I've lived in New York City for 8 years now, I've been using the subway, if not everyday then every other day the whole time. Recently I have been terrified to ride the subway alone, I'm afraid the train will get stuck in a tunnel with no service and that I will be trapped alone for an undisclosed length of time. Now every time the train stops or even slows down I can feel a panic attack coming on. I get all of the typical symptoms, heart racing, impending sense of doom or dread, quick rapid breaths, that feeling in the pit of your stomach, numbness,etc However, even before all of those something happens that I fear the most, a feeling like a wave just crashed over me and transforms me into a a different person and the panic and fear follows immediately behind it. I try thinking of something else but my mind returns to the fact that we aren't moving and if I have a panic attack I am alone and trapped until the train moves again, however long that might be, with no way to communicate with loved ones.
I've been claustrophobic for as long as I can remember, but it always seems to pop up randomly or in more common places like a fear of flying. Like I said I've taken the subway for years and even enjoyed the occasional delay which allowed me to keep reading my book, take a nap, or just plain be late for work. Now even the thought of taking the train to go home terrifies me.
Recently I've been taking the subway with my wife, but she is getting worried and this is not sustainable. I'm taking baby steps for now, for example we will take the same train but not sit together or be in other areas. This helps a little bit, next time we are going to be in different subway cars, baby steps for now. I've downloaded an iPhone app called Beat Panic that uses flash cards to walk you through breathing exercises and the Panic Attack itself. I've also read up a lot on Panic Disorders to better understand what's happening to me which helps me to worry less about the panic attack itself and to focus more on how to handle it when it happens. However, even though these things have helped its nowhere near where I need/want to be. This fear dominates my every thought to the point where I question my decision making, because I feel like this anxiety is calling the shots.
I'm writing here today for a few reasons.To share my fear so that maybe it can help someone in a similar or exact situation. To share my experience and what I am trying to do to help myself so maybe it can help someone else, because the fear of living your daily life to the point that going home is terrifying, is a form of hell that no one should go through alone. I'm sharing for the hopes that someone here could offer more advice, share experiences and what they did/do that helps them. Obviously therapy is the best advice, but where I am right now with insurance, work life and money its not a plan A, although I am looking. Lastly, I'm here for my own catharsis, to put this in writing, I heard it helps to write out the fear and it kind of does. I can see what my fear is, what I'm doing and what I have accomplished. I know I have a long way to go but this certainly helps.
Anyways, I am new here and I apologize if this was long, I hope this may help someone and if anyone has any other advice on what they do to beat their anxiety or fears I'd love to hear it.
Thank you