Feeling helpless : I have been suicidal... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Feeling helpless

Sclassy
Sclassy

I have been suicidal for most of my life. When things get bad,I want out. I actually wake everyday disappointed that I’m alive. The only thing that keeps me going is my sweet 14 year old son. I ended up in the hospital about 3 years ago for attempted suicide and I promised him I wouldn’t do it again. Yesterday my husband and I had a very bad fight and I almost broke that promise. I don’t know how to be happy. I don’t have one person in this world I can call my friend. I am married to an addict whose been in recovery for 12 years now, but he has an awful disposition and I honestly don’t know why I married him. I constantly make bad decisions and choose the wrong mates. I can’t remember a time in my life when I was happy for than a day or 2. I actually envy others who have successfully committed suicide. Isn’t that awful?I quit going to church for a lot of reasons.

We don’t visit anyone and no one visits us.

So, so tired of life. It sucks to be me.

23 Replies
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Hidden
Hidden

Hi. I’m so sorry to hear this is what you’re going through.

Please know that even though I don’t know you, I’m glad that you’re alive.

I don’t have all the answers right now myself, because I attempted suicide in March & I’ve been in darkness more times than I can count since then, please know that you’re not alone in this.

I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts & I hope things get better for you.

I truly truly with all my heart want you to live.

If you ever wanna talk, please feel free to pm me. <3

Sclassy
Sclassy in reply to Hidden

Thank you, I’m glad you’re alive as well. I also hope things get better for you and that the darkness will leave you forever.

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KDJTrainer
KDJTrainer in reply to Hidden

Everybody gets low sometimes. It’s ok! I promise things will get better. You’re so young and have been through a lot! People care. I promise.

Sclassy
Sclassy in reply to KDJTrainer

Thank you

I'm sorry you're in such a low spot right now. I've been there and it does suck. I will say, however, that I'm not there now which means there is hope. With medicine and my therapist, I have gotten through some tough stuff and am still working on getting to be my happiest self, but to me it's so worth the journey towards health and happiness and especially with a son who must love you to the ends of the earth. Do you have a therapist or counselor to talk some of this through with? If not, it could could make a world of a difference. Also having no visitors can really suck, so what about trying to make the initial effort of trying a group cooking class or an art class of some sort (both of which have therapeutic powers of their own)? Also, I'll address your statement about church here, but if you're not in a place to hear it then feel free to skip past this part because I understand the sensitivity of it: ~ I'm sorry if church was a problem for you. it has been a problem for me in the past, but I realized it was the people I was around within that church, and after making some relationship changes, I found people and a church that welcomed me and have loved me ever since (which has brought me deeper into my relationship with God which has sometimes been the main thing keeping me afloat) ~. I hope something in here helped, but even if nothing I said helped, know that I and others in this group and beyond are thinking about you and sending love. Keep loving on your son as I'm sure he loves you. Best wishes, and please know you are not alone.

It’s clear your depressed and I feel for you as I suffer from it as well. The main reason you need to stay positive is what you’ve already pointed out , your son. No matter how hard life gets your son needs you and you obviously know that. You’ve gotta continue looking for the right therapist and get on an antidepressant that works for you. Also it sounds like your with a real piece of work that you need to leave for your own sanity. And again its all about the 14 year old being around a toxic father or boyfriend your with , and he probably can’t find peace of mind seeing you like this. For him and you please don’t stop looking for the right help and medication.

Sclassy
Sclassy in reply to Ironj

Thank you!! I know you’re right about seeking out the right therapist and medication, however unfortunately we don’t have health insurance. While we are not considered impoverished, the insurance options were too expensive for our household, so we had to get an exemption. Which is why I looked for this site to find some way to get through this. Your words though encouraging, touched me so deeply and I cried so hard. I love my son sons so much!!!!

I have 4 but, only 3 of them have kept a relationship with me. My oldest son doesn’t talk to me unless he wants my help for something. I have just last year decided NO MORE!! If his love comes with a price...it’s not genuine and I don’t need or want it. The thing that bothers me about him though is that, I don’t know what I’ve done to make him treat me this way. I’ve asked him several times and he will not respond.

My second oldest is not easy to get along with but he does keep in touch and acts like he loves me sometimes. My third son is a great kid as well as the 14 year old. They are always making me laugh and wanting to try to make happy.

I should say here, my mother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia some years ago and my father was killed in the Air Force before I was born. After giving birth to me my mom left me with my grandmother for a few years before coming to get me. She visited and took me back from time to time. With that being said, I know I may have inherited a form of mental illness. My mom is stable now. No hospitalizations in about 13 years. Finally she takes her medication without fail.

Having said that I’m the one that all these people lean on when they need or want in all aspects of their lives. I manage my home affairs without any help from my husband. He doesn’t know what money goes out or comes in and doesn’t care to. I’ve tried several times to keep him abreast, but he doesn’t want to have any involvement. He works comes home tends to the lawn and time to time fixes something.

I have left him, suggested family counseling and he’s agreed to it and then didn’t. My marriage is a problem, but I have a problem with life. This is my second marriage. The first was abusive in all aspects physical, mental and verbally. My 2 oldest are a product of that mistake Left with the clothes on myself and my children’s backs no car and a temporary job as my only means of support.

My third son is a product of a long term relationship with a man 14 years my senior

Who was also abusive until one day I put a high heel shoe to his head for attacking me while I was on crutches and recovering from a gun shot wound to my abdomen, which nearly killed me due to an intrusion to my home. I still carry that bullet in my left leg. It entered my abdomen, ruptured my large intestine and went into my buttocks and down in my thigh. Had to learn to use that leg again.

Now married to an addict who has been clean for 12 years, but has his own issues. My point is:

as I stated in my initial post I make BAD CHOICES!!! Don’t know how to stop.

Others call me strong, but strong people don’t succumb to suicidal thoughts.

Your words touched me so deeply, you must be a very sweet person. I hope all is well with you in every aspect of your life.

Thank you

Ironj
Ironj in reply to Sclassy

Good afternoon Sclassy

I hope your feeling better today , thank you for your kind words. I gotta tell ya there’s always someone waiting that will treat you the way you should be treated with love , respect , and dignity. Don’t let the anchors keep you down break the chains that are holding you down. As far as the people that are using you when they need you for there convenience, just tell them your to busy with your own problems after a few times of you shutting the door on them they will stop and respect you.

I’m not sure where your from but Catholic charities offers free counseling with a therapist. You’ll be fine in the long run when you start putting yourself first and then everything will fall in place. Best wishes John

I know you are struggling right now, but I promise it’s only temporary. Your sweet son would be so sad if you were gone. Along with all of the rest of us on here. I struggle too and sometimes I’m just doing minute by minute. Do something for yourself that brings you joy. Even if it’s just going out to get a cup of tea or coffee. Try to remember something that brought you joy and do that again! Sometimes it works for me. I know it’s hard when you don’t want to make the effort. I promise if you just make one baby step you will take another. Sometimes it’s just having a nice clean kitchen for me. Or clean laundry. ❤️

Sclassy
Sclassy in reply to KDJTrainer

Thank you for all the encouraging words and suggestions. I like to plant flowers and decorate, but even when I’m being creative I find myself crying sometimes......,don’t know.

Perhaps consider that your thoughts are your depression speaking...an illness's hallmark is precisely that your thoughts are deceivers, liars if you will. Many people who have overcome depression--it is possible--will often look back and remember they said they wanted to commit suicide, but can't figure out why or how they felt so bad. It really is a physical illness that happens in the brain, and like other illnesses, it can be made better. You can't believe this is true right now, you're depressed. But at a rational level, ponder the fact that others have overcome depression and they all believed what you believe right now...that they were a special case unlike all others and their situation was hopeless. They were wrong.

Sclassy
Sclassy in reply to dukenu

Respectfully, I don’t at all consider myself a special case, which is why I sought out ‘this site to find others who may at some point in their life felt like me.

Thanks for your insight.

dukenu
dukenu in reply to Sclassy

I didn't mean that in a derogatory way. I should have just said an exceptional case that was resistant to any kind of treatment. Although, you defending yourself is a good sign, it means you have self esteem.

Sclassy
Sclassy in reply to dukenu

No need for an apology, didn’t think your comment was offensive.

I am so sorry you are struggling. Your life is important, even though when struggling through depression it doesn't feel that way. Life can be precious but it is hard to see that in the midst of the darkness. Know you are not alone. There are people who understand your struggles and are here to support, love, and encourage you. Please reach out any time on this site. Someone will always respond to your with caring words. Are you getting professional help? Have you been to a therapist? Are you taking medication to help with your depression? With the right medication, the right counselor, learning what your triggers are and how to deal with them can lead to feeling better. This site has some very helpful information about dealing with depression. bit.ly/2mFxWoz I will keep you in my prayers. Please continue to share. Hugs to you!

Thank you very much, made me cry to know someone I don’t even know and have never seen would feel my life is important.

I extend hugs back to you.

Know I am here if you ever want to chat. :)

Thank you

Hi there is this o poisonous relationship you did promise your son you wouldn't do that again! Have you ever thought that it's time to separate for you sake and that of your son after all he sees what's going on and I bet he's more switched on than you think! Have you thought about councilling either to help get things on a better footing or seen a doctor for help at least you owe it to your self as staying strong is wearing you down and some day you will be back at the same problem I really hope you get the right help take care david x

Sclassy
Sclassy in reply to Celtic27

Thank you David,

You’ll find the answer to the questions you asked of me in a previous reply to Ironj.

I hope all is well with you.

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