First Post

[MariaLove123]

Hi I just signed up today. I am feeling pretty low. I actually feel this way most days. I’m 36 and have been suffering from anxiety, depression and trauma for many years. I rarely go outside. I feel trapped being inside all the time, but too unhappy to try anymore to work, run errands and I’m even at the point where I cancel my therapy sessions. I’ve tried every medication and nothing works. Today I just feel awful. I absolutely hate this.

[JoanyAnne357]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Just remember that you're not alone. I'm in the same boat as you. Do what you can and take care of yourself

[MariaLove123 in reply to JoanyAnne357]

Thank you for responding so quickly. I’m sorry you are in the same boat. It’s a very challenging illness as you know. The constant ups and downs every few seconds are unbearable. I can’t even explain what I’m thinking most of the time because I’m onto the next thought a second later. Ugh!

[fauxartist]

wow, I am sorry your having such a hard time right now..and it sounds like your medication resistant. If the only thing you have going on right now is therapy, I wouldn't quit going if I were you just quite yet as it might be shooting yourself in the foot. If your therapist isn't helping you, then get another one. Don't give up. It's a crap disease and it's not our fault, it's a chemical thing in the brain. Please try and read some of the posts and comments from others who don't take antidepressants, there are a lot who have alternative and natural therapy's. Sharing here helps me a lot as well as others too.

[MariaLove123 in reply to fauxartist]

Thanks for the advice. I know skipping therapy is not a good thing. I’ve seen a lot of therapists, psychiatrists and psychologists. I’ve been stuck in this rut for 4 years. Before that, I had more energy and I guess “hope” to go out with friends, see my doctors, work, etc. I don’t know why but for 4 years I can’t get off the couch. I have no interest in anything. I get so anxious when I have an appointment or plans to go out. I just can’t push myself. I wind up canceling and sitting in anxiety. It really is an awful disease. My heart breaks for everyone who deals with it. I just feel at a loss. I thought about trying TMS. I don’t know

[fauxartist in reply to MariaLove123]

If you think TMS might be your next step....then gently reassure yourself you can do this....don't make it a mountain....just another baby step....nothing is in granite, and there is no failure or judgement...just don't give up on yourself....you just have to find your path...I know you have tried a lot of things already, and you feel defeated and frustrated...and taking a break from worry wouldn't be a bad idea...but just keep moving , even if it's one small thing a day....no pressure on yourself...your doing this because you deserve to have a better life...but all the encouragement in the world will do no good without you making the choice to do these steps for you....you have to make the choice.

[MariaLove123 in reply to fauxartist]

That’s really great advice because I have been thinking this TMS as a whole big thing. Can I ask what helps you?

[fauxartist in reply to MariaLove123]

For me it's been years of therapy, group therapy, other types of support groups in the beginning of this journey, and now I am on SSRI's....but it took quite a few different ones and dosage amounts to finally get one that worked without side effects. Lexapro in the lowest dosage. I still have the emotional roller coaster....and still have an occasional mini melt down....but nothing as severe as I had in the past. At least now I know and believe this will pass. I'm always going to have difficulties that I have to consciously manage...things that in my past were overwhelming are now just a pain in the butt most times. Like dealing with difficult people in my real world, and not taking their BS personally...it's on them now, and at the same time ...owning my own stuff so I can get better. I actually feel the interactions on this site are very helpful for someone trying to learn to deal with anxiety and depression....the friends you make, the interactions on posts, reading about others struggles, all of it is very healing for me.

[MariaLove123 in reply to fauxartist]

Thanks Fauxartist! Your words are very helpful. I’m actually in the middle of learning to let other people’s BS go and take care of myself. I was holding onto friends that made little effort to reach out to me. I kept feeling stupid for having problems and they have happy lives. That’s why I like this site so far. You get to talk with people who understand and relate to you. I was on lexapro for years and it did help in the way it’s helping you, but my doctor wanted me to try something else. I think I was becoming immune to it maybe? Is that the SSIR you were talking about? Do you have any other medication recommendations? I’m happy you’re doing better. And it’s really great that you found this site to be so helpful. It gives me hope. So thank you for that!

[fauxartist in reply to MariaLove123]

medication is so individual....you really just have to work with a doctor who understands these meds and depression....not just someone who reads a pamphlet handed out by the drug salesmen. I am not sure I understand, did you tell your doctor that the medication was no longer working? Or did he just decide to change your medication on a whim?

[MariaLove123 in reply to fauxartist]

I believe I was going a little downhill and he thought I might be getting too used to the lexapro. I’ve been on everything though. I’m always working with him and other doctors on medications. It really depends on the individual as you said. I’m really glad it’s working for you. And it’s a good medication to go up doses if you need to.

[fauxartist in reply to fauxartist]

so your next step then would be to try the TMS.....I didn't see any down side to it. Where as the ECT scares the crap out of me personally....but it has helped a lot of people...however....there were more adverse side effects from that one. If this TMS can help you....what a blessing for you to have some relief and not have to take medication. I tried to find out info on it, but I couldn't find a lot....but it all seemed pretty good what I did find.

[MariaLove123 in reply to fauxartist]

I’m afraid of ECT too. I heard it makes you so loopy. And definitely side affects are weird. I’m still waiting on my insurance to approve the TMS. I hope it works! Otherwise it’s back to medication. How are you feeling today?

[fauxartist in reply to MariaLove123]

me too...it would be really good news for you....best wishes....

[MariaLove123]

That is SO SWEET of you to say. THANKS! How are you feeling?

[MariaLove123]

I’m sorry Do you work? Hobbies? I’m glad you’re trying to be strong. I know it can feel exhausting.

[Hidden]

Hi Maria, I'm Kayla. Welcome to the site. We are all very supportive here & I am so glad you decided to join us. I'm sorry to hear about all of that. I know exactly how you feel, I'm dealing with the same thing. I'm a nurse, & I'm currently on medical leave for depression, anxiety & PTSD. It is extremely difficult to deal with & I don't get out much either anymore. I'm only 26 years old & I feel like my life is over. I wish I had all of the advice to give you, but I am going through the same. My heart goes out to you. I would recommend reading posts from others here, talking to us, & also please keep going to your therapist or like fauxartist suggested, maybe trying a different one? Also, I just joined a support group for women that are dealing with Trauma. It has helped me tremendously just the first week I started going & I made some friends. If you need to talk to someone, feel free to message me. <3 We are here for you, girl. Hugs & love to you.

[Lexi135 in reply to Hidden]

I'm sorry to hear that .. I'm 24 yrs old and I suffer from anxiety attacks every morning they are the worst .. and I have to calm myself back down I have a 6 yr old and I try not to show him I'm having one but he understands and helps me out a lot I'm so thankful for him .. I dont go out or anything anymore .. I just cant it's too much going on in Albany ny right now .. n its scary I cant and It stresses me out.. I know its going to get better

[Hidden in reply to Lexi135]

I'm sorry to hear about you too, girl. It's really hard & we have to keep trying every day to get better. I'm glad you're on here too. This place has helped me so much & you will really enjoy being on this site. The world is scary now. I absolutely agree. That's another reason why I try not to go out either. I hope things get better for you, girl. <3 Just always remember you're not alone. We are all here for each other on this site.

[Lexi135 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you I hope u feel better too

[MariaLove123 in reply to Hidden]

Wow you are so nice! THANK YOU! You might not think this, but you are SO young and you have so much time to build your dream life. Believe me! At 26 I wish I knew that I could still change my career, start my own business, change my entire way of thinking and go a whole other direction, start a total different career path, even go back to school, not rush to think about marriage and kids, take advantage and live with my parents and save money instead of rushing to grow up, TRAVEL, go out more and challenge myself more. I’m not saying you have to do any of these things but when you get older and have depression, you feel older than you really are. And you feel like doing those things is too late. I hope you take this time of leave and make something wonderful out of it Be proud of yourself for taking care of yourself instead of continuing to work and overwhelm yourself. I was thinking of joining a group like that. I think hearing it from you made me more willing to!

[Hidden in reply to MariaLove123]

Thank you. That really made me tear up. I've been really terrified of wasting my years away being in this depression. It's killing me so much, but your words have inspired me to just be gentle with myself & not be in such a hurry to grow up. I tried to make a relationship work for 10 years of my life, & I'm just now starting over. I don't have any children because I lost a baby this past year. It's been really difficult, but everything happens for a reason? I'm currently living with my mom again while all of this has happened in order to repair what has been broken. Thank you for reminding me that I have time. You've inspired me today. I really hope things get better for you. You deserve it. <3

[MariaLove123 in reply to Hidden]

I’m so sorry about your loss. That’s an awful thing to have happened. Are you close with your mom? I think being there is such a good idea. I am very close with my mom. Sometimes I feel like we’re too close. I lean on her so much. I tend to feel guilty though for being this way and worrying her so much. But I am grateful for her support. As I got older I realized I’d rather have our relationship strong than have tons of friends who aren’t 100% there for me. Thank you for saying those kind words. How are you doing today? What are you up to?

[Hidden in reply to MariaLove123]

My mom is pretty much the best friend I’ve ever had. She was very close with her mother (my grandmother) too so she prefers that I live with her. She’s the type of mom that wouldn’t mind if/when I get married we both lived with her haha. She just likes to have me around. I feel guilty sometimes putting a lot on her too cause she’s a little older. But she’s definitely helped me so much my entire life & specifically this past year. I’m doing well today, I just woke up haha. I’m just taking things one step at a time. How about you? What your plans for the day?

[MariaLove123 in reply to Hidden]

Moms are the best right?! You guys sound a lot like me and my mom. She comes over a lot to hang out and talk. I feel bad too sometimes. But we have to remember that we’d do the same for our kids. I want kids so bad but I don’t think I can have them. I think my body is too sick and depressed. I want something out of this life! And I know you have to go out and get it, but I just need something little to push me. Today I slept in, I’m watching tv and will probably write a little. Everyday is the same. Sometimes I feel like I live no different than people in prison. Obviously I have choices and freedom but I can’t get out of my bubble lol

[Hidden in reply to MariaLove123]

That’s EXACTLY how I feel too. I just woke up actually, so that’s half of the beautiful day away. I don’t really get rest until about 4:30 or 5AM. The trauma from everything that has happened to me keeps me awake at night. Some nights are better than others. Some nights I have panic attacks & there’s no way of calming down. Other nights I just lay awake feeling sorry for myself, I guess. When I do finally get to sleep, I have really bad nightmares. It’s just over & over again. So I sleep from 5AM til noon & over again haha. I’m in therapy now though & I go to a trauma support group every Tuesday & Thursday. Before that, I couldn’t even get out of the house. My mom would have to bring me food, or I wouldn’t eat. She says I’m getting better everyday. It takes time. I do feel like I’m in prison, but my moms home is the safest place to be. I love her & I feel very safe here. She has a swimming pool, so I can swim, read, or just rest. I hope things get better for you. You definitely sound exactly like me right now. <3

[Lexi135]

I'm sorry to hear that also .. I'm not doing to well today either I'm trying to stay strong my self .. we all going to make it through this

[MariaLove123 in reply to Lexi135]

I’m glad you’re trying to stay strong too. This site seems really great so far with all the support and helping each other!

[Lexi135 in reply to MariaLove123]

It is it really is.. thanks cause I know its just not me out there with these feelings and the support on here is just Phenomenal. I'm going to meet with my therapist tomorrow haven't been there in 2 yrs I was okay fine enjoying life I only had then once in a blue .. then last month my attacks started to come back real heavy I eat to late i woke up so dizzy n having a attack at the same time I was losing it .. but I know there are brighter days ahead for all of us ..

[MrZee]

I can certainly understand what you are describing. Yet what you have and many of us on here have is, fear. That’s very real and in my opinion it is not a disease. Many of us have fears to a certain degree all across the spectrum.

I also have my days of feeling depressed or overly anxious. When that happens I just have to ride it out. Then I’ll have good days too.

I’ve found this site to be tremendously supportive. Many of us are here to both share and listen. What we all have in common here: we are not alone.

[Hidden in reply to MrZee]

Fear is one of the driving forces behind all of the decisions I've been making lately. I signed up to get back in school to further my minor in psychology in order to get out of that mindset. This website has inspired me so much to keep going & overcome this.

I think of you daily, MrZee. <3 I hope you're doing well!

[MrZee in reply to Hidden]

Thank you DM. You’ve been on my mind too. Your posts are inspiring. I remain excited for your new relationship and doggie. And wow, going back to school! I did that 3 years ago (I’m still there). I was terrified to do this but knew it was important. I’ve enjoyed it since.

Best,

MZ

[Hidden]

I'm so so sorry you are feeling this way! I'm an agoraphobic so I get where you are coming from, very difficult. Welcome to the site, you will find lots of support & love here, including me! I wish for you peace of mind! Love & Hugs!!! XXX

[MariaLove123 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you anxiety_59 That’s very nice of you to welcome me to the site! I hope you are having a good day!

[Hidden in reply to MariaLove123]

My pleasure!!! Love & Hugs!!! XXX

[BW33]

I am suffering exactly as U. May God heal us!

[SuZQ154]

Welcome! So glad you are here. The posts have had so much good advice and support, and as I have read them, I noticed that your spirits seem to be improving. That is what this site seems to be all about. They have been an encouragement to me, too.

Along with some of the things mentioned here, I sometimes read books to help me get out of my "darkness". You might want to check this one out. bit.ly/2HDmMId. Hope this helps and again, welcome!!