Something I've been going through lately. Hope you give it a read. Have you felt the same?

[Purpleroom21]

Have you ever loved someone so much to the point you lose them? Have you ever pushed every single person away because you can't handle having any kind of relationship in fear of being hurt/hurting the other person. Knowing you want them. You need them in your life but you still push. You find every possible reason why they shouldn't be in your life. Then. You cut them off. Just like that. Usually with no explanation. Some how explaining the situation hurts more. Because you know to the other person you sound crazy and you can feel them getting tired of you. Tired of your insecureness, tired of you're anxiousness, of yours ups and downs and all arounds. It hurts more to see that. To live that. Clean breaks are simpler. You feel like less of a burden. Just letting people forget about you because you're to scared to stick around. Or you just make things to damn complicated you feel you need to leave there life completely. People are happier when you're not around.. Now you're left alone. You think you're fine at first. Finding a new since of self only soon to realize you don't like this version of you either. The loneliness becomes greater. You want back what you had. You want those relationships you burnt bridges with back but you can't have them. At least not the way that they were. No one can ever look at you the same after the way you've treated them. You blame all of this on your mental illness/state. And part of it is that. The anxiety and depression you've felt for years catches up to you when not delt with properly. It comes to a point where you think it's to late. It is to late. There is no going back. You can only move forward. Forward. That's the hard part isn't it? The suicidal thoughts always kind of there. Lurking. Like a fucking cloud. "Why try" "what's the point" "you do more harm than good" "it's better if you're completely gone". All these thoughts you battle everyday. But. You keep pushing forward. You find the little reasons to keep going. You push through the hurt that you feel you bring on yourself but don't know how to reverse. "It's life" people tell you. So you build yourself strong again. Until you break again. And you repeat that cycle. For people with mental illness "it's life" means struggle. Real struggle. Don't down grade it. Do your best to recognize it and be there for that friend who keeps pushing you away. Never stop. Don't back down. They need you. They'll tell you there fine over and over again but you know better. Be kind. Be patient. Be there. Try putting yourself in there shoes. This life is hard but going through it lonely is even harder. Stay strong.

[Susan512]

Life has ups and downs, but that's the way life is. So yes we have to stay positive and be strong no matter what. 💜

[fauxartist]

People who have fears of abandonment often get over infatuated almost obsessed emotionally with 'emotionally unavailable' people. It's an odd oxymoron of wanting to be loved and loving someone, but because of the fear of being rejected or dumped... they pick people who are incapable of really being committed to us in the first place. You may want to read about 'emotional abandonment' and it's quite an eye-opening experience when you realize these patterns you have had and didn't realize it.

[Purpleroom21 in reply to fauxartist]

Sounds like something I world relate to. I'll do some research. Thank you.

[fauxartist in reply to Purpleroom21]

I think it was one of the most defining moments of my life when I finally got a therapist who told me this was my major hurdle.... and wow.... it really changed my life. It's hard work... but it's worth it....

[Purpleroom21 in reply to fauxartist]

It's funny because I think I'm drawn to people who seem to have a hard time "committing" to friendships/relationships because I see myself in them. I want to help them realize if no one else is there for them that I am. But the hard part about that is I crave that in return but don't get it. Or I do get it but I find myself wanting more. It's a complicated thing. Not even sure it makes sense.

[fauxartist in reply to Purpleroom21]

Yep... it absolutely makes sense.... I learned about this also in a group called ACOA a very long time ago,( I'm not advocating this group over any other, it's just an example of what's out there to help us).... it dealt with others from dysfunctional family's of all kinds. But the emotional abandonment was the issue... it's what instils us with this problem of abandonment issues. And we will repeat this pattern of seeking out emotionally unavailable people over and over till we get help in understanding why we keep doing it.