I separated from my girlfriend, lost my iPhone, got two tickets on my car, lost my iCloud backup with all my art in it, found out that both my great grand parents hung themselves, moved to a friends place who yelled at me for being lazy, then on my first day there I saw a dog get killed by a car. Yet, I can write, I can see, I can taste, I can walk, I lived 44 years, I swam in the ocean, went to a beautiful concert, and found this website. I filed for disability but feel a guilt in that. I lost my job over a year ago, because my OCD was so bad and I was being bullied at work making it bad. I stopped drinking fluids, only ate food that was fried to kill all germs. I often ran out of clean clothes and had to improvise by wearing upside down t shirts tied into a knot on the side. I used up our towels and soap in a couple of days. I drank only scalding hot coffee once a day as my fluids. Yet I felt guilty because I knew their are many physically disabled people that go through a hell I can’t imagine. So what is mental disability? I am reading a biography on Vangogh’s life. It’s incredible so far. He was not able to make a go of anything successful and at 27 was poor, desolute, being nursed by others, and perhaps mentally battling a war all the time. It wasn’t until his brother Theo helped him that he was able to paint those paintings that the world admires. I am looking for a Theo...but I am trying to get better. In 3 years of battling ocd in NYC I can only say that the system of finding treatment made my symptoms worse and opened my eyes to how poor our mental healthcare system is in America. It favors the rich and ‘handles’ the poor. There is no residential OCD facility in NY state. I wrote and complained to Commisioners and Officials here only to be fingerprinted to worthless leads that the parties were consciously giving to me knowing they would go nowhere. So I gave up. 3 years and no place to be treated, no legal charges filed against my work for pushing me out of my job, no mental health advocates working with me to help after all my pleas. I took Luvox went to 3 affordable teaching hospitals, spent 7000 at one private care facility, and they took the money just to help me maintain my mental state. NAMI, International OCD, charitable agencies meant for helping people like me, just gave me the same bureaucratic answers as the city and state and did not follow up.
So maybe I have ability but I don’t have the luck; to apply to an art or a purpose is something I would like. I think about my great grandparents both hanging themselves and it scares me. Did the world ignore them too? Is it a bad couple of weeks or a bad attitude, I just needed to reach out thanks for reading.
But gave us astonishing art. 
Never told anyone...how bad my anxiety or depression is.
Can’t function right now - Really bad 
Newbie. Scared I’m going crazy. 
Money worries
