Letting go of Control: After a lot of... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

64,351 members63,137 posts

Letting go of Control

perkofawallflower profile image

After a lot of soul searching, I have come to realize that my anxiety stems from wanting to control everything in my life. That also includes the people in my life. I am realizing that I try to control things to get a certain outcome. When that outcome doesn’t happen, I become angry, irritable and anxious. Wanting to control things stems from fear of the unknown. The future seems so scary and I want things to workout how I want them to so I force things. Then I know now that I can’t make people think or react the way they do. I can’t base what I do on what I want the other person to do. For example, the outcome with my boyfriend is that of course I would like to end up with him long term. Well his ex wife has poor boundaries and is constantly texting him about her personal problems. I became upset with him because he didn’t handle the situation how I would have handled it. When he told me about it I became upset and irritable with him, so then I became anxious and started ruminating about it and making plans on how to deal with his ex wife. I was so afraid that I would have to leave him because I felt I needed to make him do what I wanted. It was what I did all weekend and I was mean to him and constantly telling him what to do about her. I realized that I have to let go and let him deal with it. He is in control of his reactions towards her and what he wants to do. I can’t control him. I have to trust that he wants to be with me and will work on setting boundaries with her. All I can do is either choose to stay or leave based on how he chooses to handle her. It feels great to stop worrying about her and deciding the ultimate plan to “defeat” her. I want to be happy and just enjoy the time I get to spend with my boyfriend. He can worry about his annoying ex- wife. lol and I am so glad I didn’t push him away enough to leave me. My anxiety was extremely high and I was micromanaging him

15 Replies


I can appreciate your insight! Very honest 🌺 I’m so glad things are going well for you!

perkofawallflower profile image
perkofawallflower in reply to

Thank you. I am trying so hard. It’s a very hard process. But I can recognize when I get like this now I need to work on my reaction to it and just let things be.

It is hard. It is scary. You’re not alone. Abandonment fears run deep. Nobody wants to be left alone or rejected. My theory/observation/experience is that women who’ve had an emotionally supportive man somewhere in their formative years (parent, grandparent, uncle, family friend, etc) struggle a bit less with this while those of us who had zero masculine, security inducing affirmations are going to struggle more with resting in our personal value to set good boundaries for ourselves and not fear ‘losing’ a person from our lives. I’m so proud of you! Please know I’m holding emotional space for you in this journey because you will have weak moments, get caught off guard and react instead of being prepared always. It is definitely a process. Do Not beat yourself up if/when you react in a way you hoped you wouldn’t. You’re valuable. You’re supported. You can discipline yourself to do this. Keep pressing in with compassion for yourself by giving the little girl in you the care she may not have adequately received🤗

I have a new name suggestion...


Lol that’s the name I was trying to get lol but it wouldn’t let me

Oh bummer! Lol 😂

Thank you so much for your kind words of support. I am trying hard to believe in myself. My self confidence took a really hard hit in my 20s and I never think I fully got over it. I am working hard to be the best me I can be.

Ditto my friend. ❤️🤗

okay....sounds better on the letting go part....your on track....checking the anger, your doing good.... Now that you have it that we cannot control people places or things...life happens, and we have to let other's alone to deal with their choices how they choose. Your right it's the fear of the unknown and wanting what we want....and sometimes what we want isn't meant to be. She works at him trying to control and manipulate him, he left her because of it....don't become her....be better, and the freedom of giving him the trust to make his own choices around his ex- will free you. Anxiety is about the fear of the unknown....and manifests it self to the point of obsession with some....that is like a dog with a bone that ain't lettin go of it. Don't destroy a good thing because you can't control it.....He left her....he is with you.....trust him or walk away....because without trust....you have nothin.

Exactly this is what I have learned these past few weeks. I feel like I am on the right path now. I don’t want to push him away and treat him like his ex did. I need to learn from her mistakes which he has told me all about.

you are so awesome girl!....your right on with what your understanding....it's hard....just try and catch yourself before you react.....be honest with him....tell him what your goal is as far as your just establishing how to let go...and to be patient with you...as your learning and growing....and you want things to work with the two of you but you also are working on yourself.....you need this personal growth mainly for you.

Exactly and I have been telling him everything and he’s in complete support of me not reacting and he wants to help me in anyway I need. He’s very understanding.

your with a good guy honey.....cherish that....but don't forget to give yourself lots and lots of credit and love too....your working hard at being happier...and getting out of old patterns is very hard work.....but now you can build trust....mostly trust in yourself knowing that you can do this, you can take charge of your own life, and that's worth diamonds....empowerment of your own destiny. We don't have to take on all that un-necessary stress, anger, resentment, and frustration of being disappointed when things don't go our way, we cannot control anything but how we react to it....we learn to roll with it more easily then....the freedom of letting go....letting him deal with her....and you just listening, ..just be supportive but not reacting. And if you feel his sharing what she says to you is too much...let him know you need a brake. It's okay to do that you let him know that you don't know what he should do sometimes....he'll work it out okay.....he know's her.

Very very true. Very wise advice and last night I let go with all the frustrations with wanting my relationship to be a certain way. I have never dated someone with a child and an ex wife who he shares custody with. It’s taking some adjusting and I realized I was resisting. I wanted it to be like all my other relationships where the ex wasn’t even in his life. I am realizing life is not perfect. He is not perfect and I shouldn’t expect him to be. He’s very supportive and loving and he hasn’t given me a reason not to trust him. So letting go of control is what I have decided to do. In the last 24 hrs I have had immense relief and now I just enjoy the little things he does for me. I was concentrating hard on the things he didn’t do instead of seeing all the positive things he does. I am realizing I could have lost a good man because I was caught up in this image in my head of what a perfect relationship looks like.

True. Great points 👍🏻

You may also like...