Sick to my stomach with worry and fear

[Smg315]

I posted earlier about waiting on test results for leukemia and it seems as time goes on the fear gets worse. I did something I never should have and I started researching this cancer. I’m terrified my results will be positive. I don’t want to die. I finally got rid of my suicidal thoughts and now I might actually die of cancer. I’m starting fights with my boyfriend and I think it’s a subconscious problem that I didn’t realize until now. Maybe I’m starting the fights so it’ll make saying goodbye easier? Or maybe I just don’t know how to handle this fear and I take it out on him. Either way, I can’t stop breaking down. Every time I’m alone in the shower I play music on full volume so I can cry as loud as possible without being heard. I cry in the car on my way to and from work. I sit in the car and cry before going inside my apartment and I cry at night when my boyfriends asleep and before I go to work in the mornings. I’m crying right now typing this. I’ve fallen apart and no matter how hard I try I can’t put myself back together. Usually I can pick up the pieces and move on but this time, I feel broken beyond repair.

[Sabio77]

Hi Smg315. its ok. its only natural to feel like you are in the difficult season. But, let me tell you that you are capable of coming out of this with victory. first things first, you need to believe in yourself. I am proud of you for being an overcomer of suicidal thoughts. That is a huge accomplishment. 2nd, there are times in life that the enemy of evil wants to kill, steel and destroy us. It goes after our weakest points, a very specific part of your life, my life, everybody's life, that matters to us the most and finds a way to tackle us like a football player. wanting to take us out. wanting to bring us to our last straw and give up. feeling like all is about to be lost and have no hope what so ever. but that is not the case. many people do not know how to fight back against such evil attacks against our minds, body, finances, work, car, family, relationships, and yes even our phones. the littlest of things it goes after. It is best to take back control of your mind. just as you did to be an overcomer of suicidal thoughts. I believe in you my friend. You are stronger than you think. Look how far you have come already. Now, keep in mind the road ahead of you if, and ONLY if, the results come back positive, you can make it thru. choose joy my friend. tell yourself out loud that you are worthy. you are valuable, you CAN make it thru this. another point to keep in mind, be a peacemaker, choosing to have self-control and accepting what you do not have control over. and change your mindset to ONLY positive thinking.

please feel free to send me messages to my email. [e-mail]. I have a filter on my email only certain ones come thru. I will allow yours. if you choose to further communication. Im not a doctor, or a company, just a friend who has been thru a lot and knows what works. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for becoming an overcomer once again. You can, just speak it out loud to yourself and mean it. It works for me. It can work for you my new friend. hugs of encourangement. smiles of inspiration.

[Sabio77]

if you are watching the ufc like I am right now.... who do you want to win ?

Now, here is something to think about.... what were you doing, thinking, saying or going, or drinking or eating, who you are with, when you started to feel the anxiety attack. if you can remember that, it will help you try to become more aware of what to avoid and try to work towards taking back control of your mind and body. it is not easy at first but, if you really try at it, and write a journal or mental note, you can overcome the fear, worry, and depression, and yes, even anxious thoughts. You can feel it come upon you but no longer overwhelm you, making you the overcomer and not the victim of the dark evil forces of this world we live in today. Believe in yourself, focus on positive thinking. speak out loud, that you are worthy, you are valuable, you CAN do this!! you will soon find yourself feeling better. one step at a time, one day at a time. hugs of encouragement, smiles of inspiration my friend.

[b1b1b1]

Waiting for test results is torture. I would talk to your doctor and tell him/her how anxious you are. Can the doctor expedite your tests and get the results to you sooner? You may also want to discuss with the doctor what happens if the results are positive. MDs are not to eager to talk about "what ifs", but may be able to give you some general reassurance. Also, this might be a good time to take some tranquilizers.

[Smg315 in reply to b1b1b1]

I am currently seeing a cancer specialist and I have to wait until at least Tuesday to get any answers 😔

[b1b1b1 in reply to Smg315]

At least it's Sunday now, so the wait is shorter. What about tranquilizers? I am pretty sure the doctor would prescribe them. It is also good that you are already seeing a cancer specialist. That puts you ahead so you don't have to start looking around for one in the event the tests are positive -- which they may well NOT be. xx

[Ann10]

It makes sense that you are having difficulty waiting for your test results. You will have to take one day at a time.