My mind is overwhelmed with thoughts. Anyone who'd be willing to talk to me would be turned off by the spider web of a brain I've got. I've held so much in for so long that these emotions inside me are almost unbearable anymore. I wish I had someone I could just poor my heart out to. It would feel amazing to get rid of these feelings. At the same time, I wouldn't even know where to start.
My little sister is coming out to visit me in October. I'm lucky if to see her once a year. She’s stationed in Virginia as a part of the US Navy. She’s the only family I have left in my life (out of my own choice). Last time she came out, she didn't even let me know she was here till halfway through her visit, so I didn't get to see her. I was heartbroken. She stays with my dad (an evil man) when she comes to stay. I guess I should be thankful she’s coming to stay with me a few days this time, I guess. I feel like she just feels bad about last time and that she doesn’t actually want to see me. I asked her what she wanted to do while she was here visiting and she asked me if she could see her friend. Is that not a slap across the face or am I over-thinking it?
My dad has been out of my life for over two years now. Definitely not out of mind. In fact my past with him haunts me in flashbacks and dreams. I cannot escape him, I never told my dad I was moving out. To be fair, I couldn’t because every night I came home from word, he immediately start laying into me. “Why didn’t you clean the sink out after you washed the dishes?!”, “Why did you close the door so hard?!” Anything he could come up with to yell at me for. Home was a nightmare.
I remember slashing my wrists with plastic combs for years till I upgraded to the real thing. (Before you judge me), the comb left more scars than the knife did, I remember tears streaming down my face as those sharp ends sliced into my skin. I was getting what I deserved and that gave me satisfaction. I’ve always beat myself up over every little thing I do wrong; for hours non-end. It only seems to get worse. I’ve always wondered if other people constantly talk to themselves in their own head. It’s my voice, usually tearing myself into a million little pieces- All day- Everyday. I cannot escape myself.
I’ve been on this site for a couple weeks now and I have only posted once. Mostly because everything I type, I end up deleting. This post here has been in work now for a few days. I feel like no one cares anyway… No one in my life cares to know what’s going on in this head of mind. It’s too much going on all the time. It’s getting to the point where I just want to beat my head into the wall. I’m so frustrated with myself.
Anyone here want to talk to me? Be my friend? Like a REAL friend. Talk to me on a daily basis. Get to know me and me get to know you? Please?