So done, but can’t be.

[Brokenglass]

I’m a mom of 2, wife to a brilliant and caring man, successful business person, connected to tons of people that care about me, financially stable, beautiful home.....yet I feel the depths of depression. I look back on my life and see all of the ways my depression expressed itself in my early years, yet I never really understood that this was DEPRESSION until 10 years ago, in my 30s. In some ways, it made everything come into focus - finally I had a reason for always feeling less-than, always feeling lonely, always feeling like I wanted to escape. I was not sure whether escape meant death, or driving off into the sunset to re-invent myself. Fast forward to now, I realize that I am gay, living in a traditional, heterosexual marriage. I CANNOT be myself, because that would kill my family. I need to just put it all away and live the beautiful cards that I have been dealt. My closest friends tell me that if I just came out and lived authentically, my depression would improve. My reasoning then tells me that because I choose not to do that, I am choosing depression. If I choose depression, I have no right to complain or need support from anyone, because this is a choice. Everyone that knows my truth and loves me tells me, over and over, that my depression is not a choice, and that I deserve the love and support of others when I am hurting. My desire to escape is getting stronger and stronger, and I am left contemplating a suicide that looks like an accident so that my family never thinks I wanted to leave them, but that I can be released from this prison of depression. I am tired of needing others to tell me I’m ok. I love my family. I don’t want to leave them, but the thoughts of suicide are starting to scare me, as if they may overtake my logical, rational brain. Ugh.

[Hidden]

Jeez that's a lot to hold in no wonder to feel like your about to burst,don't you think the family wonder why you don't smile more?or why you seem so down?its time your honesty came out so you all eventually will be happier ?I'm sure your all lovely people and deserve to be happy for real.your family would be more miserable and lost if you were no longer ever around.good luck ,I hope you pluckup the courage to be true.

[Paulinj]

Hey. Don't think of others think about yourself. Think of a future where you are smiling and work towards that. Whenever I feel like committing suicide I actually let myself relax, even cry , then sleep and let my mind settle down and start thinking logically again. I believe everyone has a purpose and everyone is here for a reason. You got 2 kids that by my book is an accomplishment. I read a blog recently that us women are the superior gender, 2 of the reasons is we are emotionally strong and let our emotions out when need be and the second is we can bare more pain than Men. My point is you are strong, just take a day at a time and come up with reasons for your existence and a future you want to see. You wanna see your grand kids look towards that, find one reason and you are good to go. 😊 I believe in you so let's fight.

[Stilltrying_]

You say it would kill your family to come out but it is potentially killing you not to. Obviously this is a very very delicate subject. I would suggest finding yourself some LGBT counselling to help talk around the issue. Are you sure you are gay and not bi-sexual for instance?

I am gay and know plenty of women who came out in later life. Many of them had husbands who have been amazingly supportive and children as well but I don't know your family and don't know how they would react. But presumably you love them and can continue to love them even if you are gay. Many people i know their best friends are their ex husbands, so I know that can happen.

You do obviously need to think very carefully of how you go about explaining and how it would be received as each family is different. If holding it all in is definately the cause of your depression then it would seem logical that it is sort of trying to force itself out now to make you more healthy and whole. It shouldn't mean the end of everything, just a more honest communication between you all but do be prudent and assess the situation fully before the "reveal".

Please let us know how you get on if you can x

[Brokenglass]

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate the support. ❤️. I’ll keep fighting.

[Hidden]

Please don't hurt yourself, I believe that you could really get through this. You deserve to be happy in the life that you want... You shouldn't have to hold all of this inside & be consumed with this depression. It may be hard at first, but I think everything would be better for you & your family if you found treatment with a therapist & maybe in time admitted the truth. <3 I hope everything is okay for you today. You're so brave for coming on this site & telling us your truth. Own it. Don't run from it. I will be thinking of you in the days to come.

[Miriam1961]

After reading your story,I just felt like sharing with you. I do hope it is helpful.

I have taken medication on and off throughout my adult life. I have jokingly said that: "They should put it in the water!" Of course, I know this is not the case for everyone... but, if you haven't, you may want to consider it.

Medication has surely worked for me. I have no side effects by taking Prosac and it has helped me so much.

The first thing that came to mind as I read about your situation was about how people of all backgrounds and persuasions can have depression. We are many things. Not just our sexual orientation.

In my case, I am overweight. While I have physical reasons for struggling with my weight (other than not exercising regularly- like having my thyroid removed and having sleep apnea).

I believe that being fat is depressing to me, but my question for myself is: "If I were thin and beautiful, would I not be depressed? I don't know the answer. But, I presume that I would still struggle... it could very well be partially a genetic pre-disposition. I believe I have a chemical imbalance... that may go back several generations.

When things get overwhelming, I remind myself about how much better I felt when taking Prosac... then I talk myself back into getting a prescription. It usually takes only a few days and I am feeling normal, am thinking clearer and feel more childlike and happy. [Every once in a while I will talk-myself out of taking my meds. It's just that I get feeling so good that I think, I should try doing this "on my own."

[I have been off of my medication for a few months now... just writting to you made me realize that I probably need to get back on! I am trully happier. My depression goes into nearly immediate "remission" or keeps at bay when taking my meds.]

I hope you figure out what is best for you and how to deal with this depression. Regards, Miriam