I want to post this on World Mental Health Day. For a few reasons I didn't. 1, I didn’t think it was ready. 2, I was afraid and didn't know how you people would see this 3, I’m no writer Jesus I can barely write my name.
Now I’m not doing this for likes or for self-gratification, I’m doing it show how people can change with a little understanding from others. So if you are just going to read this first part hit the like button and say positive things in the comment section you are missing the point.
So here goes
My Battles within a War
Why should i fight my first 2 Hours
Beep Beep Beep….My alarm kind of wakes me up from another restless night, I open my eyes and the self-doubt starts to creep in.
I slowly reach over to turn the alarm off, praying I do not wake Jaime up. It’s 5:30 am I’ve had around 2hrs sleep. Why am I doing this to myself what's the point why I ask why. Jaime softly says “Morning love time for Gym” but what I hear is totally different “get to the gym you waste of space you will never amount to anything just man up for fuck sake” The self-pity and self-doubt creeps in even more.
I get out of bed first thing I see is the long mirror on the wardrobe door, I catch my reflection and say what's the point look at yourself you are a waste of space just give up now. My head is already starting to look at the floor. I brush my teeth get dressed and make myself a cup of coffee.
I sit on the sofa drinking my coffee, running things over and over in my head what's the point what's the point, Richard just go back in bedroom turn on the computer and lose yourself in online games fake friends, you know you want to. The only reason i don’t is Jaime is in the room and I really don't want to deal with that.
I force myself outside, notice that it’s raining “thank god” springs to my mind not many people will be about while it’s raining fewer people will see me. I slowly trundle along to the Gym with is half a mile away all the time looking down at the floor praying no one will see me. Shit someone is walking towards me, what must they think of me don’t look up stay looking at the floor Richard maybe they will not see me keep looking at the floor.
I finally reach the Gym, I get to the doors and already thinking of ways to leave and making an excuse up for Jaime. I go in and go on my treadmill I call it mine as out of habit I always go on that one and I start to walk.
I’m walking away in my own little world looking down all the time still hoping that no one sees me, then I hear a voice “Good Morning” nothing more wasn’t said nasty wasn't mean was said in a very polite way. But that was the trigger.
OMG someone noticed me I start to freak the hell out breathing gets faster and deeper every breath I’m fighting for, I’m losing control what the fuck am I to do. I pull up my hood and get out as fast as I can and start to walk home again.
I reach home sweating shaking out of breath can’t think in full panic mode. I go into the bathroom close the door and ball my eyes out. I will never amount to anything just give up now.
Reason why i Fight my first 2 Hours
Beep Beep Beep...My alarm wakes me up, I try to reach for my phone but can’t move enough to reach for it. Jaime the Human leech is snuggled into me, arm wrapped around me I slowly move her arm, so i can reach my phone and turn it off. Morning love I say as I kiss her on the forehead and head off to get dressed.
As I’m getting dressed I started to plan out in my head what I’m going to do today. Maybe some editing after gym then I remember, What me and Reece were talking about the day before. This puts a huge smile on my face silly thing too. We were drooling over DSLR’s on Amazon both saying if only. When I got an email pop up. I clicked on it and it took me to a site I use about Greece and the Greek Islands the First thing we both see is that some of my Photos I posted on the site were trending, Reece’s face lit up when he saw this “wow you on the first page trending out of 7000 photos the top 4 are yours. This again made me smile just remembering seeing his smile.
I set off to the Gym and notice that it raining and everything smells so fresh. I start to walk down the road and a glimmer of light catches my eyes Its just a puddle from the rain but with it still being so dark the car lights, street lights and neon lights from the Shopping Centre are reflecting in the puddle, wow that's stunning wish I had my camera with me.
I now reach the Gym use my card to enter and head for my treadmill (too right it's my treadmill all mine). I set it off at a slow speed to 3.5mph and incline of 2 just to warm up. After 30mins on my treadmill, I head to weights and do 30mins on the weights. While on the weights i get a nod and a smile from a man across from me, I smile back and politely say good morning. I head off back home
I get home, park my sweaty arse down as I’m 100% fracked I’d given all i had to give at Gym and just wanted to catch my breath before I go in the bathroom and have a bath.
That’s 2hrs of what was and what now is.
By
Richard Lee Evans
See the point in writing this was, Some people don’t really understand Mental Health which is such a crying shame. I trained my thoughts to look at the positives in my life rather than letting the negatives take control of my life.
Is this easy hell no is it worth fighting for hell yes. I win some days i lose some days but i can say now Honestly the good days are so much better have I won my War, nope it's a War that I will truly fight all my life but god I’m enjoying winning every day now
Upset
Girlfriend had a very intense episode of something and I am terrified
Ruminating’s causing me distress.
And then one day
Overwhelmed 
