Depression

[Amory_100]

I always hate myself because I feel like I’m disappointing everyone. My mom has been diagnosed with lymphoma cancer, so I feel guilty and regretful that I haven’t been a better daughter.

[Bebes2mommies2006]

I read this book that argued that shame is a useless emotion. They went back talkihg about how love, anger, and fear were necessary in our evolution but shame? shame is useless.

[hypercat54]

Hi so sorry to hear about your poor mum. The first thing you need to do is stop 'hating' yourself. Using emotive language like that is counter productive. You didn't know your mother was going to get ill did you so why beat yourself up about a past you can't change. All you can do is learn from it for the future.

Now is not the time to be focusing on your own feelings or perceived inadequacies, but solely on your mum so don't let that interfere with being there for her. She needs her daughter now more than ever so do your best for her. Be aware too that you are doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances as this is the best way to forestall regrets. After all best is best and even if it's rubbish no one can expect more of you than that.

When my mother (she died at 90 in a care home) was near the end my eldest sister who only ever thinks about herself, was busy feeling inadequate and unhappy and going on about it. For the first time ever I turned round to her and told her I didn't have the time or energy to deal with her issues as all my thoughts were on our mother. She was my only focus and would never have allowed myself to be side tracked. x

[rach1402]

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. No child asks to be born and as parents we understand that nobody is perfect, however much we idolize our children. Babies are born helpless and depend on their mothers for everything. As they grow, they begin to exert some independence, first in the form of toddler tantrums and later as teenagers. These are challenging times for both, but you and your mother both made it through together, taking the rough with the smooth. As you grow up, you're learning every day, even as an adult you still learn how to be a better person all the time. It sounds like this awful news has brought it home to you how we could all be better people from time to time. Maybe as a child or teenager you and your mother didn't always see eye to eye, I would be surprised if you're the only one of the two of you who wishes they had done things differently. It's likely she's also looking back and wishing she had made some decisions differently, maybe she even thinks she should have been a better daughter to her own mother. A shock like that makes you see things differently and sometimes change your path in life. If there's something you want to change from today it's not too late. Never underestimate a mother's capacity to forgive, accept and love their child x

[MomLeslieM]

Armory I'm so sorry you feel that you have disappointed everyone. That is the depression talking and not reality - you were made for a purpose and are a very special, loved person. If you have hurt others by your actions or things you have said go to them and apologize and restart the relationship - especially right now with your Mom. Maybe in your eyes you haven't been a good daughter up to now but you can change that -- be the daughter that you want to be now in the time you have left with your Mom. We can't change the past but we CAN change the PRESENT and the FUTURE.

[pam4him]

So sorry to hear about your mother. However, you are not to blame for her illness. It's not easy, I've been in similar spots. But I've had to decide to wallow in self-induced imaginary guilt, or strive to make every moment count. No child is perfect, but you can be there for her now, which is one medicine no pharmacy can recreate - love, knowing someone is there with you through the tough times. Try not to worry about what was, but instead focus on what is. Prayers for peace and strength for you, and healing for mom.