A bad couple of weeks...

[Tikirob]

I separated from my girlfriend, lost my iPhone, got two tickets on my car, lost my iCloud backup with all my art in it, found out that both my great grand parents hung themselves, moved to a friends place who yelled at me for being lazy, then on my first day there I saw a dog get killed by a car. Yet, I can write, I can see, I can taste, I can walk, I lived 44 years, I swam in the ocean, went to a beautiful concert, and found this website. I filed for disability but feel a guilt in that. I lost my job over a year ago, because my OCD was so bad and I was being bullied at work making it bad. I stopped drinking fluids, only ate food that was fried to kill all germs. I often ran out of clean clothes and had to improvise by wearing upside down t shirts tied into a knot on the side. I used up our towels and soap in a couple of days. I drank only scalding hot coffee once a day as my fluids. Yet I felt guilty because I knew their are many physically disabled people that go through a hell I can’t imagine. So what is mental disability? I am reading a biography on Vangogh’s life. It’s incredible so far. He was not able to make a go of anything successful and at 27 was poor, desolute, being nursed by others, and perhaps mentally battling a war all the time. It wasn’t until his brother Theo helped him that he was able to paint those paintings that the world admires. I am looking for a Theo...but I am trying to get better. In 3 years of battling ocd in NYC I can only say that the system of finding treatment made my symptoms worse and opened my eyes to how poor our mental healthcare system is in America. It favors the rich and ‘handles’ the poor. There is no residential OCD facility in NY state. I wrote and complained to Commisioners and Officials here only to be fingerprinted to worthless leads that the parties were consciously giving to me knowing they would go nowhere. So I gave up. 3 years and no place to be treated, no legal charges filed against my work for pushing me out of my job, no mental health advocates working with me to help after all my pleas. I took Luvox went to 3 affordable teaching hospitals, spent 7000 at one private care facility, and they took the money just to help me maintain my mental state. NAMI, International OCD, charitable agencies meant for helping people like me, just gave me the same bureaucratic answers as the city and state and did not follow up.

So maybe I have ability but I don’t have the luck; to apply to an art or a purpose is something I would like. I think about my great grandparents both hanging themselves and it scares me. Did the world ignore them too? Is it a bad couple of weeks or a bad attitude, I just needed to reach out thanks for reading.

[morenews]

O boy, you are going thru a difficult time, and you tried to get help ...and it is not easy to do as you have described. And healthcare here is getting more and more expensive, and who suffers most? the ones who can not afford it in the first place. I hear you , friend. I am trying to help myself in a few health issues ...and not go to the doctors too often, because i can not afford it. I am picking and choosing what to treat and what can wait. and it is not fair, it is not even clothes ...or entertainment or travel...it is needed ...i am not young anymore and get more health issues than before. The book you are reading . Is this "Lust for life"? I loved that book. Well, regardless of Theo help, he ended up badly But gave us astonishing art.

I guess we need to be Theos for ourselves.

Support and hugs to you!

[Tikirob in reply to morenews]

Yes Lust for Life!!! I was having such trouble crying even when I wanted to then I picked up the book from my friends bookshelf and 30 minutes later I am crying, then ten pages more tears, it felt so good to feel them on my face. To know that struggle is felt by all and I am just a little man in a big well of want. Thanks for your response, I hope your health can be found in happiness and good things come your way.

[Hidden]

I am almost speechless; you are incredibly strong. I pray that the Lord God comfort you, I am asking Him to wrap His arms around you and give you peace. I pray that you meet someone who will be there for you during this time who will give you the support that you need. I pray that you encounter compassion, kindness, goodness, and understanding as you continue on life’s journey. I hope you find the assistance you need with medical assistance, and better living arrangements. Remain hopeful it will begin to come together for you.

[Tikirob in reply to Hidden]

Thanks, I appreciate the prayers!

[Hidden]

You are incredibly strong. Keep fighting. Your story is an inspiration.

[Tikirob]

Thanks!! And !

[Hidden]

The mental health where I am in the UK is terrible too. Sorry you're having a bad couple of weeks xx

[Tikirob]

I used to go on UK sites for OCD peer help. It seems that people are more accepting of it but that if you live in the country side it’s really hard to get any help. I hope both our countries start realizing how important mental health is.