I'm tired of smiling

[JaylinAmeliaSnyder]

Some days I wish someone would see through all the lies and the bs and realize that I'm not fine. I'm slowly deteriorating and one day I am going to disappear into oblivion. But that's okay because at least I smiled everyday just so I wouldn't have to hear the words "are you okay?" because no one wants a real answer when they ask, they just feel obligated to because if they don't it makes that a "bad person."

[Hidden]

Yes, most of the day is just suffering in silence.

[JaylinAmeliaSnyder in reply to Hidden]

Yeah exactly, I don't even think my friends realize how bad it is sometimes

[fauxartist]

your not alone here.... and you don't have to smile here.... just say it like you feel it and know that your pain is a valid as anyone's and here you have a voice. No judgement just support....

[JaylinAmeliaSnyder in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you I'm glad I finally found somewhere I can be myself, and actually say what I'm feeling

[fauxartist in reply to JaylinAmeliaSnyder]

welcome.... this is the place for sure....

[Aleuqam]

I felt this wholeheartedly. I am the outgoing person in the group. I’m the one that is protective and nurturing and making everyone laugh, so when im portrayed as this person, it’s hard to not smile or not wanna talk bc i definitely hate the “are you ok?” Question as well. But having to always be that person when i feel the complete opposite is hard. I wish someone out here, just really knew how i felt and said girl it’s gonna be ok. And talk with me ya know?

[JaylinAmeliaSnyder in reply to Aleuqam]

Yes I totally get it it's the same with me and my friends I'm the glue that basically holds us all together so I can't afford to have a bad day let alone a bad week or month. It just feels like so much pressure all the time. For once I just wish my friends would realize I'm barely holding on

[Eowyn7]

I felt like this a lot years ago. I would be so angry that no one noticed how much pain I was in. I felt like if someone noticed, that would make the pain go away. It took a long time to realize that being angry for people not reading my mind wasn't helping, and that I had to speak up for myself. Even though it sucks and doesn't make things better right away. I hope you can be honest with at least one person about how you are feeling.

[JaylinAmeliaSnyder in reply to Eowyn7]

It's not that I always hide it, I've tried talking to my friends about it but they just act like it never happened because that way they don't feel like they have to worry about me

[Eowyn7 in reply to JaylinAmeliaSnyder]

I'm sorry. I don't know why they would pretend like that, maybe they have their own issues? But you don't have to hold it in all the time to make other people comfortable. Your feelings count too! It's good you can tell people on here at the very least

[JaylinAmeliaSnyder in reply to Eowyn7]

It definitely helps to know that there are other people that understand what I'm feeling and going through

[countryboy1]

JaylinAmerliaSnyder, I empatize with you since you aren't doing well. I do have some questions for you.

1. What are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you seeing a therapist?

2. How are you coping with your issues?

3. Do you practise self care? Do you laugh often? Are you getting sleep?

4. Is it wise for you to continue pretending everything is ok if there aren't. Is there anyone with whom you can talk frankly?

[JaylinAmeliaSnyder in reply to countryboy1]

I'm not seeing a therapist anymore, I grew up in therapy and I didn't find that it helped. I try to laugh pretty often and have a good time but sometimes it's hard to find a reason worth smiling and laughing. I'd like to think I can talk to my mom about these things pretty openly but it only helps so much because she doesn't really understand how I'm feeling no matter how much I try to explain it.

[countryboy1 in reply to JaylinAmeliaSnyder]

Well please just know that I care about your well being. For me this community is a help. I write out my feelings and getting them out helps me alot. Also I suggest you talk to your mom, honestly and openly, even if she doesn't understand you, getting things off your chest may help you.

[JaylinAmeliaSnyder in reply to countryboy1]

Thank you, I do talk to her often. Even though she doesn't totally get it she does everything she can to help me. And the support that I'm already getting from other people on here, it helps knowing I'm not alone.