No matter what i do or take or believe, my depression comes back. I feel my self esteem, self image, my confidence, my knowledge etc is low. I feel like im not getting anywhere. Like im just disappointing and I have no love.
I think of hurting others a lot.
I think of not being human anymore. Like maybe I need to be another organism or not exist anymore. I just want to be a memory. I feel like im not making the world better.
Sigh.
I'm feeling sad for your sadness & hurts. I don't know your age, and I'm wondering whether you experienced any abuse in the past; perhaps physical, emotional, verbal, even sexual abuse? I have a lot of love to give, and definitely have ALWAYS given way too much. I believe this became a "learned behavior" of mine, in trying to FIND & feel loved by my Mother, Siblings, and then with friends & relationships. Perhaps in your life, as in mine, others told you they loved you, but then showed quite the opposite through forms of abuse. Over the years it multiplies & takes its toll. I also constantly struggle to stay positive with my self confidence, self esteem, self image. I feel as if I must be different than others. I am so noticing & caring of others' pain, disappointments, etc. But, they act so "relaxed", almost as if they are numb and oblivious to so much! I don't (outwardly) do things to hurt myself or others, but at times I wonder if perhaps I'm trying to "destroy" myself, or am I "willing" myself to die? My thought there is: if No One wants me, cares about me, loves me........then I must NOT be worth it, and then WHY should I keep struggling so very hard with me!!?? I feel a lot of anger inside me, anger about no one loving me, caring about me, having time for me, etc. **Also, I've found that it seems like once others find out you've been hurt, abused, etc., then THEY see you as "Less", and think it is OK, if THEY hurt you too!!! Yes, I've talked about it in counseling, but since I was a little girl, so much hurt & damage has been done. I don't hurt others; I just keep pushing it all inward.........and hurting myself. I want/need so badly to tell others how badly they've hurt me, but I don't, I just suck it in, because they will just get upset, and leave me alone. But, now I guess it doesn't matter, I AM All Alone. So, maybe I should just let out my pain & hurt. I just don't know anymore..........
Yeah i completely understand you. It just hurts. Ive grown numb to it
Thank you for your response. It's nice to know someone understands You and Me. I do know how badly it hurts; I wish I could physically reach out and give you a Big HUG! I actually wish I could "grow numb" to it, but every time I try, it just comes back at me. I've got to find other answers, and I really hope you can too. Forgive me if I went on too much about what I feel & experience. I don't really have anyone to share with, and I just needed to vent. Please, If you ever need to share, I'm here for you. 
No you didn't go on too much..you hit the nail...I understand both of you..I am the same..I have so much love to give..I also have so much anger for the same reasons as above..it's taken its toll on my esteem, self confidence and image.. your right, the love that you expect from your mother, siblings etc..only to turn sour, this is what gets me..they stopped me by pouring out my love to them..and everything is turned against me, abuse, emotional abuse..Ive carried this from young child aswell..they've hurt me so much and yes, I keep it inside me..I think this is why I'm like this now..sad and depressed..where as the true loving me cannot be expressed and it's taken over my whole life..and yep, it hurts..I'm here for both of you too..
Thanks. Really needed this. I keep feeling hurt over and over again daily. Im not where i want to be in life. Im grateful but most of the time i feel like nothings good anymore
You are not alone. We understand. Some days are better than others. Recently, I read "The Anxiety Cure" and it helped me try some new strategies. You might want to check it out. bit.ly/2etHIpo Hope you are feeling better today. Please believe there is hope for our anxiety and depression.
Fearful thoughts and feelings and a huge lack of motivation
Realization of depression
school stress on top of my depression and anxiety
i was leaving but theres people here that help
