Haunted

[courage_50]

When your mother tells you that you were a mistake & were never supposed to be born... those words still haunt me, and I’m 50 years old. Feelings of worthlessness... not being able to love myself... even with therapy it’s still hard at times to believe that I’m worthy & loved. Having borderline personality disorder makes life even harder for me at times. Today is one of those days. Wanting to use bad behaviors is a real struggle this morning. Trying to deal with the emotional pain, crying till I can’t cry anymore. Not a good morning 😭😭😭

[Michael8072]

I am sorry your having a bad day. I couldn't imagine anyone saying those words to me. You are a strong person and have come a long way since then. Continue to stay strong. I hope you can find something nice to do today and distract you from your thoughts. Hugs

[courage_50 in reply to Michael8072]

Thank you, I really appreciate that! I will find a way to distract myself, I am a very strong person who has come a long way. I’ve tried not to let her have the power with those words but some days are harder than others. Hugs 🤗 back

[Fatima_sh]

The sad thing about parents is that they sometimes say things in a spurt of anger that they don’t mean.

I’ve always heard “you’re stupid, you’re careless, you’re useless”...etc, but I learned to say whatever and throw it behind my back, because no one knows me better than I do !

You’re a wonderful human being, you’re beautiful, you’re amazing, you’re one of a kind and the world is a better place because of a gem like you !

Love yourself ♥️

[courage_50 in reply to Fatima_sh]

I wish she would have said that in a spurt of anger, unfortunately she decided to make it a running family joke. I heard it my whole entire life, over & over. Everyone thought it was funny but it stuck with me. I know that I am an amazing person, I wouldn’t still be here if I wasn’t! I’ve had multiple suicide attempts, multiple overdoses, but yet still here I am so I was most definitely NOT a mistake!!! I have a purpose here. There are days/moments when I forget that purpose. When the emotional & physical pain of this world gets to be too much. When I get soooo tired of working at it every single day. When it feels like we are all alone on this journey & no one understands how hard it is to “have” a mental illness/disorder. Sorry, didn’t mean to go off like that!! Thank you for responding! It means a lot to me!!! You are awesome 👏😊

[Fatima_sh in reply to courage_50]

No one is a mistake, of the 200 million sperms you were the one who made it and won the race, so HAAAAAAH jokes on them ! (Science 💥🤯)

What matters is that you know your worth, we’ll see where their hate and attitude takes them in life.

You’re awesome as well my friend, thanks for winning that race ! 😂♥️

[Hidden]

My mother said the same to me and it lead to a life filled with physical, sexual, emotional abuse as well as severe depression, anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, eating disorders... I have a history of self mutilation for coping, alcoholism, so I totally get how those words alone can have such a traumatic effect. So many times I'd be in tears and tell myself if I wasnt wanted, never meant to be born, theres no reason to be here, so why stay? And people say "you have to live for your dad, your children..." and for that I call bullshit. I believe you should never want to die for someone else and how they make you feel. The bottom line for me was always feeling empty inside, not one person's contributions to that. And I believe living in pain for another person is a cruel way to live.

As an attempt survivor, and I do think of it often - I live for me. I'm here for me. Things are still incredibly rough, but I find one thing a day to live for even if it's so ridiculous most people would laugh, it gets me through the day and if I have to do the next tomorrow, i do. I have to see how they end The Walking Dead before I die! I got tired of the show season 7 but I still need to know how it ends. My best friend passed due to tuberculosis before seeing the finale of Angel, she loved that show, so I will see my zombie show end!

Your mom may not have planned or wanted you, I proved to mine (who is cut out of my life for being toxic), I am smarter, more successful, and a far better asset to this world than she is. Dont let those words bring you down, turn them around and change the game, because you're here for a reason. Even if just to help us all get our stories out, share, help eachother, that's huge. You've already had an impact on my day!

[courage_50 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for replying & sharing! It helps so so much! I have found my strength in different ways & I found Dialectical Behavior Therapy 3 years & it changed my life. I think it might be time for a refresher course! I use distraction to help get me through, and deep breathing. Sounds silly but it works for me. And I break my day down into hours/minutes/seconds. And make that work for me!!! So if it’s one second at a time then so be it!!! As long as I stay present then that’s all that matters. No one else has the power but me. Bad days, bad moments happen. Sharing with people like y’all helps me get through them! I’m amazed at how much it’s helped & I am so grateful I’ve found y’all!!!! 💕💕💕

[Hidden]

I'm grateful you're here! Things that make me feel silly is our common place. I recently spent 10 days inpatient and DBT/Mindfullness was a huge focus. I dont do well with deep breathing as I have lung disease but I'm grateful my fitbit has deep breathing relaxation built in should I panic in public! At home for basic anxiety attacks I distract myself by overloading myself sensory wise. Treadmill + singing + focusing on lyrics. Or singing + focus + scribbling in a journal or on my sketchbook. I have a sketchbook that looks like a psychopath owns it that just says "DONT THINK" all over the entire page, but it did help me keep from thinking about the negativity that leads to that dark place. Unfortunately Rx medication can only do so much and it is almost a full time job finding what works at a given moment. That's why sometimes I feel this place is home more than my real home. Far more support and motivation, people who understand, people who want you to keep breathing another day. 😚

[courage_50 in reply to Hidden]

Yay! Someone who knows DBT Skills! Lol! I haven’t studied mine in forever obviously so I really need to go back! I also bought the Cognitive Behavior Therapy books because they are recommended for ppl with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have so many co-occurring disorders it’s almost funny 😆! I love love love to journal! I found one for my iPad that you can password and I love it to so if I’m traveling I don’t have to take my journal with me. You can print from the app which is nice because I sometimes write poems (they are pretty dark though), there’s other features too & im pretty sure it’s free. It’s called Chronicle. I like to color, and play games on my iPad. I also crochet. Music, oh how music speaks to my soul when I’m feeling down!!! I love your distraction skills! They are awesome!!!

[Hidden]

Look for an app called DBT companion. I had referenced it for a short bit, but have the luxury of having gone to college for psych as well and my youngest has autism/borderline my oldest bipolar/aspergers. You're right about the collection of disorders. Like a coin collection, I have my ancient coin of childhood abuse and trauma issues, the newer depression, can flip that coin to see if I'm going to have a good day, the coin that always gets lost is my avoidant one...

Music is my #1 go to, exercise and writing are a close second. Movies/great old films also help distract me. I had other great ones but they know remind me of my ex who is a current source of depression so I avoid those!

[courage_50 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! Sounds like you have your hands full! My girls are all grown, with their own mental health issues, thanks to me & the ex! But since getting healthier I try to help them if they are willing, lol. I learned to see boundaries & get rid of toxic people, which was most of my family. I have fibromyalgia which the pain causes its own set of problems. So I’m on an endless roller coaster. I’ve lost track of my focus lately. Shame on me. I’ll get it back! 🤞🤞🤞

[Hidden]

My older son is with me and hes for the most part self sufficient, but extremely resistent to getting back in therapy. He doesnt believe he needs it, but were currently going through an episode where he believes he had dissociative personality disorder (he does not), hes overspending, super elated all of the time, not sleeping... it's the bipolar and he self medicates with street drugs. He knows that isnt allowe in my house so he just wont come home. His biological father had bipolar and did the same, he died of a heroin overdose in 2011. He never met his son, he was homeless, using illicit drugs, stealing from his family, I keep hoping hearing it over and over again will make my son agree to go to therapy. My youngest was having an episode 2 years back and got mad at me for asking her to do a few chores to help me, it was no longer all about her. She went to her father's and never came back. He is unaccepting of her disorders and does not believe they exist. Last I heard he kicked her out and she lives "on a main street somewhere." She sends me cryptic emails that make no sense and are scary (asking for clothes for the apocalypse), I checked with the pharmacy and she stopped her mood stabilizers and anti psychotic medication in April. I tried getting our mobile crisis team to find and evaluate her, but they couldnt find her. There is much animosity between me and my ex husband!

Medical problems do not help at all. I have lung disease, heart problems, severe chronic migraines... until recently I was literally in bed about 20 hours a day. Certainly didnt hepp. I got this idea getting up, getting fit would help me get my ex (boyfriend not husband!) Back. No luck with that but I feel tons better physically and emotionally for it.

They say it takes 66 days for a habit to form, for me my house was wallpapered with post it's to remind me to do things. Hasnt made me able to focus all of the time, but making some things part of my daily routine has helped. I just find it I forget or miss something I get a little bit more depressed than i should because i feel like I've failed myself. Not so much a win win fix but it had helped

[courage_50 in reply to Hidden]

Oh wow!!! That’s tough! I’m so sorry! You are so strong! And an inspiration to me!!! I am a perfectionist, I am very hard on myself, I figured out it’s probably because my parents didn’t even care what I did, no expectations, they let me quit school when I was 16. They just gave up on me, I was the baby of the family, I had 5 older siblings. My mom hated girls, told me that to my face. So anyway, I try so hard to do things right, but I always end up feeling like a failure. I made a vision board recently to help with that, my mantra is “Progress not Perfection “! Lol Thanks for sharing parts of your story, like I said, you inspire me!! I would like to keep in touch on here! I think we have a lot to learn from each other! Oh! I downloaded that app!!! 👍👍👍 Good luck with your kids, sending good vibes your way!

[Hidden in reply to courage_50]

Absolutely, write anytime. I too am a perfectionist. Bad OCD as a result of my past issues. Not that it's all bad to clean but when you cant sleep for days over it.... I just about did cartwheels because my boxed order full of cleaning supplies just came in! Lol. And yeah, my parents let me drop school and I was on track for med school, flying through high school with amazing grades, then another assault and they didnt see or want to see it. My mother also abused me. Instead of want to help they wanted me out, I believe my mom feared I would rat out her behavior. So I've been on my own a lot and its hurt me dearly but also given me a lot of strength I didn't know I had.

[Benny3221]

This is horrible because that’s how kids grow up to be dysfunctional. Words can cut deep and last a life time. I don’t know why or what caused her to say these hurtful words to their own child, but this is pretty sick. At the time your mom said those hurtful words towards you was she dealing with deep personal issues? Most of the times this is the case. Still though if that’s true you don’t deserve this. Don’t blame yourself for your disorders or behaviors because you didn’t cause them its most likely others fault. If we were loved, appreciated, and respected I don’t think any of us would suffer from any type of mental disorders. Most of the mental disorders we suffer from are from childhood abuse, neglect, bullying ,abandonment, toxic relationships, narcissistic people, dysfunctional families, and etc..... it’s understandable that to this day you still feel the pain and confusion because any normal human being would too. I’m sending you some love and comfort. If you need to talk just hit me up or anyone of us take good care and sorry for your misfortunes.

[courage_50 in reply to Benny3221]

Thank you... I have no idea what was in my mother’s head when she said that. She said it to my older sister too. She’s six years older than me. Both of us were products of birth control gone bad. But for whatever reason my mother decided to blame us. She only wanted 4 kids. My sister is an alcoholic. I can’t talk to my mom, she tries to say it was just a joke. And she’s in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s so any hopes of closure for me is gone now. I can totally go back to my childhood & my first marriage and see where my disorders came to life. It sucks. But I’m very grateful for everyone here. Y’all are so awesome! ❤️❤️❤️

[Benny3221]

I feel you. I was bullied pretty badly by my co workers and supervisor when I was working so long story short I finally gathered the courage to talk to them about it online they told me it was just a joke too lol.....guess I’ll never get some closure as well:/ that feeling sucks knowing they did wrong but won’t even try to apologize or let alone talk about it. I wish I can make you, me, and everyone feel alright but all I got is some comforting words and someone who also understands best wishes hopefully one day we both will find peace.

[courage_50 in reply to Benny3221]

That’s tough... we have to find peace & closure on our own. That’s a work in progress for me so I hope you can find it too. I’m sorry you were bullied, that makes me very upset! I have hope that all will balance in the end. Hang in there!

[Benny3221 in reply to courage_50]

Forsure you hang in there too we all are weathering this stormy weather together in different places best of wishes to us all

[Sillysausage234]

Takes courage to share personal stuff 🦋🌞🍀

[Amelua]

Whatever you feel, just be aware that you're not alone. I've been through the same words that you say your mother told you. Mine, when she was told that I was depressed, even would come out giving me the remedies or methods in which I could go commit suicide. That's why, to this day, I'm all on my own. I have no family. I don't seek nobody and neither does anyone seek me. And on the other hand I've seeked los of help to deal with deression and anxiety, but wosre thing is: my epilepsy antiseizure drugs help bring on depression, antidepressants provoke me seizures. So just like you said: what light at the end of the tunnel should I seek. There's gonna be negativity of somekind anyhow. Take Care. Your Not Alone.

[courage_50 in reply to Amelua]

Thank you for reaching out to me. My post doesn’t represent how I feel 24/7. Some days I actually have hope in this world. I have faith in myself, I work hard to get better. It sounds like life is hard for you and hasn’t been fair to you and for that I am very sorry. I don’t like to hear about ppl not having any support system or family or friends. But you have a support system here, and you have friends here now. You are strong! You are a survivor! Never give up! You are so worthy!!! Don’t ever forget that! Thank you for reminding me that I’m never alone ❤️❤️❤️