I am 20 years old and I have been struggling for 2 years now with severe depression and anxiety disorder. Since it started I have seeked help but have found little that helps me. I was suicidal for the first year or so, I was somewhat scared of dieing but I was so tired of the physical symptoms of anxiety that I wanted it to go away that badly. At that time i was on many difffernt medications. I eventually stopped taking the anti depressants I was prescribed. After this I did not want to die anymore, now I am extremely terrified of dieing. It's on my mind constantly and fuels my anxiety. Im not sure if it's worse then it was before but currently I cannot leave my house without having a panic attack. And even at my house I'm constantly anxious. There are alright times during the day but there are never good times. The alright times are just when my heart isn't racing and my mind is at peace. I am currently seeking an inpatient program so I can be evaluated more. This will be my first inpatient stay.
If I didn't already lose you with my rambling, my questions are; do you remember what it feels like to be happy? Is life after recovering from depression and anxiety still monotonous? Are most days good when your are recovered? Or do you still sortve have down times in each day?
I just don't remember much from being happy but I know I was not as crippled by it as I am now. I feel I may have been anxious before but I looked forward to things. Life wasn't just about surviving like it is for me at the moment.
If you have read this far and feel up to it I would love to hear your option on death and an afterlife
Thank you
Matt
Written by
Depressed1996
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I'm sorry you're going through this difficult time. It feels impossible sometimes to remember what it felt like to be happy when you're in a bad place, I know exactly what you mean.
I definitely still have down days, but it's a matter of degree. Feeling sad for an afternoon is very different from being depressed for a week. And every day that I feel ok gives me something to try to remember when I feel awful, to remind myself that it won't last forever.
I had one experience with hospitalization for a week about 15 years ago, but I didn't find it helpful. They didn't offer therapy or anything, and because I'm really good at acting ok, the whole stay was a fight to prove I needed to be there. So, that motivated me not to go back. Maybe things are different now, I hope you find it helpful if you end up going. Sometimes just having a safe space where your only responsibility is to take care of yourself and try to feel better can mean the world.
A year ago, when I was pulling out all the stops on my recovery, I spent a month attending a Partial Hospitalization Program, which I found immensely helpful. It was six hours a day on weekdays, learning coping skills and sharing with other people with mental illness, many of whom had just left a hospital setting. I learned a wide array of coping skills there, after which I enrolled in Dialectical Behavior Therapy in order to keep learning and practicing skills. I wish everyone was taught these skills in childhood! I'm constantly shocked by how much easier it is to cope with my illness with the new tools at my disposal, and it helps so much to be around others who understand.
Are there any peer support facilities in your area? Availability varies wildly from place to place (not much access in my state, unfortunately) , but some places have good services and groups for support. I attended a (free!) WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) series of workshops that was immensely helpful, even though I had to drive two hours each way to attend.
You're doing a great job reaching out and considering options for recovery. It will get better, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Give yourself credit for the strength and courage that has enabled you to get to this point.
I really appreciate you reading and responding. Means a lot to me.
I've tried a partial program once but at the time I wasn't as opened minded about receiving help as I am now. Like you said when you were in the hospital setting in the same way, I am extremely talented at looking like nothing's wrong. I'm also shy so the group therapy was a lot for me. I mainly listened and didn't share. But I am open to trying again and I appreciate you helping me out. I'd hope to find a place that has group therapy aswell as individual therapy. I'm sure I will find one. I hope to get to the point you are at with your understanding of how to cope.
Being open to change is a huge part of the battle. I'm cheering you on from afar!
hi Matt,
You are so young to be suffering with this awful disease. Do you live with your parents? Do you have support from anyone?
My depression didnt start until my 40's, 21 years ago. I attempted suicide twice to try and shut off my brain. I finally was put on Prozac which helped stabilize me for the next 10 years, since then I have been on different medications, have therapy weekly, and pray every morning before i open my eyes, that today will be a good day. When you are in the depression nothing feels right, you cant remember being happy, I pray for you to get as much help as you can, you could have a beautiful long life ahead of you
Please hang in there. It will get better. I stopped taking my meds too and my doctor said its not good to do that because it will cause you to be more depressed.
Hi I’m 24 years old , I have exactly the same problem. Death scares me so much I have panic attacks , it happens quite a lot . If someone is talking about death or someone dies even if it’s in a film or just thinking that it will happen one day gets me very very upset and panicked. I really can’t remember the years before I didn’t even think about it and I was very happy , but now I just feel like I’m stuck in my own head at times thinking about it . Not many people understand and I can’t understand why people aren’t scared like me ?
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Anxiety and Insomnia
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