I am very depressed and feel helpless for the following family issue: I have a very nice, intelligent, very respectful , 20 years old grandson, with no addictions, except that he is being hooked on video games.He graduated for 2 years now, does not want to work or to study in a college or vocational school. He lives with us, grandparents, in the vicinity of his father and stepmother with whom he has a great relationship ,for his father ‘s approach, (being a war veteran,) is to leave his son alone. My grandson has no financial demands, future dreams, all he wants , is to be left alone, closed in his room to play .He has only 2 friends, seeing them very seldom. We do not want to deprive him of the minimal needs he has as : shelter, food or electronic supply , for we are afraid that he would run away, or commit suicide. He refuses also, to see a specialist who could probably help him, and sustains that he is OK, with no depression.
I don’ t know how long I can live with this pain in my soul and the permanent stress I have to endure.Would you have any advice for me? THANKS.
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Oh dear not good and it certainly sounds like he needs help. I wonder why he is living with you and not his parents? He is their prime responsibility, not yours. You have done your bit and deserve a break from looking after others.
Thanks for your reply hypercat54. My son ,being a war veteran , with nervous break down, has little capability to take care of his children’s education . He is in good relationship with them, but let them do whatever they want . We, grandparents have to help them, but this situation is impossible, and we are helpless.
I may not be a mom or grandmother myself but i do understand how you feel as i was raised to take care of my brothers. Now.. i know i dont know your grandson, unsure of how he's like but in my suggestion.. opening up. having family talks. Of course dont go off on the kid but be firm with him. Im sure hell know you are trying to help out of love and care. ☺️
Thanks Quamm for your response.Unfortunately my grandson shows no interest for family talks because he is already tired of them ,hearing so many times to take care of his future.
Thanks Quamm for your response.Unfortunately my grandson shows no interest for family talks because he have heard many times our opinion and plea to come to commune senses regarding his future. This is why we are so helpless.
I'm sorry to hear that, I bet its frustrating going through this, sometimes the best method may just be tough love. Eventually he will have to learn the essentials of surviving on his own. Often times a lot of young people nowadays don't shut themselves away as a form of depression, but rather just that everything they need lives on a phone and game console now, so this could totally be just an assumption but he COULD potentially just enjoying his time on social media/gaming.
Thanks Quamm, you might be right, I have to live with the hope that once he will wake up and put himself on the right track. Until than , probably I should be happy that no drugs or drinking is involved.
I feel for you. In Japan, this is such a problem that they hire “sisters” (kind social workers who act like sisters) to coax young men out of their rooms and away from their video games. Hikikomori I think is the name. There’s an article about it, if you Google “Hikikomori: Why are so many Japanese men refusing to leave their rooms?”
I hope this provides a bit of hope or comfort to you. 🤗
Thanks so much for your advice to look into this! My grandson’s dream is to go to Japan,all his room is filled with Japanese characters and he is in love with anime movies.How we could let him just go in the wide Japan world without any job certification? We proposed him to get certified in English teaching in Japan, but he did not react to it.
Maybe he can get into a class that designs video games or does coding. I think a lot of kiddos and young adults are addicted to video gaming. I have a 12 year old son that only has around 2-4 friends and they game. Maybe see if you can look into a local college to try out a class. He could follow his interests but make a living too. Just a thought…. 🙏🙏❤️❤️Or maybe he can join a job called Engineering for Kids where he works with kids on video game design and coding? Check it out might be one in your area.
Thanks for your great advice,ZOO7 ! Definitely I will try and propose him to look in such a possibility, just the problem is that he is not willing to do anything, except gaming and watching anime movies.
This is just a suggestion, because you can’t continue the way things are. Give him a date or deadline to figure something out for his future. As an intelligent fellow of 20 years of age, he must realize he has to get on with his life without you and that means earning a living for himself. Tell him that you are going to talk to him again (and give a date) where you can discuss his options and what you are prepared to do to help him. If he refuses, tell him he has to leave the house and fend for himself. If he decides to go downhill, that’s not your fault and make that abundantly clear to him. You are not going to feel guilty. I would try to show him what life would be like as a dropout in society. (I recently read a book called “Life at the Bottom, by Theodore Dalrymple”) a shocking description of people who refuse to work and prefer government handouts.
Thanks Argus for trying to help.Unfortunately in 2 years we tried and went through all this discussions, with no results.It is no simple for us fearing that he would run away, or commit suicide (they were cases around us), and in no case he would accept any government help.
Oh how times have changed. My dad set a 10 pm curfew m-f and midnight Saturday and Sunday. I broke the curfew a few times. He set my stuff by the front door, and said you will thank me someday. He had the paper and rooms for rent circled . It was 1977 in the summer. Oh to be young and strong and be mistaken for Kevin Costner daily again! I signed up for air conditioning refrigeration heating trade school. Rented a room from a young hippie couple with 2 toddlers. And part of my rent was to babysit one night a week. I got a job for minimum wage pumping fuel in semi trucks 330-11 pm or some Saturday or Sunday days . The 18 months flew by and girls were always trying to kiss me! Oh to be 18 strong and healthy again!
Dear Daveacr1959, it wasn’t your father, it was the lucky and talented you, who was WILLING TO DO SOMETHING.My grandson refuses.If we would kick him out, we fear that he would run away, or commit suicide (it happened around us) and we could not survive this.
The will to live is very strong in all people and animals. Don’t worry about him so much. He knows and can sense your concern and is playing it against you. Give him 3 months to enroll in school and get a part time job. Or tell him he will have to move out . Tell him you can’t enable him. There are times we must be brave and strong. Picture 10 years from now if you make no changes. He’s 30 and still in your house, wasting his life away. He’s like a bird who never flew. He had all the ability to fly . But he never flapped his wings . Just bouncing around on the ground. Easy prey for anyone or anything. Imagine how great it feels to fly!
Your comparison dear Daveacr1959, shows so much talent! But HE has to want to fly, we can not be his wings and we are not strong enough to even imagine any dramatic consequence, if he would disappear for being kicked out.We can not picture him either at age of 30 doing nothing. We need to hope that he will come to his common sense!
I admire your kindness and wanting to help him. Why do you worry about him harming himself? Young people sometimes need a push in the right direction. My wife and I kind of encouraged our daughters to be nurses and they are. I sometimes wonder if it was a good idea, because of all the illness they have to see . But they didn’t have any direction. At age 18 and we spoke up. My older daughter worked as a cashier at a grocery store during high school and college. It took her 6 years instead of 4 to become a nurse. Because she got a biology degree and found it paid almost nothing. She is working overtime today, and Making $1500 . She is a wife and mother and they own thier own house, and retirement 401 k etc . The younger daughter became a nurse in 4 years on a scholarship. And she is still single I think because she is scared of marriage and divorce. Neither of them knew what to do when they were 18, we just gave ideas . One of my wife’s ideas was to try to be a news reporter. They both shot it down right away. We all are concerned about our kids and grandkids. But I think the people who we should be the most concerned about, are the ones with no jobs and ambition. With a job comes independence, then dignity, then freedom. Who can be against any of that? Has he taken one of those career exams or what’s they call it now? The counselors give it in high school and college. That would be a good place to start.
Congratulations for bringing up such great daughters.You were lucky.They had the willingness to listen. You can not imagine how many job and possible career proposals we have done to him and lately he doesn’t want to discuss anymore this matter. That’s we are so helpless!
What is his response? He is more likely to be desperate in 10 years with no job and income? Is he threatening to harm himself if you lean on him? I have seen some of the other responses, that say as long as he has this easy situation you provide he won’t change. Maybe he can work in video games? They have education for that they design it and such.
He does not care about his future, wants to leave only in the present comfortable . He sees that we are suffering.,feels sorry, but he has no power to change. and often says that if is too much for us, he could leave the house,just not to make us suffer.If he would disappear, would destroy us completely.
I think the problem is his parents have not taken an interest in his life. Or something similar that I can’t put into words. No drugs and booze is a very positive thing, and you should praise him for this . And I know you do. Most children see thier parents busting their ass , to provide for the family. Most children want to try hard and please thier parents.. out of love and respect and the examples and sacrifices they saw. I think this fellow is in better shape than you give him credit for. I think he is just totally lost in his future. Not a crime, but what you are doing is making it worse. I have seen men who’s dads didn’t teach them a work ethic. They bounced through life, scraping by , or worse.
You and your husband are great people. You have to pick up where his dad or mom failed. My dad taught me how to work. He said you don’t work you don’t eat. I was 6 years old we had a blizzard. School was closed for days. I didn’t want to be stuck in the house with my little brother. So I went out and shoveled 2 feet of snow . It took me 3 days what would have taken a grown man 6 hours. My parents were teenagers 19 and we didn’t have much when they had me. Even at age 6 I saw the need to pitch in. By the time I was 8 I had $60 saved. Doing yard work for elderly people. It was in case my parents needed it. I never told them. My dad was a garbage man, and going to trade school after work. My mom a cashier at convenience store 2 days a week around dad’s schedule. My dad taught me my work ethic. And not by threatening, or running other people down. Just leading by example. When I was 14 , I had a job washing dishes and bus boy at a restaurant. After practice for sports. My dad asked me how job was. I said it sucked , I had to scrub burnt pans in boiling hot water for 2 hours each night. I said I want to be the cook . He said no cook if you don’t do the job you have good first. He said when I come in for coffee and I tell them I’m your dad. I will know without words spoken if you are doing a good job. He said be the best bus boy the place ever had and I will be proud of you! He said if that’s as far as you go in life I will be proud of you. I got mad and said I’m not going to be a busboy forever! He said we don’t know your potential, you are only 14. Just be the best busboy for now. This is old school work ethic’s. He loves you and your husband. Use love and an interest in him to teach and motivate. He sounds like a good guy. Just needs someone to teach him what his parents should have. And he should be thinking hard about girls.. and girls like ambitious guys not lazy guys .. his desire to kiss and hold a girl. And your guidance and coaching at a job ., he will come around.. he has to see a girl in a bikini on the internet. Can’t get close to her without a job . Nature will light a fire.
You are so smart dear Daveacr1959! It is a pleasure to read your words.You immediately sensed the lack of education of work ethics, also the lack of basic parental education in his life.My son barely was able to take care of his sanity after returning from the Gulf war, and the mother abandoned her children when they were 2 and 3 years old and never reconnected again.We raised them, (also took care of my son.,for 5 years) until a wonderful stepmother took our place, but she could handle only the granddaughter, not him,( but they are in good relationship).My grandson had a big circle of friends before graduation, dated pretty blondes than suddenly a rupture might have happened in his life, everyone disappeared, (except 2 friends), and succumbed himself to solitude.There is no way that he would disclose to us the motive why, or to talk about it to a professional.Our life is difficult because everywhere we are surrounded by walls regarding him.
Now that we have figured out the problem, you can get busy helping him fix it. My guess is why his friends moved on, was they were all getting busy with thier lives. And it had nothing to do with him, he was just left out, because he just stays in and does video games. His friends are busy 8-12 hours a day with school and work. So just sit him down and have a nice talk about what you told me in the post above. It’s certainly not too late at 20 to learn a work ethic. Give him a choice in the direction, and encourage him as long as it’s a moral choice he makes. I mean he might want to teach people of all ages to learn to swim? Or he might want to go into the computer field. Let him know his friends moved on, and he’s had time to figure out a plan. And you are there to help. He might just want to work at the local pizza place? As long as he moves in a positive direction. Explain it to him the way you did to me. Show him these texts ?
You can not imagine how many job or career proposals he got from us, also promise of financial support if he decides to do something which makes sense.Right away, just out of the blue, he wanted to go to Japan ( he is very much in the anime movies and everything connected with the Japanese life).We suggested to get a English teaching license first, than he could dream about Japan, but he did not react to it.
Tell him to make a burrito that is under $2 and healthy and tastes good. Then another one that is $4 and same healthy and great taste. Then get it in to stores and convenience stores. Make it good size for a meal . They don’t have such a thing that I’m aware of. Look At hienz over 100 years ago. He was sick of eating green catsup. That takes bad . Ketchup was called catsup for 100 years before it. And he had to put his in clear bottles when it was red , because people were scared to try it. What I’m getting at is he just has to have a bit of a passion for something, and act on it . He doesn’t know how to make cartoons. So he needs to go to school. He is lucky to have you. Most people at least want to try ? He has to be bummed out the blonde girls are not hanging around anymore? They don’t want a guy who has no ambition. That alone should be enough to light a fire. Are you sure he is not taking pills or smoking weed ? That will crush dreams and ambition.
My grandson gave up on the blondes, is not interested to go out and meet people.Of course ,that we recommended him to study at FIT the cartoon making,but he turned down the idea.He is the whole day around us and we would have noticed if he would use any drugs or would drink.To describe him, I would say that he is handsome, intelligent and peaceful caveman, happy only when is home.
I’ve tried everything I can think of. Maybe if he is homeless for awhile. Hunger and no home will bring him around. I know, your afraid of him hurting himself. Just let him live there and don’t stress out then . You have tried everything. Have you really say him down and said. You have no ambition and work ethic. We are here to help. You can’t live with us forever? I’m going to bow out now. Thanks
I agree with others here. It's hard from for me to judge how serious his issues may be. But certainly, he has a very comfortable arrangement with you, and very little motivation to change. People don't easily give up the "good life" to strike out on their own. It may take some tough love from you to provide the push necessary. Of course he will likely resist it in many different ways, and try to convince or scare you into leaving things the way they are.
There must be some resources out there to help you with the tough love approach. It's probably something you need to do for yourselves as much as for him. In the long run it should be better for all.
Thanks CarlJames for your care to answer.We know about the tough love approach,but we don’t dare to experiment, for if he would run away,or commit suicide (it happened around us)we could not survive it.
I understand your fear of how he may react. He's still fairly young, and he may change. But he may not. In the meantime this is very hard and also unfair on you both. At some level he probably knows you are afraid to push him to move out, and is selfishly taking advantage of that. His father should also take responsibility. It is unfair that he allows this situation to continue. Have you made it clear to him that his son is too much of a burden for you?
It has put you in a very difficult and stressful situation. None of the choices are easy ones. I hope you find a way to resolve it.
Thank CarlJames.My son is non existent when we bring him up education issues.He lives in his own veteran world, and does not want to be bothered with anything else, even if he loves dearly his children.In his view, over 18 years a child should be considered a young adult and should be left alone.We have zero support from his part.
I agree with suggestion by Arkus to put some time limit on thisYou must not continue to put up with this stress ... I know it will not be that easy and I send you good wishes for a positive outcome
Thanks LilyAnnepuppy for your reply. Yes , we could ask for rent ,but not having income and refusing to work, he would not be able to pay.Than what happens next? We are afraid to kick him out for, what if he would run away or would commit suicide?We could not survive this.
You have replied to many suggestions that you would not survive if he committed suicide. If you continue to let him stagnate in your home, eventually you will suffer health wise. Take this to its logical conclusion. It’s downhill whichever way you look at it, if he doesn’t come to his senses as you put it. Why wait on his timetable? You say he’s intelligent and respectful. Why isn’t that enough for him to survive without some initial support? You should find some professional help to deal with your own fears and find the courage to help him find his courage (if that’s his problem).
Thanks Argus. A professional probably would ease our fear of a black future, but deep down we remain desolated as long as our grandson is not on the right track regarding his future. So far he shows no sign for any change, is kind, quiet, loving, closed in his room, not excepting any help from nobody. It is like the peacefulness before a big storm.
I can only relate to you with my story. When I was 16, I DID make a couple of half hearted attempts at trying to run away from home. And I was a good student in school with a bright future, however mentally I was burning out, I was taking a bunch of college prep classes to please my parents but I didn’t enjoy anything about school. I never messed around with alcohol or drugs either. I was really naïve. So my story goes I was placed on a terrible adolescent psychiatric ward and that’s how I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When I was 21 I lived with my grandparents for a year. They were reluctant to do it, they were my grandparents on my Mom’s side. I didn’t like to impose on them either, but I just felt desperate. It turned out to be a very good thing for me. They were strict, I did as I was told. Had to be in bed by 10pm and watch what I said. I went out and got a job, kept that job as long as I could, also went back to college too. I sadly feel like my Grandpa loved me more than my Dad ever did. Especially with this pandemic going on, I see more and more of this happening where a lot of younger people would love to be getting out of their parents house but they are not sure how to do it unless they join the armed forces. And not everyone is cut out for that. Set some clear cut rules and boundaries even if he doesn’t have a job. Talk it over privately with your significant other so both of you are on the same page. My grandparents are dead and gone now but I will never forget how they helped me.
Thanks Googoodollsfan for your care to reply. We are on the same page with my husband, and at least we don’t need to care that my grandson would join the army.He saw what a character destruction his father suffered after returning from the Gulf war and he doesn’t want the same future for himself. We hope that he will wake up from this “do nothing” impossible ( for us) situation.
But he is running away! He is living an alternate life on a pc. I've been there, becoming my character, and ignoring family and friends. It's an addiction, and a bad one. Someone has to hit him hard with the truth, then get him some help.
My son is a gamer as is my son-in-law. My son is living with a woman who has a degree and she games as well. While many do not understand how someone can sit isolated and play what appears to be violent games all day long, for these people playing the games, it is their social outlet. They are safe at home enjoying something they love, and they meet people online to play something that they have a mutual interest in.
Maybe assign some chores to help out around the house. It may not be an addiction so much as it is his social outlet. It may feel safe to him to be in a safe home environment.
Things to look out for - behavior changes with strange purchases of things that would potentially be dangerous - would indicate he got mixed up in wrong crowd.
Sudden drug / alcohol issues would be another concern.
If he is appropriately socializing with people online and still doing his chores, then I would say there are far worse things he could be doing with his time and he also won't be getting anyone pregnant by playing a video game.
My son now wants an IT degree, so what started as a means of fun and socializing has turned into an interest in a career. And he met his girlfriend online gaming. She has a Psychology degree.
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