A Sad Trip Down Memory Lane

[MrZee]

Last night I did something that has really triggered great sadness in me.

I came across my high school yearbook (from 1976, 42 years ago).

Though the book is old, it only seems like yesterday when I was that young. My teenage years were horrible. Other than having to go to school, I did not participate in any activities or social groups. I blended in as best as I could to remain hidden. The worst was that I was bullied all through my public school years for being different. I was a boy not into sports or girls. And back than I had no idea that I was Gay. But still the other kids were merciless that picked on me.

What also struck me while reading the yearbook was all the students that exceeded scholastically, won awards, scholarships, and were popular. I never had any of that.

It got me thinking of my upbringing. I grew up in such a negative dysfunctional household. My father was a rageaholic. And my mother was a social butterfly that was hardly ever home. She never had the time or day to comfort me after coming home from school after being bullied. And my father, he was a nutcase. I do have 3 siblings and they were all popular and involved with their schools.

That was all so long ago and seeing my yearbook brought back so much of that pain. My great sadness in all of this is I wish that I had nurturing parents like most of the other kids did. I wish they could have instilled confidence in me growing up like other parents who were good role models. Mine certainly were not.

Today both my parents are deceased. I’ve long ago forgiven them for their shortcomings of not being there for my teenage pains. Plus over the years therapy has taught me to be my own nurturing parent.

But still I do wish I could have had more confidence as a child, especially in my teen years. Perhaps that’s the root of my social anxiety. I had it then. I have it now.

I took my 42 year old yearbook down to the recycling center and got rid of it for good. Wow, did that feel empowering! Why look at something that only brings back pain?

I certainly can’t go back in time and fix the past, but I can forgive what has happened.

Within a few days the sadness of seeing my yearbook will pass. Maybe it was meant to be to see it all these years later to remind me of all the growth I’ve encountered over the years in therapy.

[fauxartist]

My little brother was always very much a budding Carman Miranda wanna be coming out of the shower at a young age, doing a routine down the hall with his towel wrapped on the top of his head...that was age 5....we all just said ....okay, on you go.....but as with yourself MrZee, he was bullied too. Being over six feet two inches tall in sophomore year...he was very much a tall gorgeous queen.....and proud of it way before there was any gay pride parade ...so he took all the hits, the cruel little brats could sling....he took it all and it just rolled off his back like water off a duck. He did quick because of the bulling....and being a very gifted musician since his early childhood, he started his own business soon after. He wrote, and composed music, and teach's voice. He too is in a happy long term relationship.

[MrZee in reply to fauxartist]

Dear fauxartist,

It sounds like you have a wonderful little brother. Please let him know I said so.

I too have a wonderful husband. I’m very lucky as is your brother.

Best,

MZ

[Strongheartforever]

I’m so glad you threw it out! Was going to tell you to chuck it in the trash. And the word you used “empowering”! Yesss!! So I did that a few years back, I just threw a bunch of emotional memorabilia away. Ditched it. Never regretted it. Want to recommend a book “Bad Childhood, Good Life” by Dr. Laura. She too got in the wrong line when God was handing out parents. Continue to pursue what empowers you. It’s the key to happiness. Stay outta the past and stay outta the future. Don’t cozy up to victimhood. We all have tragedies. And we all are our worst enemies. When your mind takes you down a dark alley change the channel. Simplify and streamline. I’m on a decluttering kick and boy is it empowering. Sending you so much love my friend.

[MrZee in reply to Strongheartforever]

Dear Strongheartforever,

What lovely feedback. Your words actually made me teary eyed (good cleansing tears).

The past is currently plaguing me since seeing the yearbook last night. It’ll pass in a few days. Plus I see my therapist on Monday. This will make for a productive session.

I do regret I got the short end of the stick with the parents I was dealt. But they’re gone and at peace. Time for me to move on.

Again, thank you so much for caring.

MZ

[Hidden]

While we can’t change the past we can elect to forget it. Glad you got rid of that year book.