Hurricane Anxiety

[RainneLim]

I've lived almost all my life with depression. I would cry at night, telling myself I needed to disappear, that I was worthless and a nuisance to everyone around me. I've learned to handle it, allowign myself to cry, write in my journal, and sleep it off.

However, there are things in our lives we face that challenges us. I've graduated college a year ago; turned my internship into a part-time job; and then got a full-time job half a year later which I am currently at. I thought things were getting better.

However, my job is unfulfilling. I don't hate my job, but I feel like I am going through the day like a zombie, not fully awake. I learn on the job, which is great. But not when you boss tells you to Google everything and no one teaches you how the processes work around here. Every question I ask is thrown at me like I am garbage and stupid. Then I mess up and fingers point at me. I feel like I am the scape boat, and that's where my anxiety begins.

I do Google everything I need to learn at work. I've probably read over 100 articles in the past 6 months so I can keep up with best practices for my job. I've also watched a 4 hour Youtube video that teaches me how to do my job. But I feel like I am on the edge at work. I am worried about every little task I do. To some, this may seem a little over the top; even my logical mind tells me that. But my emotions tell me another, and it drives everything.

I feel like a hurricane inside. Depression makes me feel down and low, telling my I am worthless. While Anxiety is makes me my heart pace, quickly I am in panic.

This is my story.

[Strongheartforever]

You are so beautiful do you know that? You are kind to yourself now, you’ve taught yourself well. I’ve been where you are. You may want to ask yourself a few questions: what would be an ideal day of work look like? Could you transfer what you’ve learned and go out on your own and start your own business? Here’s an encouraging thought I hope: all that you are learning, it stays between your ears. You take it with you. And that includes the whole issue with finger-pointing and being the scapegoat because you will put that in the category for future reference of: what I WON’T tolerate ever again. This is good info. You don’t know it but the pain is a good signal of what works and what doesn’t. You are building your life. Your strength will carry you through this and to a better place. People change their career about 5 times on average over the course of their lives. You won’t necessarily stay in this model. And it won’t be a loss to do something else or in a different way, never a loss. Because the lesson is priceless. This is what happens as you get older, you see that if that “roadblock” hadn’t come up you never would have found the miracle that sets you on the right path. Listen to your gut. Toxic people who pull you down, they must be left behind at some point because there are MANY who will build you up!! I encourage you to ask yourself what empowers you and what kind of environment you will thrive in and just know it starts with ONE client or customer and builds into whatever you want it to be. You can transform this. Don’t languish too long where you’re not appreciated.

[RainneLim in reply to Strongheartforever]

Thank you so much! I needed to "hear" this. I feel like I've been facing many roadblocks after another, and I am completely confuse with my career. I am currently job searching into a similar career path as mine. But I am question if the path I am on is good.

I am in business currently. It's interesting, but I don't feel genuinely interested while I work. I work for the money, not living at all. I think this is where my depression kicks in. And worrying about my future, my career, is where my anxiety takes place.

[Strongheartforever in reply to RainneLim]

You’ve got to work for reasons other than money or you will burn out. But it’s a process and you’re getting closer. The trick is to see the opportunity in the problems. An opportunity to do what feeds your soul and what will feed your soul is doing something that speaks to your heart and that actually makes other lives better. You’ll only do well what you really love. Keep pivoting toward what empowers you and makes you feel confident. You’ll just get better and better.

[RainneLim in reply to Strongheartforever]

Thank you!

I think right now I am still in a hurricane with that. I have so many passions I want to explore. Literature. Helping those with mental health. Research. These are my top career paths I want to go towards. However, I also feel scared to take the risk. From here, I don't know what to do. Go back to school to change careers. Or stay in business but towards market research.

I don't know what opportunity will appear, but I do hope I see it soon and grab hold of it. I feel like I will depend on it.

[Strongheartforever in reply to RainneLim]

Don’t go back to school. School is out here, building your business here in the real world. I spent a lot of time in school, getting degrees, when what really propelled me forward was getting in touch with people who needed my services and serving them. Think about who you want to help and get to it. School is great but it takes so much time and may not even get you where you need to go. Just my thoughts.

[RainneLim in reply to Strongheartforever]

Thank you! I agree. I am afraid that school will just waste more time and money that I don't really have. Would your recommendation would be just pursing jobs?