Sister is Bipolar, hostile. How can I still interact with her and my niece?

[TheMicrobe]

My younger sister (21 y/o) is Bipolar, does not take medication, and has always been a bit hostile. She viciously verbally abused me growing up, mixed with periods where she showered me with compliments, gifts, and ideas that she would make me into a star, a celebrity, an artist, a genius, etc. I was passive, and now we live apart. She's much more mature, but still has the same attitudes and patterns, though at a much lower scale. I need to protect myself, but also want to be in her life, especially since she has a child and is pregnant again. Tips for setting boundaries while still trying to help??

[Hidden]

That sounds like a tough one. I can tell you love your sister and really want to have a relationship with her. Perhaps limiting how long your visits are with her may head off any confrontation?

[Rick1on1]

Hi - I think you need to think about and decide what those boundaries are.

Think of it as 3 levels:

1. take it easy sister

2. you are going to cross the line sister

3. you've crossed the line sister

Have a frank conversation with your sister about what she has done to you in the past and how it made you feel. Then lay down the "law of the land" - these are the rules and if she does not abide by them - then it's her loss.

Being bipolar is a serious condition and she should be taking meds for it. I'm not sure you can do anything more than that.

I think it's important for her to understand that you cant and wont be her punching bag when she needs to "blow a gasket".

[TheMicrobe in reply to Rick1on1]

Thanks for the guideline. As an example for how it usually goes, she tells me all the time to come over. Last time I did, I thought things went great, then she yells at me to get away from her, stop being so condescending, and if I want to barge in and tell her how to run her life then I can just leave and never come back. So I tell her I love her and leave. It won't last, she'll come around. But I'm not pushing to be in her life in the meantime.

[LovelySnow in reply to TheMicrobe]

Sounds like you did what you could - let her know you care but remove yourself from the situation. I hope things get better for you both.

[Rick1on1 in reply to TheMicrobe]

I agree that you have done your share to mend and keep the relationship going. Balls in her court - but be sure that she is trying to help herself - else it's going to be a cycle.

[LovelySnow]

Like Here_am_I said, that is a big question and it is clear you want to be there for your sister. And like Rick1on1 said, boundaries are crucial and medicine can help. Keep in mind, of course, that none of us are therapists/doctors. Read our advice/suggestions and take what is good for you and your family.

There are some videos on YouTube, "Polar Warriors" that I've found to be pretty accurate (I have coped with a milder form of bipolar). The creator is NOT a doctor, but has had bipolar for years. He made these videos based on his experiences and research. He has videos about caring for those with bipolar, and one on anger & rage - maybe helpful for your sister??

You can also check out this website for more resources: ibpf.org (The International Bipolar Foundation).

Best wishes to all of you.

[MT2018]

I concur with what others have written. Additionally, I would make this suggestion: How about public outings with her and your niece? I've found that most people who struggle with bi-polar (including my ex) function better in public. In other words, they've got enough control most of the time to be much more civil in public. They say things behind closed doors that they'll rarely do with others around. Just a thought. That way, you can maintain the relationships, but with less probability of outbursts. Once she stabilizes, you could go back to hanging out on home turf, so long as she maintains control. Let us know how it is going.

[Lolalu]

Hi my daughter has borderline personality or some mixture of difficult M/H issues. I have repeatedly tried to have a functioning relationship with her and just cannot. The hostility and constant abuse is making me sick, and i already have a terminal illness, she stresses me out so much after one of our conflicts I cant even get out of bed the next day. I have had to cut off our relationship many times just to recover. I don't have the answers for dealing with ppl with severe M/H, but I can sympathize with you. I also have anxiety and when relationships are not in harmony it triggers my anxiety. I think I will try a in person support group see if that helps, I have also reached out to a counselor to see if she can give some support and suggestions.

[Hidden]

what about doing an outdoor activity together, I would say rock climbing since you rock climb but that wouldn't make since since shes pregnant. Maybe learning something new together to share an experience of some sort?