Then my daughter finds me weeping whilst writing this...

[Wild_N]

Memories can't be erased, feelings too a thought of 10yrs ago feels like 10 yrs ago. What can one do coz as you move on you come across situations and things that will remind of then yet you thought it had gone away.

I miss my innocence my freedom my joy before the reality of the growing life. I would have stayed young forever. I can just imagine what a tree goes through if I've been through so much n I can't take nor bare it. If I were tree I'd be rootless from all of the the torment of life.

I look at trees and smile as they provide shade and oxygen then cry as I look at myself as I try to please everybody and smile. Does anyone or anything consider what has been endured for these benefits to be enjoyed? Digging of a well or borehole how many challenges before the water is enjoyed. Some get rain n some get to be rained upon. Right now an umbrella would do.

I won't lie throwing the towel is the 1st option but thinking of the hours of labour brings me back to my feet, I hope they'll know one day that I fought because of them. I love my Wazi's I love them Lwazi seems to be calming me down with reasoning and Kwazi calms me down with her wildness a combination of what keeps me going.

I pray to never let them down by giving up but grow them with a fighting spirit by not giving up...

GOD I have you.

[BonnieSue]

Dear Wild,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this painful time. Depression is a nasty disease. But it IS a disease, not witchcraft as some you know would believe. I wonder how old your children are? Your love for them and commitment to them is so strong, it's wonderful! Keep holding on for their sake and time will help you heal as we all try to help you.

Do you see a doctor for your depression? That's very important. If you're on medication, as you should be, it's not working effectively for you and this needs addressing with the doctor asap. You also need a counselor/therapist to guide you through this disease, coping, and recovery. It's so complicated it's too much on your own.

You show a strong tendency to melancholia and this needs to be restrained and limited. When you travel deeper into introspection during major depression, you are risking worsening the depressive state. Contemplating your life and circumstances is okay in reasonable amounts, but dwelling there more than necessary is risky to your mental health. It does lead to suicidal ideation.

As you think, therefore you are. Think positively and your mood will follow. Think on things of beauty that uplift you. What are your favorite things? You mention beauty in trees, which is great! Click on my photo and look for my posts titled "Something Beautiful" and you will probably be uplifted with those nature photos of my garden and the messages I write with them. I'm trying to post at least once a day so look for them daily. You have the internet, can you google for images of nature? The crystal clear blue-green of the Caribbean Sea, the beauty of the vast underwater creatures and life there that's so beautiful and intriguing are options to view. How about animals? Baby animals? There are hilarious and simply cute photos of human babies that are heartwarming if you look for them. "smiling babies" or "laughing babies" in your search engine will get you there. Now use that imagination and put positive things in the movie screen of your mind as much as possible.

Move your muscles to feel better. Do you exercise? Take walks? Getting out and moving is a known help for lifting mood. Not a cure, but a definite lift. Take baby steps to try all of these things. Work up to higher frequency of what is healthy for you. Come here and you'll get support. Try to write your messages a little shorter so you don't lose readers who can help you. Write the long version on a writing platform on your laptop or computer. Write in email or almost anywhere if you don't have a Word program.

I will be praying for you and available should you want to contact me. Please take action to help yourself asap. Hugs, Love, and Blessings...

[Wild_N in reply to BonnieSue]

Hi thanks so much for your assistance and prayers.

My daughters are 10yrs n 16months old. I do see a doctor n on medication for bi-polar disorder. If it was according to me I'd like to see the doctor every 3days.

Taking walks, exercising helps for that moment. When all done I have to return to my reality, if there was a way to get everyone around me to understand my condition I would not be feeling so down coz I know I have support but it's different. I've lost friends or rather they avoid me coz I'm down half the time... Hence I write n write n write.

Psalms says be like a tree planted by the stream... As I look at the trees they remind me that they grow regardless and somehow wish I'd be as strong as them.

I'm seeing the doctor this week I'll ask her regarding the medication.

As for activities I need to really find something that I won't lose interest in.

Thanks for the good advice I'll research on things that I can do to move my mind to positivity.

[pink318]

Hi, I’m very sorry you are going through a difficult time. I hope you are feeling better today.

I pray that therapy and medication will help you to get well from depression. Please try to remain positive and hopeful.

Keep on posting, talking about how you feel can improve your mood.

I love to express my feelings through writing on my journal. Good or bad I put it down on my journal. I can see that you love writing. Continue doing that, according to some studies, writing or journaling is good for mental health. It’s not a cure but has benefits.

Try also to join a support group and I hope it will work for you. I have a friend who is going through depression and a support group has been a big help for her to feel less lonely. She meets this group once a week and they share their experience. It encourages my friend knowing that she is not alone.

You are in my prayers. Please keep us posted. God bless.