Feeling worthless and inadequate

[Shawshank12]

Hi. I’m 36 years old. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety since I was 22. Recently it has been a lot worse. Maybe worse than ever. I find myself insanely jealous of people who are successful. I haven’t made over 40k dollars in my life and want nothing more than to make good money and get out from under the mountain of debt I’m in. I don’t have any discernible talents. I hate that I feel this way about myself but can’t help it.

I have two great kids and two great parents. My wife of 7 years does not find me physically attractive and very rarely are we intimate. (maybe once a month) In the 8+ years we’ve been together she has initiated being intimate probably 3 times. This makes me feel extremely inadequate. I can’t seem to get past the feeling of unsuccessful and undesirable. Any tips to help would be appreciated.

[Hello_Vivi]

So sorry you are feeling this way. You sound like your self-esteem has taken a hit and depression can make us grind our self worth even further into the ground. Try to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. I understand your frustration with job and money issues. It makes things so much harder when you are struggling financially but it doesn't define you and definitely doesn't mean you aren't talented. Have you tried to talk to your wife about the lack of intimacy? I'm a female and I know I'm guilty of not initiating with my partner because of body image issues or because my depression affects my libido. It may not be that your wife is not attracted and might be an issue she herself is having. I don't know if you're seeking any treatment but if you are not that would probably help a great deal or even meeting with a life coach to help you. Best of luck and keep your head up, sending you good vibes.

[Shawshank12 in reply to Hello_Vivi]

Thanks to all that have replied. I did want to say I’ve received treatment in the past but it has been a while. It would probably be beneficial to do that again.

I have talked with my wife about the intimacy issues and she says she “doesn’t ever think about it.” Meaning she doesn’t think about sex. It doesn’t interest her. I don’t think she realizes how much it affects me but I’m too afraid to confront it thinking it will cause a fight.

Again I do appreciate the support. It has helped a lot.

[Marshall64 in reply to Shawshank12]

Your concern for intimacy is valid. If you talk to your wife, just make sure to approach it carefully and make it known to her that you are not attacking her, but just want to discuss the matter. Try to put her at ease so it doesn't start out as a fight.

[IheartDogs]

Hi there, being in debt brings on so many feelings we don't want because it is such a heavy burden. But it's possible to make a plan to get out of it. Having that plan and looking at it can also help, knowing it will be paid off at a certain point. As for your relationship with your spouse, are you able to talk abt the lack of intimacy or have you tried couples therapy? Communication is key. I hope you feel better soon.

[Hidden]

Hello Shawshank,

Money isn’t everything and certainly doesn’t make a person happy. I’m sorry that you’re unhappy and are feeling bad about yourself. Jealousy can be a rather debilitating emotion causing you and you alone misery and feelings of inadequacy. Doing your best to earn a living is all you can do. Does your wife work and help out with the bills? 2 incomes are always better than 1.

I think, from your post, that most of your bad feelings are coming from your lack of intimacy and feeling undesirable. Maybe your wife also feels undesirable and that’s why she doesn’t initiate love. Have you discussed your true feelings with her and explored her feelings as well? The two of you need to communicate about your intimacy issues even if it hurts to hear the truth about each other’s feelings. Talk honestly with her.

If I were you, I would start working on myself and improving my self-esteem. You’re not undesirable and unsuccessful! You have to believe that! Focus on your positive attributes and expound on them. Let go of negativity and embrace positivity! You are worthy and capable...give yourself a daily pep talk and believe it! I believe in you...🙂

[Raiden]

Hey mate it sounds like your beating yourself up pretty bad. Wealth is in your heart not in the bank bro i understand were your coming from, i only just started making good money this year but im twice as stressed and my anxiety is crazy. I wish i had a family to share it with your very lucky to have kids and a wife. Money has been my biggest down fall i had to many dollars and not enuff sense. Of coarse you want to give your wife and kids everything they ever wanted but kids just want a Dad. Someone whos there for them to play with them and have fun to take them camping. Im in Australia so things are abit different but growing up all i ever wanted was a football and my Dad there. If you can find happiness in yourself and in the life you live the sparks will come flying back. The number 1 thing is confidence, mine are shot to bro but sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. There probly more jealous of you bro living a humble life so stuff them. Enjoy what you have dont dwell on what you don't.