Self-Blame

[RoamingCarolyn]

I wrote a post about self blame on word press. For some reason these apps don't like conversing, so I am sharing here. Please feel free to look through my posts. I'm going to try and find a better way to share.

survivingmypain.blog/2018/0...

[fauxartist]

There is a lot of truth in your blog....one thing I will say is for my own healing I had to ....forgive myself for thinking that way for so long...for blaming, for guilt, for not loving me for exactly who I am, warts and all.

I also believe that there are mainly two types of depression I'm most familiar with, and one depression is caused by a traumatic event, loss of a child or close loved one, loss of everything in your world,heath,wealth,job, home....that kind of thing....and this kind of depression has a time frame....it takes what it takes to grieve and let go....but eventually you will move passed it.

Then there is a deep seated depression that is chemical, possibly genetic, and is in the brain, even though we produce Serotonin in the gut...the one that we lack that causes unexplained sadness and despair is in the brain. There is no cure, only coping skills. However...when you have a pre-existing condition such as depression, and you have trauma, death, loss, abuse, abandonment, PTSD, CPTSD, etc..... then that can exacerbate the depression to where your now needing healing and understanding to cope with these events on top of managing your existing depression, etc.

Everyone has their own opinions in the medical community, but by far, for myself, my understanding in therapy, and in numerous articles and stories I've read over the years, and workshops I've attended....this definition rings most true for me.

[RoamingCarolyn in reply to fauxartist]

I completely agree. I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, Anxiety and Post Traumatic Disorder. I'm a ball of stress and anxiety.

I had someone comment on one of my blog posts that was an observation about a song. The song is called "Creature Comfort" and it's by Arcade Fire. The song talks about what people go through in a depressed/anxious state. A line says, "God make me cool, if you can't just make it painless". I made the observation that when we go through all of this turmoil we just want it to be painless. But pointed out, as the song does in the line "It's not painless, she was a friend of mine..", that it's not painless because it affects others.

The reader was a newer blogger with a Christian vengeance, as I call it, and was quick to judge me. The blogger said I needed to find Jesus and God, that the reason I am so sad or anxious is because I haven't.......

My blood boiled, but I made a diplomatic response.

When you have a chemical imbalance, those words are painful. I go to therapy. I believe in God and pray. But there's a lot of things I cannot control on my own and I need medication. So, I believe that God created doctors and scientist, and God gave me my psychiatrist who helps me with what I cannot do on my own.

I have been in the deep dark pit! I have spent time in a psychiatric ward! But I still struggle every day.

My dog passed about a month ago and I have been fighting Self-Blame related to his death. My boyfriend has PTSD from some poor relationships he had in the past and when he gets upset I automatically assign myself with the blame. He and I are seeing a therapist, which is helping. I've learned to take a step back and ask him if he's upset with me or if he's going through something.

I'm writing down positive affirmations in a notebook to help me to remember I'm not to blame. Today, I wrote something from a book I'm reading down in it...

"Our culture throws broken things away, but our Savior never does. He gently gathers all the pieces, and with His love and in His time, He puts us back together."

I found those words powerful, because when you're broken you need to hear that despite the culture and offered Band-Aids, someone loves me enough to put me back together.

[fauxartist in reply to RoamingCarolyn]

My comment may be deleted as the site rules say that no religion or politics are to be at an issue here because of mutual respect for those like myself who were abused in the name of God....

But if God heals...why are so many suffering.... blame and shame are a very large part of religious rhetoric... and there just is no place for that here. Everyone has a right to their own beliefs...but to bible thump someone over the head with them, well that I do believe is called 'Judgement'...and that's God's job. You were right to stand your ground saying your beliefs....but it seems that if your thought to not believe in God....your a heretic to be burned and flamed at the proverbial stake on some of these site's. I've had enough of it in my life..... I'm here on this site to heal, tell my story, and read others stories who want to have a voice and be heard, not judged, or critiqued, or deal with any intolerance because of your sex, race, or preference. Politics and religion have always and always will be the cause of countless war and intolerance....we all only want peace here.

[RoamingCarolyn in reply to fauxartist]

Sadly... Religion and God have been misused and interpreted by people in their own ways.

Everyone is entitled to interpret everything in his/her own way. When I was told that I needed to seek God by a person on my blog it hurt. It hurts because that person thinks that throwing a scripture at me is going to help me. Basically that person said to me, "if you're not strong, then you're not doing it right". Completely dismissing my point and feelings with a verse.

I was raised Catholic, which likely has something to do with part of my self guilt, and I feel like a lot of Christians have missed the point. But then there are people that do things in His name that are not things that would be condoned.

People get lost and forget the true meaning of anything. Things become perverted and the truth gets lost.

My sister's husband has perverted the word against her to make her feel bad. To make her think she needed to stay married to a man who doesn't work and spends all of the money on drugs.

People are harsh and will bend things to fit what they want. Sadly...

[fauxartist in reply to RoamingCarolyn]

Your right...it's people that dismiss another's pain away by throwing scripture at them, and guilt trip them into feeling they are even more wrong because they are not letting God in more.....turning it over to God and letting him fix them. God is a loving god who would never do the things people do in their name to one another. God doesn't have a bank account...so giving money in those little envelopes on the pack of the pew doesn't go into the pockets of God. If you want to do Gods work, give a homeless guy or gal a sandwich and a cup of coffee.... because I guarantee you if Jesus was coming back today...he'd be right there with the homeless....and you'd never know it because nobody stops to even look at them or cares.

[Lakewolf]

I just read your post.

Though I don’t always blame myself when something happens, I’ve done it enough to know how horrible it is when you do it.

I’ll be praying for you.

[RoamingCarolyn in reply to Lakewolf]

Thank you.

[Lakewolf in reply to RoamingCarolyn]

No need. I’m here to help, as well as to be helped.