked out and don't remember how I got home. All I remember is waking up and seeing white smoke coming from my cars hood. For some reason I rolled the car into the middle of the parking lot and run up stairs to my apartment. I called my father for some reason. By the time I went back to my car there were several cops and firetrucks. My car had caught on fire and was now burning up in the parking lot. I don't remember much. I remember talking to an officer about what happened and why I did what I did. I couldn't give him an honest answer because I didn't know. I was so intoxicated it's amazing they didn't arrest me. So the next day I went and got high again to forget about losing my car. I came home later that night and my gf was upset. She began calling me out for being high. I got mad and denied everything. After fighting for several minutes I stormed out. I had planned to go to my parents. I never made it. On the way there I fell asleep behind the wheel and crossed traffic. I launched my parents mini van off someones driveway. Landed halfway through there yard and took out a fence into the next yard. I finally woke up after hitting the second tree. I had no idea what happened. I opened the door and tried to stand but my ankle was broken among other things. After that accident there wasn't any hiding it anymore. By the grace of God I didn't hurt anyone. I wasn't charged with anything either. I don't know how. My ex tried to be supportive for the first 6 months but I wasn't getting better fast enough. Within that year she called me while I was at work and ended our relationship. I gave up on life after that. I felt like I had nothing to live for and started to heavily use drugs to numb myself. That was around New Years 2011. I've been struggling ever since. I tried dating again but when you don't love yourself you can't expect someone to either. I ended up in abusive relationships that I stayed in because I didn't want to be alone. So I tried to do anything to keep them happy but it never worked. It took a long time to realize that I deserve better. I've remained single now for 5 years. I don't want to jump into a relationship because I'm lonely. I want to be in one because the person is my best friend. Sorry for the long post. I've just been holding a lot of this in and it's nice to get it out.
Sorry u had to experience that, people who don’t understand depression or anxiety will never understand what we go through on a daily basics and my family think am lazy and just don’t want to nothing it hurts because I do want to get out but my anxiety and depression stop me every time and I use to self medicated for years I been sober for 1 month 24 days and Am on medication this time hoping it works and if u every need someone to talk to please reach out and am here for u please do what u can to take care of yourself and if it means sleep all day and let your body rest do that and try to ignore what people got to say if they not helping u
Thank you, it's comforting to know that I'm not the only person that has these thoughts or feels this way. I'm glad to hear of your sobriety. I just got out of detox a couple weeks ago but am struggling. I know have the chemical imbalance and anxiety that follows getting off a drug. I'm working on finding a therapist and pain management doctor. They put me on Zoloft in the hospital but I'm not sure I like how it makes me feel. I need to see a doctor soon and get my meds adjusted. I appreciate you reaching out to me. I'm left to myself most days and the loneliness if starting to take its toll on me.
You have definitely had some rough times. I can't imagine how you have pulled through it this far. You haven't given up if you are here.
I can only say that, after kicking out my spouse over 3 years ago, I'm much happier. I do feel lonely too and worry that a new love interest would hurt me. I hide away from the world whenever I can and hate to go out, unless it is for work. (That's if I don't get fired for neglecting my job. I can't concentrate and don't know what good I am doing here.) Keep fighting and adjust the medications if needed. Find positive things about yourself that make you feel better. You lost 2 pounds. You skipped dessert. You walked the dog. You enjoyed dinner. What keeps you going, fighting for yourself? I tell myself I haven't given up because I have people I need to talk to still. And I've found this site has helped me so far. Prayers and hugs to you!
Thank you for the kind words. There have been plenty of times I've wanted to give up. Thankfully I haven't succeeded the few times I've tried. The thought of my family finding me is what keeps me going. I can't bare the thought of the pain it would cause them. I've been reaching out for help as of recently. It's been getting harder to deal with and I'm scared of what I might do. I finally got health insurance a couple weeks ago and am seeking help. I have a lot of issues I need to deal with that I've been running from for years. I have a tendency to bottle my emotions and not really process them. I self medicate to drown them out and they always resurface when I finally crash. I have years of pain I need to deal with so I can heal and finally move on.
You have been through so much, my heart goes out to you. You are still on this earth for a reason. Each day we have is a gift...no matter how bad it is, and I know how bad it can be, surviving the day is sometimes all we can ask for. A therapist and meds and TMS have helped me. Be patient with meds, it can be a long journey trying to find out what works for you. But my psychiatrist promised me we would find something that works and after about a year he was right. I still have struggles (today being one!). Depression is a nasty and persistent demon. This group is helping me learn that I am not alone...and you are not either. If ever you need to vent or just need a listening ear, we are here.
Thank you. Loneliness is my biggest issue when it comes to my depression. I'm usually a very social person but I tend to hide from the world when I get this way. This is something I've been struggling for years now. I never really spoke out or asked for help. I would always find some form of an outlet to lose myself in. Over the years I've lost any interest in most anything. I can't seem to find joy in activities I once loved. I've become a hollow shell of who I once was. I'm basically on auto pilot, just going through the motions. Some days I feel like myself and am motivated but it's rare. I've all but stopped pursuing a normal life. For the longest time I was just waiting for death to come. I thought that would be when I would finally find peace. I don't know how I got to be so cynical and cold. I used to be so hopeful and full of life. I guess somewhere along the line I gave up. I'm to the point where I don't know how to change. I can see whats wrong with me but I've allowed these thoughts to burrow so deep that they are part of me now. I don't know how I'm supposed to pause life and adult responsibilities in order to heal properly. All I know is that I need to break free from these dark walls I've imprisoned myself in before it's too late.
Do you you take any meds? I only ask because I know they can help. It took me a long time, but my psychiatrist refused to give up and eventually I found a combination that works. It's not perfect...I still go through bouts of depression, but with them and therapy (I also went through TMS, which I highly recommend, but insurance doesn't always cover) my life is finally livable. It's hard to crawl out of the darkness. But it can be done. I am so glad you found HealthUnlocked. It's a great place to share!
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